Sore throat

Well, i actually have something to write. But i don't think i'm gonna write it coz i'm so not comfortable now.

i'm having a bad sore throat. argh ...
it's a bad sore throat ...

Y

Dunia pertemanan sedang tidak bersahabat [bahasanya], membuat gw belakangan ini semakin skeptis dan skeptis terhadap orang - orang. Berawal dari orang - orang yang biasa gw panggil teman tapi sekarang sudah tidak berinteraksi sebagai teman. Lalu beberapa teman mulai bilang gw berubah dan sombong. Gosh, apa yang jadi parameter mereka bilang gitu. I mean, kalo mereka ketemu gw di jalan terus nyapa gw dan gw memalingkan muka terus mereka bilang sombong, ok. Kalo mereka sms atau chat nggak gw bales terus mereka gw sombong, ok. Tapi ini apaan  ? lama nggak keliatan terus muncul - muncul ngatain gw sombong. Mabok kali ya.

Belum lagi beberapa teman rese dan small-minded yang terobsesi dengan kata alay dan lebay. Ya nggak apa - apa sih kalo ternyata gw emang kadang - kadang menurut mereka gw begitu. Tapi ya nggak setiap gw ngomong juga mereka komentar 'alay' atau 'lebay'. Bosen juga dengernya, jatohnya ngeselin.

Seru ya kalo punya temen - temen kayak di How I Met Your Mother yang punya kebiasaan bareng dan tradisi bersama.

Karena itu lah sekarang ini buat gw lagi susah mencari teman buat ngobrol doank apalagi have 'fun', i mean have fun. Akhirnya gw lebih sering berinteraksi dengan orang - orang yang sebenernya gw nggak kenal - kenal amat tapi jadi kenal karena sering interaksi di social networking atau chat. Mungkin ini salah satu akibat social network media kali ya. Jeopardizing human social interaction.

Mau bilang post ini lebay ? silahkan

Song for a friend

"This is different kind of love song. It's a love song for a man to another man, in a good way though. It's all kind in a good way but over time you see the sensitive singer writes and  sings about his girlfriend over and over again. But i have a lot of dudes that i totally respect. Here i have inspired these pieces ... "


Well, you're magic, he said
But don't let it all go to your head
Well, I bet if you all had it all figured out
Then you'd never get out of bed, no doubt

All the thing's that I've read what he wrote me
Is now sounding like the man I was hoping to be
Keep on keeping it real
'Cause it keeps getting easier indeed

He's the reason that I'm laughing
Even if there's no one else
He said, you've got to love yourself

You say, you shouldn't mumble when you speak
But keep your tongue up in your cheek
And if you stumble on to
You better remember that it's humble that you seek

You got all the skill you need, individuality
You got something, call it gumption
Call it anything you want
Because when you play the fool now
You're only fooling everyone else
You're learning to love yourself, yes, you are

There's no price to pay
When you give and what you take
That's why it's easy to thank you, you

Let's say, take a break from the day
And get back to the old garage
Because life's too short anyway
But at least it's better then average
As long as you got me and I got you

You know we'll got a lot to go around
I'll be your friend, your other brother
Another love to come and comfort you
And I'll keep reminding
If it's the only thing I ever do

I will always love
I will always love you, yes you
I will always, always, always, always love
I will always, always love
I will always, always love, love

Climb up over the top, survey the state of the soul
You've got to find out for yourself
Whether or not you're truly trying

Why not, give it a shot?
Shake it, take control and inevitably wind up
Find out for yourself all the strengths you have inside of you

The new ads

Maybe this is one in a lifetime chance for u to see me in Santa's suite like this. But i still wondering why do they always choose a picture where my face isn't really good looking.

Oh ... Cinta ..

Daripada mikirin status berhak / tidak berhak mengikuti ujian praktikum, mendingan menikmati liburan dengan menaikkin mesin waktu [padahal tetep aja kepikiran, gimana nggak. 6 SKS]

Waktu lagi cari - cari lagu jadul di database lagu, ketemu lah lagu ini from one of my indonesian favorite vocal group. Lagu nya sekitar tahun 1999 jaman gw kelas 6 SD. Jaman Melly Goeslaw [dia yang nyiptain lagu] masih sadar dan berkualitas. Judulnya "Oh Cinta" dari Warna.

Dan Aaaaaaaaaaaaanyway ...  ada bagian liriknya yang lucu, pas banget.



"Cinta tak ku mengerti ... sekarang ingin esok tak ingin ...cinta biar ku cari sampai ku dapat yang aku maksud "

Bad day

Okay, if i said that i was okay. I was lying.

How can i be okay when i know that i'm not eligible for attending examination because my absence has exceeded its limit ? and it is 6sks for God's sake. Actually the limit for absence is 2. I have been absent for 2 times, and apparently i've ever been late once. It's not fair when you are late for attending class you are considered as absent student. Life was never fair anyway.

It keeps distracting me. Somehow it will really affect my GPA significantly. And nothing i can do.  I only hope that the announcement says that i'm still eligible for the exam.

Another pathetic thing is ... i don't have a classmate who supports me. Oh, they such a cold-blooded redneck. Hmmh, why my college life is so suck.

Curcol [aduh, nggak banget sih judul post nya]

"history itu bisa diulang nggak ya ?"
Nggak lah, it's already been a past.

Bisa sih, tapi mungkin nggak akan sama seperti yang udah terjadi.

Seperti hari ini, dan beberapa hari sebelumnya. Sesuatu yang sama terulang lagi. It's almost exactly the same. Tapi agak berbeda sedikit sih, seperti de javu. I think that coincidence is one of a good sign. Tapi ternyata coincidence hanyalah sebuah ... coincidence.

Sometimes it's best for us not to tell the truth ya. Sometimes truth can ruin everything. And when it happens, it is irreversible. The only thing we've got is ... regret.

There was a bottle of expensive wine in front of me. But i never see it. Coz i was always expecting for a glass of mineral water.

Hmmmmmmm

Ya Allah ... gendok nya ga ilang ilang ya ampun ....

God, help me to let it go ....
This is his fault! he should understand about global communication. he should learn more about money. and he should be more wicked. His innocence always causes misunderstanding. And now i'm a victim ....

Arrrrgh damn ! i wanna slap him !

Astaghfirulloh ... why am i exaggerating this thing. Why do i always think about money. Sounds cheap but ...
it's Money hello .... !

who's not overrating when it comes to money please stand up ! see ? no one stands up.


Errrrrrrrgh

Not in a good mood

ARRRRRRRGHHHh ..... i wanna slap people !!!
and say ...

"DAMN ! how could you be so naive ? screw you bitch! you're so un-fucking-believeable"

How could i forget that i'm not a social worker ? it's like a fool. i was such a-social-man-to-be who tried to do social act but regret it at the end.

I've just thrown a chance to get money. i've just lost a chance to get money. and it was totally because of me.
Dickhead!
I mean, it's money come on. Sometimes money is more important than anything else. Losing a chance to get money is like losing your unspoken love. It feels so .... HURT  T.T

help me ... i'm broken heart boy.

I wanna slap someone. i wanna slap someone. oh ... i really need to slap someone.

Coward

How can i be a coward like this ?
It's not me. It's not a man that i used to be.
I step aside from a thing that used to be my routine.
What's wrong with me ? what happened to me ?
It feels like a trauma. yes, a trauma.
Only trauma that can make someone avoid something.
But i can't be hiding all the time. Someday i gotta to face it all.
But what for ? what's the point of striving on it if i just can simply neglect it.

In this case, there's a thin line between being a brave hearted and a fool one.
After all, what the hell i'm talking about.

Mama

I've been searching for Il Divo's english song. Because somehow i love their voices but all of them are sung in spanish and i couldn't understand. Then i found this song. An english song from Il Divo and the song is very meaningful.

- Mama -
Mama thank you for who i am
thank you for all the things i'm not
forgive me for the words unsaid
for the times i forgot

mama remember all my life
you showed me love you sacrificed
think of those young and early days
how i've changed along the way

and i know you believed
and i know you had dreams
and i'm sorry it took all this time to see
that i am where i am because of your truth
and i miss you, i miss you

mama forgive the times you cried
forgive me for not making right
all of the storms i may have caused
and i've been wrong
dry your eyes

mama i hope this makes you smile
i hope you're happy with my life
at peace with every choice i made
how i've changed along the way

and i know you believed in all of my dreams
and i owe it all to you, mama....

