Mainstream

I feel like a vampire who goes to a mainstream. No matter how he try to restrain, he can still feel the urge to feed on human every time they see human's blood.

I don't feed on human's blood though, it's just an analogy. What i mean is another thing which can cause the urge , but i do have the willingness to go to mainstream society.

But sometimes the thing is felt like a torture. It's tiring. It would be so easy to give up. But if i recall all of my effort for it, i don't wanna give it up.

I wanna be a person who can live with this torture. Coz if i can survive this, it is a gift. The other side of me just wanna be free. I know it will always be like this. The thing will disappear if i disappear.

i had a plan. i wanted to change who i was. Create a life as someone new. Someone without the past. Without the pain. Someone alive. But it's not that easy. The bad things stay with you. They follow you. You can't escape them as much as you want to. All you can do is ready for the good. So when it comes, you invite it in because you need it. I need it