Dunia Paralel

Minggu pagi. Selalu saja bangun lebih pagi dari hari biasanya. Padahal ini hari libur. Reflek, tanganku langsung meraih handphone di sebelah bantal. Sudah ada dua message menunggu sejak jam 5 pagi. Message pertama membuatku tersenyum. Sebuah foto testpack dengan dua garis merah. Aku tidak tahu bagaimana membaca hasil test pack. Hanya caption nya cukup menjelaskan. "Wish me luck ya !!! :)"

Message kedua ... cukup mengagetkan. Di sisi lain predictable. Tapi lumayan membuat awan mendung menyelimuti mood  di hari minggu itu. Dari seseorang yang sudah sekitar satu bulan setengah menghilang. Menghindar.

"Bob"

Ya ?

"I owe you an explanation about why I changed recently."

Iya.

"Firstly, I want to apologize. I didn't realize that thing would make me behave differently, especially to you. So sorry for that."

.....

"How do I say this. Well, I ..."

You're getting married ?

"Damn. Yes. In September."

Wow. Who is that lucky guy ?

"How do you know ? I haven't said a thing."

I don't know. Feelings ?

"Feelings. Yes. How can I hide things, especially from you. I'm so sorry. I tried not to change. And I'm afraid that more changes will happen. I don't want it but most likely."

Well, everybody's changing.

"Right. We used to change together. But now I guess we're gonna change in different track."

You never mentioned anything about him.

"Because our marriage will not be a fancy one. It will be very very simple."

.....
.....
.....

"I hate to think of it, but I'm afraid thinking of losing you."

You know I will always be here. But I guess the changes will be inevitable.

"Right."

......

"Your blessing, please ?"

Yes. Of course. May everything run smoothly until the day.

Smaller circle

I realize that as I grow up, my circle will be smaller. People start creating their inner circle so called family.

Another best friend will tie the knot next week. I woke up reading her post about how excited she is in anticipating the day. Several months ago she told me about how worry she was for not having any plans nor a partner yet, while on the other side her mom had started being pushy.

We talked about how are we going to interact after one of us get married someday. Will we still chat about random things as we did ?

Several weeks after that talk, she texted me.

"I am getting married next year."

'For real ?'

"Yes"

I couldn't be happier. But I also realize that my circle is getting smaller.

Ronda

Begadang lagi.

Ronda Lagi.

Sampe kapan ?

Sampe kapan ?

Hmmm ........

Peter pan syndrome

"An empty street, an empty house
A hole inside my heart.
I'm all alone, the room are getting smaller.."

Iya. Itu lagu Westlife yang My Love. Basi memang. But to be honest, ternyata mendengarkan lagu-lagu lama yang biasa didengarkan di saat moment menyenangkan itu juga bisa dijadikan sebagai mood booster. Dulu sering denger lagu ini karena punya VCD bajakannya. Setiap pulang sekolah siang-siang waktu SD mutar lagu ini sambil karaoke. Kalau sudah bosan, ganti channel ke MTV yang dulu masih dikontrak oleh MTV.

Betapa mudahnya hidup saat itu, problema terbesar dalam hidup adalah malasnya mengikuti pemantapan menjelang EBTANAS  yang bisa dihindari. Saat bosan di rumah, bisa bantu bapak gantian jaga wartel yang aku minta diberi nama yang sama denganku. Wartel Fajar. Sepertinya aku dulu anak kesayangan karena tidak pernah main dan rajin bantu bapak gantian jaga wartel. Padahal sebetulnya karena selama jaga itu aku bisa beli bakso dan mie ayam pake uang wartel. That's all. Mikirin apa sih waktu itu. Mikirin mau jadi apa. Mikirin how cool I was going to be karena untuk ukuran anak kecil, I was too cool to be a kid.

Ternyata hidup tak se-santai dan seindah MTV nak.

Teman-teman yang dulu di social media menebar kisah keseharian mereka, saat ini waktunya mereka membagi kebersamaan meraka dengan keluarganya sendiri. Seneng sih liatnya, jujur. Dibandingkan mengikuti postingan-postingan impulsive dari satu golongan terhadap golongan lain yang saling menyakiti. Social media yang dulu digadang-gadang sebagai penghubung teman lama, sekarang jadi ajang pamer intelektualitas yang bisa memecah persahabatan. Again, hidup nggak seindah MTV. Tapi ya nggak gitu juga kali.

Either way, here I am again cuma sebagai penonton dari kedua kasus di atas. Lebih memilih untuk mendengarkan kembali lagu-lagu Westlife dari album Deluxe di kamar dengan lampu redup untuk mengembalikan mood yang sama dengan mood pada saat itu. Ketenangan. That's what I need right now.

Mungkin ada istilah peter pan syndrome. Maybe that's what I am.
Maybe I'm not ready to grow but it is inevitable.
Maybe ... I will be flying without wings.

Trust is not earned

Trust is a tricky word.
They say trust is earned. I ever thought that trust is a mutual thing.
We can trust someone if they trust us too. For that, we need to be trustworthy.

But I recently realize that trustwortiness is not a quality that is possessed by an individual but a title given by someone to other people.
In trusting someone that we think is trustworthy, we don't have any guarantee that the person will not violate our trust.
We can put some constraint to ensure that people will not violate the trust we give, but then that shows our insecurity. Insecurity is a proof that we don't trust. So, how to make sure that someone is trustworthy ? Looking at their track records ? Maybe. But we will never know what will happen in the future.

My answer is, there is no guarantee that the person we trust is really trustworthy.

We just have to believe.

Because the second you try to proof their trustwortiness, that is where you lose your faith in them.

Trust can also mean surrender. Which means, it is something that we grant to someone and we lose control over it.

So, if you now are still trying to prove that someone you trust is trustworthy.
You might want to reconsider that.