Disoriented

Tidur panjang pertama gw setelah dua hari tanpa tidur karena demam diisi dengan mimpi yang [seperti biasa] absurd. Ceritanya gw sedang pergi ke sebuah mesjid untuk melaksanakan solat [yang entah solat apa]. Ketika gw wudhu ada sekelompok orang menghalangi keran tempat gw wudhu [aneh memang orang - orang ini] tapi tidak gw hiraukan dan terus berwudhu. Eh, mereka terus mengganggu sampai - sampai waktu solat berjamaah mereka menunggu di belakang sambil ketawa - ketawa dan mencemooh. Setelah selesai solat dan keluar dari mesjid orang - orang tersebut mencegat gw dengan senjata tajam. Teman - teman gw yang bernama T dan M malah lari ketika melihat preman - preman itu mengancam gw dengan pisau, sialan banget. Tapi di situ masih ada tersisa satu temen gw [yang entah siapa, karena di dalam mimpi gw pasti ada satu cameo yang entah siapa dan entah darimana datangnya] tapi dia pun tidak bisa berbuat apa - apa karena para preman mengancam akan menggorok leher gw kalau dia ngapa - ngapain.

Dasar preman, omongannya nggak bisa dipegang. Walaupun temen gw itu nggak ngapa - ngapain, mereka nggak melepaskan gw dan malah menyeret gw ke dalam mesjid. Di dalam mesjid itulah gw merasakan sepertinya gw .... DIBUNUH!

Tidak ada adegan pembunuhan hanya ada scene langit - langit mesjid berwarna putih yang tiba - tiba penuh dengan cipratan darah.  Tapi gw bisa merasakan kalau gw mati [gimana caranya ?].

I was so scared of the dream, but then i realized something. there's no murder scene. what i see is only the mosque's ceiling with splash of blood on it. so... it could be anyone's blood kan ? Bisa jadi malah gw yang ngebunuh preman - preman itu. YEY ! i'm happy i wasn't killed.

Anyway, setelah terbangun dari mimpi itu, gw tersadar ada sesuatu menggelitik di telinga sebelah kiri. Dengan reflek dan tanpa pikir panjang, langsung gw ambil benda yang menggelitik itu dan melemparnya ke lantai. Begitu sadar dan melihatnya ....... anjrit ! BANGBUNG!!! [sejenis serangga berwarna hitam pekat mengkilat yang sangat mengerikan dan cukup besar biasanya ada di pohon kayu]. Dengan cepat gw meraih botol bedak Heroc*n yang terbuat dari kaleng dan membejek - bejek si bangbung sampe mati berkeping - keping.

Mungkin kalo adegan itu ditayangkan di Empat Mata atau Silet bisa membuat program mereka larang tayang lagi, tapi apa boleh buat. Buat gw, melakukan kontak fisik dengan serangga atau binatang apapun it's about life and death matter.

Curhat Buat Sahabat [lagi]

Tiba - tiba teringat lagi lagu dan cerita pendek "Curhat buat sahabat" waktu tadi malem nggak bisa tidur sedikit pun. Kondisi badan yang tiba - tiba ngedrop dalam beberapa jam. Awalnya cuma kayak batuk - batuk biasa, tapi after midnite tadi tiba - tiba jadi demam dan panas dingin nggak jelas, mungkin karena malem nya hujan - hujanan dan kemarin malem nya tidur di lantai. Tapi biasanya nggak gini.

Padahal ada kuliah pagi jam 7, ini udah jam 5 belum bisa tidur sama sekali. Semakin pagi makin nggak bisa tidur.  Kayaknya bakal bolos, mana nggak ada temen yang kost an nya deket buat dititipin absen lagi. Oh i can't be sick. Bakal repot kalo sakit sendirian di kost an.

Jadi inget lirik lagu ini deh :

dan cuma ingin diam duduk di tempatku

menanti seorang yang biasa saja

segelas air di tangannya kala ku terbaring sakit

yang sudi dekat mendekap tanganku

mencari teduhnya dalam mataku

dan berbisik : pandang aku

kau tak sendiri

Tapi kalo air sih banyak tuh ada segalon. Jadi tinggal orangnya aja sama obat flu. Tapi obat flu juga bisa dibeli di warung depan kalo udah pagi. Dan semuanya bisa dilakukan sendiri, so ? i'm not that pathetic. If i've been so melancholic , that was just a kind of ... shock.

Confession of a [non]sportaholic

People always say that their Saturday is suck when they don't have a date or when they spend it all by themselves. But my Saturday night is always fun even though i often spend it alone or going no where. Because what makes Saturday night is cool and so called as a long night is not because you have a date or you have a couple to spend it with, but because tomorrow is Sunday [holiday].

This Saturday night, when Indonesian people are watching their soccer team on TV. I and my guy friend prefer to watch Confession of a Shopaholic because, yes, we don't like sport besides i like this movie so i want to watch it for the second time. Anyway this kinda ironic, two guys prefer watching chick movie instead of supporting their soccer team on TV. Whatsoever.

The movie was still great even though it was my second time watching, and my friend was impressed by the movie. It was still 11pm when the movie finished. So we picked another movie to be watched. And ... my friend pick Brokeback Mountain [oh gosh what happened to this guys after watching Confession of Shopaholic now we watch Brokeback Mountain] and it's kinda awkward you know , two guys watching Brokeback Mountain together , in a room. Wish there's nothing bad happen hehe.

Apparently God still loves us and He saved us from this awkwardness or even a gaywardness because the dvd was corrupted so we couldn't continue watching the movie. [saved by the bell].

Patient

Going to college with a scholarship is one of big decision i've ever made. People might think that it is cool to go to college by scholarship. You don't have to pay even a piece of money for it. Yes , it is cool. But there's a lot of consequences  that i gotta take. I have let my career being suspended for 4 years. The rest of my friends and junior have a good job and make the big money while i have to cook my own rice to save my 1.5 million living cost. When i have a chat with them or meet them and we have a conversation about a job or salary. They really blow me off. I envy them, yes. And maybe they envy me, i can't deny.

But then i think, all i've got is a gift. It's not everyone can go to college by a scholarship without paying even a piece of money. It takes more than an ordinary student to be a scholar. I believe i deserve that. I believe there's something special in me.

And for a job and salary matter, i might suck at it. i have to rely on 1.5 million rupiahs given by my sponsor. I'm dying to save keep my money enough for a month. I have to count every cent that i spend. I have to restrain myself from excessive expenses.

But i then realized. I don't wanna be defined by how much money that i have. I don't wanna be defined from what i have for lunch or dinner. I don't wanna be defined by place where i use to visit at my spare time. I don't wanna be defined by my clothe's label.

It takes more than a pain to gain a successful future.

All i need is just to be ... patient.

Satan in a Sunday hat

I went to bed lately last night, 2am. I woke up at 9 am. I don't know what to do. I have no activities today and i am so reluctant to take a bath or roll out my bed. I just lay on my bed staring at the ceiling for about 2 hours. Doing nothing. The first move that i made is turn on my laptop and connect to facebook. I find nothing interesting there. Nothing to be commented nor to be written on my status. I leave it and open a new tab to check my email inbox. There's no new unread mail. I really don't know what to do, wondering  i'll spend my whole Sunday with last episodes of tv series. Before that, i look for videos that can make me turned on.

Oh gosh, this is not the life that i want to portray. Too much vacation, too much spare time. But i'm so reluctant to take a job though.

Or maybe i should pick one of my favorite song and sing it out loud. But i haven't changed my playlist since a month ago. I don't even know which is my favorite and which is not.

Maybe i gotta run ... run ... run ...

Run devil run run devil run run ...

Sorry dude, i can't no longer hold my words

I hate you. I don't care how much offensive this post for someone or some people. It is my blog anyway, i have my freedom of speech.

I hate you, you took my best friend. You ruined her life, i don't give a damn the part where your life is also being ruined. Everything has changed when you came along. Your presence is always irritating to me, build a wall between me and her. Maybe i had a foreseen that you're no good for her though you seem so. I know her for years and you know her not more than a year. But you took it all. Now there's nothing left, you and her are inseparable. Oh that's so disgusting.

And for your information, i was there when you're not there. Doing something stupid even it contradicts my conscience. But guess what you give me for it. Not even a word, not even thanks, not even a sorry.

I don't expect that too anyway. I never expect to talk to you. but at least you can behave how well-educated people should behave. Shameful.

Jerk

WARTEG, as disturbing as its name

I'm currently in saving program this week [as just another week in every end of month] but i was really hungry, i couldn't help my hunger to cook a rice and buy side dish. So i decided to have a lunch at warteg after i went to my friend's house. When i walked over it i was reluctant to enter the warteg because it's quite crowded. But i was so hungry so i insist to enter it.

There were several disturbing people on the center table, they were so noisy. Having such a doormat chatter with disturbing and rude words and jokes as disturbing as they behaved. One of them is a sissy guy who talked a  lot and tried to make a joke by imitating Indonesian-korea alike-boyband which really made me sick. But i tried to prevent my self from hearing their voices. It's not a worth hearing.

I took a table on the corner near a door where there's a newspaper on it. It's the only table left. I read the newspaper while i was eating. I didn't mean to read it but somehow it's so readable, right in front of my eyes. The first deadline said "A husband killed his wife after make love" well it's quite disturbing headline for a lunch but interesting though. So i read the rest article and i found it's even more disturbing when one paragraph  said "there is spilled sperm in the crime scene .. bla bla bla".  I skipped this article and read another one, it's about a woman who changed her sexuality and married to another woman. Can i have more interesting article especially more decent one ? this is lunch, come on.

Then i skipped to the next article. Guess what's the title ? "Dewi Persik's topless picture" oh come on ! you gotta be kidding me. Not only giving a narration about the title, the article also gives two real DP's topless picture, UNCENSORED. Oh my goodness, i might like to read gossip and i might like to see topless picture sometimes but not at my lunch time please ... and not Dewi Persik anyway.

Wait, last but not least. Before i end my lunch, i was curious to read another article. The quote says

"kid, i allow you to be a prostitute ..."

Love it love it not

Have you ever had something that you love most but it turns out to be something that you're afraid of ?
You still love it but in the other way you keep avoiding it.
It's like Bonnie [Miley Cyrus] in The Last Song. She used to play piano, she loves it so much. But she stop playing piano because of one or other thing. She always avoids everything related to piano.

That's the way i feel about debate.
I just don't understand. It's just debate hello. It's just a thing that you used to do but you don't do it anymore.
Why should i take it hardly.

On the other side of my days.

I've been through 2 interviews in these 4 days. I failed the first interview. He said that he didn't have any problem with my english. It's just he can't feel the chemistry during the interview session. Gosh, was i having an interview or dating. Well , what's done it's done. Although it is my first time being rejected, i won't keep drowning in this disappointment.

So i through another interview. I was given a written test and the employer said that the result is great. Then he asked me to do teaching demonstration. Because i hadn't prepared any material, so i delivered debating material. He said it was quite good. He gave several offer. He would accept me but i should join a training, and for that training i should submit my original certificate or money 2.5 million rupiahs. It will be a deposit during my 2 years contract.

OH BIG NO NO. I'm looking for a temporary job, not a permanent job nor even a course.

I wonder why i have bad luck this year. It was never hard to get a job before.
But may be it is a God's plan. Maybe i am not supposed to get a job now. I always know what is the best for me. But He knows more what is best for me.

What's done is done.
I've done my effort and the decision is in His hands.

Pleasure f**ker

What the hell am i doing ?
Reading an article about sex instead of studying before an exam. Haha.
Well, that's not my fault though. I was about reading news from Kompas online to check today's latest news. But i guess they're lack of article management. I mean, this online newspaper should provide the latest news or issues which is happening now, like we know that Kompas is national newspaper.

But everytime i visit the site. I find more article about clubbing and sex than the news itself. And somehow, those articles always distract me to read it and read other related articles. In the end, i don't read any news there. I just read that kinda article about sex life and health.  But it's not a porn story anyway. It's about health sex. So i think it is useful for me.

Mind Explosion

After several days of silent scream. I don't think i need to do that. If i recall the reason i establish this blog is to express what's on my mind that can't be expressed to anyone. All the posts are dedicated to me, it's only about me my self and i. So why should i worry about the other. I will keep posting. For my own good.

Today afternoon i had an interview for a part time job position. It is never easier although i've been through a lot of interview session and being asked by the same question.

"Tell me about yourself ..."

Is the first question which should be always asked in every interview. I should be well prepared for this question. This should be an easy question to talk about yourself. But it takes more than just a brief introduction to know me. And i want to provide the best answer for this question. So i tried to research about Interview Do's and Dont's. I followed what the article says. Unfortunately, it trapped me in an unclear answer. Damn, i should believe in myself and not listen to that article.

My interviewer said that

"i don't have any problems with your english.But i am not convinced yet, because i can't feel chemistry between us "

I was about to tell him that i couldn't even build a chemistry with my e-girlfriend. Well, forget it. Maybe it's just about my poker face. I should not blame people for it. Anyway, i hope i can get the job and the other job. But still be able to manage my time for studying, taking a rest, and having entertainment.

-On the other side of my life.-

B, i stop talking to my friend. I just don't want to talk to him. He might read this post because he read my blog sometimes, but i don't care. It would be better if you read this.

Here's the thing. I don't have a problem to see someone's dark side or to know the negative side of someone. I'm not a perfect person either. Having a bad or wicked personality is something tolerable for me. But what i can't tolerate is when the thing harms the other. It just makes me lose my sympathy to him. Well, i've tried to forgive. But apparently this guy doesn't deserve it. He didn't even say apology or thanks for what has he done and what have i done. What a jerk.

I used to have negative association to him, what's the difference if i hate him at all now. It's better than a hypocrite who acts nicely but keeping a hatred within.

And about my another friends. I guess it's time for me to let them go. Nothing last forever. So does with friendship. I should've learnt about the concept of encounter and leaving. Everything which we encounter will leave us sooner or later. It's just the matter of time. Even a friend or bestfriend. BFF terms sounds like a fairytale.

Social worker

Gw sampai pada saat di mana gw harus mulai menurunkan empati gw terhadap orang - orang. Empati berlebihan, malah bikin kita rugi, menderita, sial pokoknya. Sementara orang yang kita bantu, nggak lebih dari orang careless dan selfish yang memuakkan.

No talks

Long time no see.
It's been several days without any posts. I don't have anything on my mind to be talked about  and i find it is not interesting anymore to share all my feeling , my ideas here or anywhere. Because some people misuse it and misinterpret it. So there's no point of posting here anymore. I will keep it for my self. I will enjoy my silent.

Silent is gold, though sometimes it is imitation. But at least it is entertaining.

Distant-genic

Setelah beberapa waktu menghilang, Pandu tiba – tiba muncul kembali di hadapanku. Di cafe itu pada jam – jam biasa kita bertemu. Kemunculannya memunculkan perasaan kaget, senang, pokoknya tidak jelas. Aku tidak mau lagi terjebak pada perasaan yang tidak mungkin terbalas. Tidak mau mengikuti permainan yang bahkan sudah berakhir sebelum dimulai. Kali ini aku mencoba biasa saja, menghadapi Pandu yang tepat berada di depanku. Tapi ternyata hati kecil ini terlalu provokatif, seberapa keras aku berusaha untuk biasa saja tetapi dia selalu meyakinkan bahwa aku tidak biasa saja. Aku pernah berjanji pada diri sendiri jika aku tidak bisa melihatnya lagi itu tidak akan masalah. Ya benar, karena justru jika aku melihatnya lagi itu yang jadi masalah. Perasaan itu kini datang lagi.

Ternyata hilangnya Pandu selama ini dikarenakan masalah pekerjaannya yang sedang sangat sibuk. Sekarang kesibukkannya mulai kembali normal sehingga dia bisa datang ke cafe ini dan mengobrol denganku seperti biasa sampai fajar tiba. Sampai mata kita tak mampu lagi terjaga walaupun mulut masih ingin berkata - kata. Lalu kemana pacarnya ? bukankah seharusnya dia bersama pacarnya sekarang. Tapi sebaiknya aku tidak menanyakan pertanyaan itu. Tidak ada dia itu lebih baik. Sayangnya tanpa aku bertanya pun, dia tetap membahas pacarnya itu. Obrolan yang semula tentang keseharian kami, tentang hal – hal yang kami sukai berakhir dengan cerita Pandu tentang pacaarnya. Dia bilang ada yang lain dengan pacarnya, dia agak dingin dan kadang susah dihubungi. Pandu mengira mungkin dia berselingkuh. Walaupun aku tersenyum mendengarnya dan berharap itu benar, tapi aku harus bereaksi kebalikkan nya. Aku bilang

”Belum ada bukti kan, jadi lebih baik think positively aja. Mungkin dia sedang ada masalah pribadi.”

Perkataan yang benar – benar palsu. Karena sebenarnya aku lebih ingin mengatakan ’iya, pasti dia selingkuh. Lebih baik kamu putusin dia, masih banyak perempuan lain yang lebih baik’ seperti aku.

Sepulang dari cafe, Pandu mengajak menonton DVD di tempatku karena kebetulan beberapa hari yang lalu tempat tinggalnya sudah pindah dan lebih dekat dengan tempatku.  Aku senang sekali mendengarnya, tidak mungkin aku tolak. Tapi aku harus tetap bersikap biasa saja. Jangan berlebihan. Bahkan sedikit jual mahal dengan berkata

”Emang nggak kepagian ya ? ga ngantuk ? nanti kerja kan ?”

Dan sialnya sikap munafik itu menjadi bumerang untukku. Pandu tidak jadi mampir ke tempatku, katanya tidak enak sudah kepagian lagipula dia besok harus kerja. See ? semuanya benar – benar gara – gara pertanyaanku tadi.

Setelah pertemuan kembali dengan Pandu. Aku kembali merasa seperti orang bodoh, atau kurang kerjaan. Seharian bahkan sampai tidur pagi untuk tetap online di instant messenger hanya untuk mengetahui Pandu online atau tidak. Kembali rajin ke cafe supaya bertemu dengan dia lagi. Walaupun di antara semua percobaan mungkin hanya beberapa saja yang akhirnya membuahkan hasil. Itu pun sebagian besar karena kebetulan. Sampai pada akhirnya Pandu mengajakku makan malam, kali ini bukan karena kebetulan.

Aku sibuk mempersiapkan diri sebelum berangkat. Berdandan, mengurusi rambut, memilih pakaian sampai aku berpikir. Kenapa harus sesibuk ini ? ini kan Cuma makan malam bareng biasa. Lagipula aku sering bertemu dengan dia di cafe dengan keadaan biasa saja. Akhirnya aku pergi dengan penampilan biasa saja, walaupun Pandu sempat berkata aku lebih rapih dan cantik dari biasanya.

Saat bertemu kami tidak pernah kehabisan bahan obrolan. Apapun bisa menjadi topik, termasuk ... tentu saja pacarnya. Dia bilang pacarnya masih sedikit aneh. Dia juga bilang, walaupun pacarnya yang sekarang tidak secantik mantan – mantan nya, tapi dia tidak ingin terjadi sesuatu pada hubungan mereka. Entah mengapa ada yang sedikit mengganggu di telingaku. Bukan karena ternyata dia tidak ingin ada apa – apa dengan hubungan mereka, tetapi lebih karena pernyataan Pandu tentang pacarnya yang tidak secantik mantan – mantan nya. Setelah itu, tanpa aku minta Pandu menceritakan tentang semua mantan – mantan nya. Ternyata dia masih menyimpan foto – foto mereka. Dia memperlihatkan padaku satu per satu sambil menceritakan setiap foto yang sedang ia tunjukkan, sayangnya hampir semua komentar berbau fisik. Dan yang jelas, jumlah mantan nya cukup banyak. Seorang player. Ok.

Di hari yang lain Pandu memintaku untuk membereskan tempat baru nya karena masih berantakkan setelah pindahan beberapa waktu lalu. Dia juga memintaku untuk membantu mendekorasi tempat tinggalnya tersebut. Tidak ada pertemuan kita tanpa diwarnai dengan curhatan Pandu soal pacarnya. Pandu bilang pacarnya semakin aneh, bahkan dia menolak ketika diajak ’have sex’. Padahal biasanya tidak.   Have sex ?  biasanya tidak ?

Entah kenapa ceritanya itu membuyarkan konsentrasi ku. Membuat aku tidak nafsu lagi  mencerna setiap kata – kata berikutnya. Selain merasa agak terkejut karena ternyata mereka sedekat itu, juga agak sedikit heran ternyata setelah mengenal dekat, Pandu agak berbeda dengan yang aku bayangkan, bahkan jauh berbeda dari ya ang aku bayangkan ketika diam - diam melihatnya dari sudut cafe.  Di jalan kami bertemu seseorang yang sepertinya mengenal Pandu.

”hey Ndu !”  , kata perempuan itu.

”Hai.”

”Ini cewe baru lo ?”

”Bukan.”

”Sama siapa lo sekarang ?”

”Ada lah ...” , jawab Pandu malu – malu.

”Jarang keliatan lagi nih di Club. Takut diomelin bini lo lagi ya ? haha ...”

Mungkin yang dimaksud perempuan itu adalah pacarnya. Tetapi setelah ku klarifikasi ternyata mantan pacarnya. Pandu bilang dia sering bertengkar dengan mantan pacarnya yang dulu karena dia sering kepergok pergi ke club dengan teman – temannya.

”Padahal nggak ada apa – apa koq. Ya Cuma dance – dance sambil cuci mata lah, kadang flirting – flirting nggak jelas sih. Tapi nggak pernah macem – macem”

Kata Pandu ketika bercerita bagaimana mantan nya marah ketika saat itu dia sering pergi ke club. Mungkin dalam seminggu bisa dua atau tiga kali.

Aku seperti orang yang kehilangan nafsu makan ketika mendengar semua fakta – fakta tentang Pandu yang dia ceritakan sendiri. Seperti melihat makanan yang sepertinya enak, tetapi ketika dimakan ternyata tidak begitu enak sehingga aku tidak terlalu ingin memakannya lagi. Seperti itu kira – kira kesan ku kepada Pandu. Dia bukan makanan, tetapi efek kehilangan rasa ketertarikkan, itu lah yang aku maksud.

Seorang player, party-goer, sex before marriage,  sangat bukan tipe ku. Pandu hanya terlalu jauh dari yang aku bayangkan dan harapkan. Judgmental ? mungkin iya. Tapi apa salahnya menjadi sedikit judgmental ketika kita mencari orang yang tepat. Walaupun begitu, Obrolan – obrolan biasa dengan nya masih akan selalu menyenangkan. Aku masih ingin secara kebetulan bertemu dengan nya di cafe lalu menikmati memperhatikan nya diam – diam dari sudut cafe. Tapi untuk sesuatu yang lebih, mungkin tidak, selain juga karena tidak ada harapan.

Seperti pelangi, terkadang ada sesuatu yang hanya indah ketika kita melihat dan memperhatikan nya dari jarak jauh. Namun ketika kita berusaha terus mendekatinya, sesuatu itu pudar dan bahan menghilang. Tidak lagi indah. Distant-genic. Seperti Pandu, ternyata mengharapkan sesuatu yang lebih dari teman, terlalu berlebihan. Melihatnya, menikmati setiap detik untuk memperhatikan nya dari tempat aku duduk di sudut cafe. Sudah lebih dari cukup. 

Adult's life

Is this what people call an adult's life ? when we always find every single truth that we can't handle. when we have to deal not only with a good side but also a bad side.

I keep thinking that i'm still 18, not a kid anymore but a teenager who still go to school every morning. Late for the flag ceremony. Having a gossip with friends while my teacher explaining. Go to canteen with a group of friends. Visit my friend's house after school. My life is around home-school-friend-school-home.

The clock might die, but time never sleeps. My surrounding is changing. i'm changing. I've through a lot of things. Rise and falls. I am a man.

Marmut Merah Jambu

Ternyata Raditya Dika bisa bikin quotes juga.

"Pada akhirnya, orang yang jatuh cinta diam-diam hanya bisa 


mendoakan. Mereka cuma bisa mendoakan, setelah capek berharap,


 pengharapan yg ada dari dulu, yang tumbuh dari mulai kecil sekali, 


hingga makin lama makin besar, lalu semakin lama semakin jauh. 


Orang yang jatuh cinta diam-diam pada akhirnya menerima. Orang 


yg jatuh cinta diam-diam paham bahwa kenyataan terkadang 


berbeda dengan apa yg kita inginkan. Terkadang yg kita inginkan 


bisa jadi yg tidak kita sesungguhnya kita butuhkan. Dan sebenarnya,


 yg kita butuhkan hanyalah merelakan. Orang yg jatuh cinta diam-


diam hanya bisa, seperti yg mereka selalu lakukan, jatuh cinta 


sendirian"




haha ...

Mainstream

I feel like a vampire who goes to a mainstream. No matter how he try to restrain, he can still feel the urge to feed on human every time they see human's blood.

I don't feed on human's blood though, it's just an analogy. What i mean is another thing which can cause the urge , but i do have the willingness to go to mainstream society.

But sometimes the thing is felt like a torture. It's tiring. It would be so easy to give up. But if i recall all of my effort for it, i don't wanna give it up.

I wanna be a person who can live with this torture. Coz if i can survive this, it is a gift. The other side of me just wanna be free. I know it will always be like this. The thing will disappear if i disappear.

i had a plan. i wanted to change who i was. Create a life as someone new. Someone without the past. Without the pain. Someone alive. But it's not that easy. The bad things stay with you. They follow you. You can't escape them as much as you want to. All you can do is ready for the good. So when it comes, you invite it in because you need it. I need it

If I never see your face again

Saturday is always a lonely day, but i never feel as lonely as now. I ain’t talking about a date. It is more about ’companion’.

Sudah setengah dua belas malam dan aku tidak mengantuk sama sekali. Lebih tepatnya tidak ingin tidur. Sepertinya pergi untuk minum kopi di cafe dekat kost an ku adalah ide yang bagus untuk saat ini.

Aku memilih tempat duduk di dekat kaca supaya aku bisa melihat ke jalanan sehingga aku tidak bosan duduk sendiri di situ berjam – jam. Saat ini ada lima orang tersisa di sini. Aku, tiga orang laki – laki yang duduk berkumpul, dan yang paling menarik perhatianku adalah seorang laki – laki yang duduk di arah jam 2 dari tempat aku duduk. Secara fisik dia menarik, kulitnya putih dengan wajah oriental dan potongan rambut pendek rapi, mungkin bisa dibilang tipe ku. Pasti pacar nya adalah wanita yang sangat cantik juga, bukan perempuan biasa sepertiku. Tapi saat ini dia sendirian, mungkin juga dia masih single.

Agar tidak terlihat aneh dan mati gaya aku mengeluarkan handphone dan pura – pura memainkan nya, padahal tidak ada sms yang masuk atau tidak sedang browsing maupun chatting. Hanya memainkan – mainkan keypad agar terlihat beraktifitas. Setelah tiga orang laki – laki yang lain pergi kini yang tersisa di tempat itu Cuma aku dan dia. Kini aku tidak perlu lagi berpura – pura bermain handphone karena sekarang bukan Cuma aku yang duduk dan berdiam diri di tempat ini sendirian. Sesekali aku memperhatikan dia yang duduk di sana, semakin dilihat semakin menarik. Aku pun berimajinasi jika dia beranjak dari tempat duduk nya dan menarik bangku di dekat ku lalu mengajak berkenalan.

Sudah sekitar dua jam aku berada di sini, dan dia masih belum beranjak pergi. Entah mengapa itu juga membuatku tidak ingin beranjak pergi. Aku merasa ditemani seseorang, padahal kita tidak mengenal satu sama lain. Apakah dia juga memperhatikan aku seperti aku memperhatikan dia ? atau dia menyadari sejak tadi aku memperhatikannya dan menganggap aku perempuan aneh.

Laki – laki itu lalu beranjak dari tempat duduknya dan meninggalkan cafe. Aku pun tidak punya alasan lagi untuk tinggal di sana dan akhirnya pulang tidak lama setelah dia pergi.

Besoknya aku kembali ke tempat itu pada jam yang sama. Berharap dia berada di sana dan duduk di tempat yang sama. Tapi tidak, dia tidak di sana. Mungkin kali ini dia datang terlambat, atau apakah dia datang lebih awal dan sudah pulang ? aku menunggu di situ dan dia tetap tidak datang.

Malam berikutnya aku datang lagi. Dan dia tidak datang lagi. Aku berpikir ini sangat bodoh. Untuk apa juga aku datang ke sini Cuma untuk melihat dia, mungkin dia Cuma orang yang tidak sengaja lewat lalu mampir ke cafe ini.

Tapi hari berikutnya aku masih tetap datang ke tempat itu, dan kali ini dia ada. Membuatku senyum – senyum sendiri karena senang dengan kehadiran nya. Padahal dia Cuma duduk di sana, tidak melihatku sedikit pun apalagi berbicara.

Sejak malam itu setiap aku datang, dia sudah berada di sana. Sampai suatu saat ketika aku berjalan pulang meninggalkan tempat itu, ada seseorang berteriak memanggil – manggil aku. Laki – laki itu. Dia mengantarkan handphoneku yang tertinggal di sana. Rupanya setelah ritual berpura – pura main handphone tadi aku tidak memasukkan nya ke saku tetapi menaruh nya di kursi. Aku berharap saat itu dia menyodorkan tangannya dan memperkenalkan diri. Tapi dia langsung berbalik dan kembali ke tempat itu setelah aku mengucapkan terima kasih.

Imajinasi itu akhirnya menjadi realita ketika pada suatu malam dia tidak hanya duduk di tempat nya biasa duduk, tapi ia menarik bangku ke meja ku dan duduk bersama ku. Mengajakku berkenalan. Namanya Pandu. Lebih dari yang ku pikir, dia tidak hanya menarik secara fisik, tetapi dia juga partner ngobrol yang sangat menyenangkan. Sepertinya sekarang aku resmi menjadi salah satu fans nya sekarang. Dia meminta account facebook ku lalu me-add ku menjadi teman nya dan langsung aku approve saat itu juga. Kami mengobrol sampai pagi, obrolan yang berawal dari topik tentang film itu berlangsung sangat lama tetapi tidak membosankan. Bahkan membuat ketagihan.

Sekarang aku tidak perlu lagi seperti orang bodoh datang ke cafe itu dan beraharap dia datang tetapi tidak datang. Kami biasanya mengirim message lewat facebook jika ingin pergi meminum kopi di cafe itu. Obrolan kami pun tidak sebatas di cafe itu saja, kami juga sering chatting di facebook dan membicarakan berbagai hal. Mulai dari soal film, tentang kehidupan sehari – hari , tentang masa lalu, dan banyak lagi. Pernah sekali dia bertanya apakah aku sudah punya pacar. Aku jawab belum, lalu dia bertanya lagi laki – laki seperti apa yang aku suka. Ingin aku jawab ”seperti kamu” , tapi sepertinya akan terdengar murahan jadi aku jawab saja sesuai ciri – ciri nya.

Kemudian aku balik bertanya apakah dia sudah punya pacar, dan dia jawab ”sudah”. Sungguh jawaban yang sangat tidak aku harapkan. Agak menyesal bertanya, tapi akan lebih buruk jika aku tidak mengetahuinya. Pacarnya berada di luar negeri. Dia sedang menyelesaikan kuliah di sana. Jadi ternyata dia selama ini pergi ke cafe itu mungkin bukan untuk mengobrol denganku tetapi untuk mencari pengalih perhatian dari serangan syndrome long distance relationship. Jadi selama ini dia online bukan untuk chatting denganku tetapi karena dia sedang chatting dengan pacarnya juga. Poor me.

Aku bertemu lagi dengan Pandu di cafe itu secara kebetulan, bukan karena kami janjian. Dan dia bilang dia datang ke situ untuk menunggu seseorang, pacarnya. Ternyata pacarnya sudah kembali ke Indonesia. Sambil menunggu kami berdua mengobrol seperti biasa, tetapi rasanya aku tidak se-excited biasanya. Lalu pacarnya pun datang. Pandu memperkenalkannya kepada ku. Dan ya sesuai yang aku bayangkan, dia memang cantik. Paling tidak lebih cantik dari aku. Dengan sadar diri aku meninggal kan mereka berdua dan duduk di tempat biasa aku duduk. Seperti saat malam pertama aku melihatnya, sekarang aku juga hanya bisa duduk sendiri di sini dan memperhatikan nya diam – diam.

Sejak malam itu kami jarang bertemu di cafe. Atau mungkin dia tidak pernah datang lagi ke cafe itu. Di online chatting pun kami tidak bertemu. Pasti dia sudah sibuk dengan pacarnya. Tetapi paling tidak aku sudah bisa mendapatkan lebih dari apa yang aku bayangkan. Tidak hanya duduk dan memperhatikan nya diam – diam dari tempatku, tetapi aku bisa mengobrol dan mengenalnya secara langsung. Menjalani hubungan yang aku kira bisa disebut teman, atau sekadar seorang kenalan. Yang jelas, sudah lebih dari apa yang aku bayangkan. So if i never see his face again, i don’t mind.

Real

I've talked a lot with a lot of people about a lot of things. I spent nights for talking to people i barely know. Somehow i like to talk to them, although they are unreal. I hope there were real. But sometimes reality isn't as good as our imagination. It takes too much sacrifice. When they finally become real, i know they are not more than ordinary people. Not perfect.

Is that too high for wishing a companion to accompany when we don't know what to do ? i'm not talking about lover, i don't give a damn to love. I prefer to choose 'friend' term.

Does friendship needs declaration ? I guess yes. If i refer to Friend Function in Object Oriented Programming, Friend Function is a function which can access private attribute of one class. The function can be called as friend function if only the class declare it as a friend.

All the best things need sacrifice. But if after all of sacrifice there's no best parts left. So what is sacrifice for ?

Karedok weirdo

Entah kenapa bagi gw, menghabiskan waktu di kost an bersama orang - orang yang tidak diundang di kost an adalah kegiatan yang sangat membuang - buang waktu dan merusak privasi. Sore ini seseorang ,yang akhirnya gw sebut teman karena di kelas baru ini tidak ada orang yang lebih normal untuk diaja berteman, datang ke kost an untuk mengerjakan tugas kelompok. Teman gw itu akhirnya membawa satu orang teman lain yang kebetulan nya sekelompok juga. Kontribusi mereka dalam kerja kelompok hanyalah sebatas mengeluarkan jokes dan oborolan nan garing dan aneh, selain berkontribusi dalam menghabiskan sebagian cemilan gw. Karena pada akhirnya gw juga yang mengerjakan semua tugas kelompok. Sampai akhirnya gw berpikir, selama 3 jam tadi kedatangan mereka hanya membuang - buang gw, and now i really need time for myself.

Ketika mereka pulang sudah waktunya waktu makan malam. Gw lapar, tapi belum pengen makan karena merasa perut ini masih penuh. Sampai 5 jam kemudian, pukul 11 malam gw masih belum makan malam. Walaupun sebenernya perut ini lapar banget, tapi di sisi lain perut ini pun meronta [apa sih ?]. Mungkin ini efek karedok yang gw makan tadi siang.

Karedok, salad versi Sunda ini biasanya adalah makanan favorit gw. Berisi sayuran segar dan bumbu pedas yang memberi warna baru diantara ayam bakar dan ikan bakar padang. Dan dengan dalih pengehematan, gw memilih karedok dari pada nasi padang untuk makan siang. Dengan sangat mengesalkan, si ibu penjual berkata "sembilan ribu" saat menyerahkan sebungkus karedok. Sejak kapan sebungkus toge dengan sedikit ketimun dan kacang panjang harganya sama dengan ayam bakar + sayur nangka + daun singkong + sambel ijo ?  Mungkin bumbu karedok nya pake mayonaise, toge nya pake toge organik, kacang nya acan mete dan terong nya diimport langsung dari belanda. Mending kalo enak. Ini asem nggak jelas. Dan akhirnya sampe sekarang perut gw nggak beres.

Karedok dan 2 orang weirdo really made my day.

Ikan sarden dan kornet

Minggu terakhir di setiap bulan adalah saat nya untuk mengencangkan ikat pinggang. Makanan instant adalah teman sejati pada masa - masa itu. Dengan harga setara satu porsi makanan premium bisa meng-cover tiga kali makan sehari dengan resiko memakan makanan yang sama pada pagi , siang , malam.

Akhirnya tadi pagi aku putuskan untuk memasak tiga porsi nasi , ikan sarden, kornet sapi -cadangan makanan yang tersisa selain mie instant- untuk menu makan hari ini. Semoga bisa berkontribusi untuk usaha pencegahan badai finansial di akhir bulan.

Makan pagi adalah yang paling nikmat ketika kita harus memakan makanan yang sama sampai malam hari nanti. Karena pada saat sarapan semuanya masih fresh baru saja masak dan masih hangat. Ketika semuanya matang, waktu sudah menunjukkan pukul 10 lebih, waktu dimana biasanya aku makan brunch. Makan pagi sekaligus makan siang dalam 1 waktu. Dan kuliah dimulai pukul 1, aku tidak makan siang sebelum berangkat kuliah. Sisa makanan yang masih banyak itu mungkin akan aku habiskan pada waktu makan malam.

Tapi sepulang kuliah, bayangan bakmie favorit terus melintas di pikiran. Tidak bisa tidak membelokkan langkah ke kantin kampus dan memesan semangkok bakmie + baso. Belum puas, Batagor + otak - otak + siomay nampak lezat sebagai makanan penutup. Akhirnya aku pulang dengan perut kekenyangan bahkan ingin muntah. Tidak ada sedikit pun nafsu makan untuk makan malam dan menghabiskan ikan sarden dan kornet sapi yang banyak tersisa.

Maaf ikan sarden ... kornet sapi

The photo session

So these are the photos which were taken before and during the photo session for Sumpah Pemuda ads on last monday. It's humiliating but, i don't give a damn haha.

The hairdresser said that my hair was uncool and it would be bad on camera. So she made my hair as straight as an arrow. how is it ?

The preparation is fun until i was told that the theme is patriotism, so i have to be looked like a man from 50's. Hell no. 

This one is even worse. The art director said that i had to be more jadul. So they make some revisions with my hair.

MAFIA.

And These are the whole crew. Jong Ambon, Jong Java, Jong batak, Jong legend, Jong bon jovi.

The ladies are very funny, especially the one who wore veil.

Finally, after waiting for around 3 hours. This is the photo set.

Damn ! gw kayak pegawai KUA / Kelurahan di situ.

Aren't that funny or riddiculous ? the advertisement will be published on Kompas , October 28th 2010.

hahaha LOL ...

Overslept

Wow, it's a once in a lifetime experience. I slept from 10 - 6 . I was so exhausted yesterday. To commemorating  Sumpah Pemuda day, CIMB Niaga will publish an advertisement on national newsletter. I was asked to be the model. I thought it would be fun until i knew that the theme is sumpah pemuda and we have to use patriotist suite in jadul look. It's totally jadul. Wanna see the photoshoot ? i'll post it later.

The photoshoot started at 9 am. We did a make up thingy and hair dressing until 12, gosh it's so long. The real photoshoot itself was started at 12.30 till 15.30 . I arrived at boarding house around 6 and i was really exhausted so i just lay on my bed until i fell asleep. And i've just awaken 30 minutes ago.

Discussion Forum

This semester lecturers frequently give us assignments via discussion forum. They usually make a new topic with the subject is the title of the assignment. I am so reluctant to check the discussion forum because it takes quite much time to load the site. So i usually check the discussion lately, and at that time the post has been replied by some people. I thought it might be about the assignment, about the question or something. Then i check the reply message, and it is so irritating when i read it because apparently the reply messages are the message like this :

"Ok..."

or

"Sip pak, segera dikerjakan."

or

"Terima kasih pak atas info nya."

or this one is even worse

"BRB ngerjain tugas."

Oh man, those are so irritating you know. Those junkies, can them at least  not to junk in a post about assignment because it just fills up the forum with that junks. They are so fake, i'd rather reply "What ? tugas lagi ? can i enjoy my weekend peacefully ?" than that kinda post. Do they think the lecturer will be very happy and reply their message with ...

"Oh, sama - sama. kalian memang anak yang rajin."

Or they wanna show the world that they're actually updated with the assignment and so called diligent student who always check the forum and do the assignment right after the time it's been  published. Disgusting.

[exaggerating]

It's all about the money

I hate to be in this condition. A deadlock condition which can't generate a solution for all parties.

Here is the thing. Several months ago i lend my money to my friend because he hasn't earned the salary from his employers. So i lend him my money in a quite big amount. I said that , anytime i need the money you should give it back to me. I'm not a man who can easily refuse someone who ask me a favor. If at that time i can help them so i'll help them. But the problem always comes later. It's been a month but he still hasn't earned the money. The next month the thing didn't change. There's no use for me to wait for the money.

Today, i think my laptop is dying. It suddenly shut down because of overheat. It happen more than once. I should bring my laptop to the service center in a very moment before more collateral damage happen. But hello, it's 20th of the month. I run out my money. All have been allocated for daily needs. It means i have to wait until the next month to get my laptop repaired. I don't even know whether my laptop can survive until next month or not.

It seems unfair.When people ask me a favor i always try my best to give all i can. But when i'm in need, seems  no one can pull me from this hole. I am not social worker.

I am so tired of these things. Managing my financial stuffs. Setting daily quota for food allocation. Cooking rice by myself. Wash the dishes. Trying to save every single money that i can set aside while people wasting their money. While people spending my whole living cost money only for paying their room.

I AM SO SICK AND TIRED !!!!!!!!!!!

Fascinated

Several days ago i picked some old songs to my playlist. Two of them are Malaikat Juga Tahu and Peluk by Dewi Lestari. I'm still thinking that those are a nice song with a deep lyrics. I remember that Dee also has a blog, some of the posts are interesting to read. And yes, it's really interesting. I read several posts from her blog and i think she has a good way in narrating her blog.

So i try to find another song from Recto Verso album. A compilation of 11 stories with 11 songs for it. I find this song.  A quotes and a song from Recto Verso , the book and the album.

Curhat buat sahabat 

"...Tak ada yang muluk dari obat flu dan air putih. Tapi kamu mempertanyakannya seperti putri minta dibuatkan seribu candi dalam semalam."

Sahabatku, usai tawa ini
Izinkan aku bercerita:

Telah jauh, ku mendaki
Sesak udara di atas puncak khayalan
Jangan sampai kau di sana

Telah jauh, ku terjatuh
Pedihnya luka di dasar jurang kecewa
Dan kini sampailah, aku disini...

Yang cuma ingin diam, duduk di tempatku
Menanti seorang yang biasa saja
Segelas air di tangannya, kala kuterbaring... sakit
Yang sudi dekat, mendekap tanganku
Mencari teduhnya dalam mataku
Dan berbisik : "Pandang aku, kau tak sendiri,
oh dewiku..."
Dan demi Tuhan, hanya itulah yang
Itu saja kuinginkan

Sahabatku, bukan maksud hati membebani,
Tetapi...

Telah lama, kumenanti
Satu malam sunyi untuk kuakhiri
Dan usai tangis ini, aku kan berjanji...

Untuk diam, duduk di tempatku
Menanti seorang yang biasa saja
Segelas air di tangannya, kala kuterbaring... sakit
Menentang malam, tanpa bimbang lagi
Demi satu dewi yang lelah bermimpi
Dan berbisik : "Selamat tidur, tak perlu bermimpi bersamaku..."

Wahai tuhan, jangan bilang lagi itu terlalu tinggi

Bittersweet memories

When i went home several days ago, i saw two brown books on my cupboard. I really know those books. Those are my journal books which were written when i was junior - senior high school. I brought those books everywhere. I wrote it in a class, when people were busy to socialize each other, i sat on my chair and wrote anything on my mind into those books. In the night, when i feel so bad or happy i wrote on those books. Each book worths a year story.

The stories are about everything. Some are about how annoying my classmates are and the rest are about how weird i am. I also put my fave songs lyrics in those books. I write my own short story there and lend it to my friends. Some of my friends also participated in giving colors to these books. Sometimes they comments are just funny and exaggerated.

Laugh and cry. The story about my family's problem, how i really want to go out from my house at that time.The story of classmate crush, when i got a crush on my classmate but unfortunately she didn't feel the same way too and  chose my fucking senior. The story which lead me to my first love story and end up with a confession of a broken heart. Bittersweet memories. Too sweet too forget.

Classic story for the future.

Maintaining old friendships

There was a time when we're together in the night of July. Talking and laughing without knowing that tomorrow everything will never be the same again. We will be scattered. Taking different train to our own destinations on a different track. There will be no moment like this again. The vow was spoken that time and distance will never defeat us. And yes, it didn't defeat us. We're still the same. We still have a joke , a laugh, joy, and fun though the distance keep us aside.

1 month, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year everything still the same. 2 years later apparently our train have reached its destination. We go chasing our dreams. Meet a new people, get a new problem, live in a new environment. Everything is different. When we try to look back, we're just too far from our starting point. The new things seems really suited us up. So when we go back, we find ourselves strangers to each other. Maintaining the old friendship isn't as easy as renovate an old house.

People come and go. When you say hello it's about time before you to say goodbye.
Nothing lasts forever

Dinner

Today i have eaten 3 times and some snacks. My stomach is fully loaded, i don't wanna eat anymore. But when i came home my mother made my favorite food, she fried me a fish and stuffs. Honestly, i couldn't eat more food, my stomach is overly full and if i force to eat i'll be throwing it. But my mother was really excited when she's asking me to have a dinner. My brother was going to work and he refused to have a dinner coz he didn't wanna eat.

I don't wanna disappoint my mother even in a very little thing. She has done her best to serve me with my favorite food while waiting for me to go home. And if i don't eat the food, it would be very cruel. So i took a plate and put the rice on it and having a dinner. Because i realize that there will be a time when i'll be missing mom-made food.

missing

in every crowd, every rush, every tiring activity that happen on my day, i found myself alone.


i'm missing something that i don't know what it is.


sorry for complaining.
now let me sing ...

i'm more than a man, i'm more than a plane , more than cute faces inside the train

even heroes have a right to bleed.

it's not easy to be me

The Call

Hari ini adalah hari yang cukup berat bagi Jessica, dia baru saja dikeluarkan oleh atasannya di tempat dia bekerja setelah bekerja selama 1 tahun dengan gaji yang kecil dan atasan yang kurang bersahabat. Dia berselesih paham dengan bos nya hari ini dan pada klimaksnya adalah ia dipecat dari tempat itu. Walaupun harus kehilangan pekerjaan, tapi ini lebih baik bagi Jessica daripada harus bekerja dengan penuh tekanan tanpa reward yang sepadan.

Dengan langkah gontai Jessica berjalan kaki dari halte bus ke tempat tinggalnya. Biasanya setelah pulang dia akan melakukan beberapa kegiatan refreshment untuk mempersiapkan diri menghadapi pagi hari dan berhadapan kembali dengan pekerjaan yang menjenuhkan, tapi kali ini dia memiliki waktu luang yang sangat panjang. Ia tidak tahu apa yang akan dilakukannya besok. Sekarang ia jobless. Mungkin mulai besok ia harus mulai rajin membaca koran, browsing internet, atau menghubungi teman - temannya untuk mencari info lowongan pekerjaan.

Di jalan yang sedang ia lewati, Jessica melihat neon box warnet 24 jam. Kemudian ia berbelok dan memasuki warnet itu. Mungkin ia bisa bermain sebentar di situ sambil mencari info lowongan pekerjaan. Walaupun hari sudah malam toh besok dia tidak harus bangun pagi seperti biasanya. Ia pun mulai memasukkan kata kunci ke mesin pencarian. Setelah beberapa kali mencoba melakukan pencarian di situs job portal, belum ada juga pekerjaan yang menarik dan cocok dengan dirinya padahal dia sudah berada di warnet sekitar 1 jam an. Ia melihat icon program chat di sudut layar desktop dan kemudian meng-kliknya. Jessica menggunakan nickname i_am_not_hooker lalu connect ke server. Beberapa menit kemudian, ada seseorang masuk ke chat queue nya.

after_work_guy : hi, nice nick. why do u use dat nick ?

i_am_not_hooker : bcoz am not hooker. i'm just bored. But you know, most of people here are like hookers and makes me feel like hooker. they ask for ur pic, ur phone no, and arrange a date then make love. disgusting.

after_work_guy : lol, i know that. that's why i pick you bcoz u look different. so wat kinda chat do u expect ?

i_am_not_hooker : a decent one.

after_work_guy : what is the definition of decent chat in ur POV ?

i_am_not_hooker : why don't we skip this philosophical thingy and enjoy the chat ?

Mereka berdua lalu berkenalan. Ternyata after_work_guy bernama Robin, ia bekerja di legal division salah satu perusahaan swasta. Percakapan mereka cukup menyenangkan dan Robin agak berbeda dengan chatter lainnya yang biasa nya sangat strict to the point mencari teman kencan dan mengajak mereka bertemu untuk tujuan yang sudah dapat ditebak, make love. Sepertinya Robin seorang yang well-educated dan berkarakter. Jarang sekali bertemu orang seperti dia di chatroom seperti ini. Robin kemudian mengajak Jessica melakukan sebuah permainan. Dimana mereka berdua harus menyiapkan pertanyaan pilihan untuk yang lainnya, dan yang ditanya harus memilih salah satu pilihan tidak boleh keduanya atau tidak memilih.

after_work_guy : start with simple question, black or blue ?

i_am_not_hooker : blue. hmmm pop or rock ?

after_work_guy : absolutely rock, sauce or mayonaise ?

i_am_not_hooker : mayonaise. hmm to love or to be loved ?

after_work_guy : to love. bcoz to be loved by someone we don't love is irritating.

Mereka terus melanjutkan pertanyaan - pertanyaan itu. Tidak jelas tujuannya tetapi itu membuat mereka enjoy sampai - sampai lupa waktu padahal saat ini sudah lewat tengah malam dan hampir pagi.

after_work_guy : when u meet an interesting people on chat and want to know him closer. do u ask his number or waiting for him to ask ur number ?

i_am_not_hooker : hahaha ... wicked! waiting for him to ask my number :p

after_work_guy : so ..may i have ur number please :)

Lalu Jessica memberikan nomor teleponnya tetapi ia lupa meminta nomor telepon Robin. Mereka juga sempat bertukar foto. Wajah Robin cukup menarik bagi Jessica walaupun bukan termasuk wajah yang sangat tampan tapi menarik. Beberapa saat kemudian mereka saling berpamitan untuk offline. Sebelumnya Robin berjanji pada Jessica untuk meneleponnya nanti. Jessica pun bersiap untuk pulang, setelah mengirim email lamaran kerja ke perusahaan yang akhirnya ia dapat dari internet tersebut kemudian ia meninggalkan warnet itu dan pulang.

Jessica bukanlah orang yang mudah tertarik pada pria. Tetapi ketika dia bertemu pria yang bisa membuatnya terlibat di dalam percakapan yang sangat menarik, maka ia akan terobsesi pada orang itu. Menurutnya, orang yang bisa cocok dengannya dalam sebuah percakapan berarti mereka mempunyai pola pikir yang hampir sama dan cocok, jarang sekali ia menemukan orang yang cocok dengannya. Dan pria seperti itulah yang dia cari. Sepertinya Robin telah masuk kategori itu. Hal itu membuat Jessica overexcited ketika pulang ke rumah. Setelah mandi, dia tidak langsung tidur tetapi berusaha tetap terjaga siapa tahu Robin akan meneleponnya malam itu. Tetapi 2 jam berlalu handphonenya tidak berbunyi. Mungkin dia tidak akan menelepon malam ini, pikir Jessica. Lalu ia memutuskan untuk tidur saat itu dengan tangannya yang tetap memegang handphonenya supaya jika Robin menelepon ia akan langsung terbangun dan tidak ketiduran.

Sekitar jam 5 pagi Jessica terbangun karena handphone nya berbunyi. Ia cepat - cepat bangun dan meraih handphonenya. Ternyata itu bunyi alarm yang biasa ia set agar tidak terlambat bekerja, bukan panggilan dari Robin. Setelah mematikan alarm tersebut ia kembali tidur. Beberapa saat kemudian handphone nya berbunyi lagi dan dengan reflek dia mematikannya. Satu jam kemudian Jessica bangun dan langsung mengecek handphonenya. Ada 1 missedcall. Pasti dari Robin, pikirnya. Bodoh sekali kenapa tadi dia berpikir kalau itu bunyi alarm dan langsung mematikannya. Argh, aku harus meneleponnya balik, pikir Jessica. Beberapa kali ia mencoba menelepon balik tetapi tidak diangkat. Sampai siang hari Jessica mencoba menelepon balik tetap tidak diangkat, dan tidak ada lagi panggilan dari nomor itu.

Sudah 3 hari berlalu, belum ada kabar dari Robin. Entah kenapa Jessica seperti terobsesi padanya. Padahal dia belum pernah bertemu dengan Robin, mungkin saja waktu itu Robin tidak serius saat berjanji meneleponnya. Kenapa dia harus menanggapinya seserius ini seperti orang bodoh ? Sudahlah, mungkin saat itu Robin cuma bercanda. Tidak perlu dipikirkan.

Saat Jessica mulai tidak terlalu memikirkan Robin, sebuah nomor tidak dikenal menghubungi handphone nya. Dari Robin. Jessica sangat senang karena akhirnya yang ia tunggu datang juga. Pada kesempatan itu Robin mengajak Jessica untuk bertemu dan berkenalan lebih lanjut. Mereka berjanji untuk bertemu di sebuah coffeeshop di kota. Tanpa ragu, Jessica mengiyakan ajakkan Robin. 

Jessica datang lebih dulu di tempat yang sudah dijanjikan. Dengan sangat tidak sabar ia menunggu kedatangan Robin. Tetapi Robin lama sekali belum muncul. Mungkin ia akan sedikit terlambat. Tapi satu jam berlalu, Robin masih belum datang. Lalu Jessica memutuskan untuk berjalan - jalan di luar. Ketika dia berjalan kaki di sekitar situ dia melihat kerumunan orang. Terlihat mobil polisi di  tempat itu. Dilihatnya seorang korban tabrak lari yang terkapar di jalanan. Sepertinya ia sudah tidak bernyawa. Darah mengucur dari tubuh seorang laki - laki yang menggunakan kaos dan jeans sobek - sobek itu. Polisi bilang, dari identitas nya diketahui laki - laki itu bekerja di salah satu minimart di dekat situ dan tertabrak ketika akan menyebrang.

Jessica mencoba menelepon Robin, sampai saat ini dia belum juga datang. Mungkin dari tempat ini Robin akan lebih mudah menemukannya. Saat dia mendial nomor Robin kemudian terdengar nada sambung, terdengar handphone korban tabrak lari yang tergeletak di sampingnya berbunyi. Ia mendekatinya dan melihat nya. Di layar handphone itu terlihat ada panggilan masuk dari nomor Jessica. Jessica lalu menutup teleponnya dan handphone si korban tabrak lari itu berhenti berdering. Lalu Jessica mendialnya kembali dan handphone itu kembali berdering. 

Ternyata itu handphone milik Robin. Dan sepertinya korban tabrak lari itu adalah Robin. Seorang pegawai di sebuah minimart ? dan wajahnya pun berbeda dengan foto yang diberikan Robin waktu itu. Ternyata dia berbohong. Jadi dia telah dibohongi oleh Robin, bodoh sekali bisa semudah itu percaya pada orang asing di dunia maya.  Ternyata dia sama saja dengan semua chatter lain. Pembohong. 

"Damn, big fat liar ! he deserved to die..."