Busy

Belakangan ini gw sibuk banget. Kira - kira udah berlangsung sebulan an lebih lagi. Dari dulu pengen sih kayak gini, pengen sibuk. Karena biasanya banyak banget waktu luang dan hidup jadi kurang produktif. Tapi waktu kesibukkan datang, semuanya datang barengan. Project datang berbarengan dengan deadline sama, belum lagi Kerja Praktek dan Ujian. Padahal 2 project udah gw lepas dan kasih ke temen. Tapi masih aja overload. Mo gimana lagi, butuh duit juga sih :D.

Besok ada UTS, dan kemarin harus bolak - balik Jakarta - Bandung - Jakarta cuma untuk legalisir SKHUN. Udah sempet belajar sih di kereta sedikit, tadi sebelum maghrib pun sempet belajar tapi belum maksimal. Daritadi sibuk bagi waktu dan kerjain project. Project KP yang harus dipresentasiin lusa, project freelance yang minta beres dalam 10 hari. ADOOOOOH puyeng juga ngatur waktunya.

Ya Allah ... mudahkanlah segala urusanku,  pasti bisa yah. Semangat. At least otak dan pikiran gw disalurkan untuk hal yang produktif. Bukan hal yang negatif.

Anyway, kemarin baru nonton Tanda Tanya. Masih nggak ngerti kenapa itu film sempet mau di ban. Mungkin karena proporsi exposure umat islam di situ kurang. Whatever, gw juga nggak begitu suka banget film nya. Di beberapa bagian memang bagus, tapi ada bagian yang maksain juga. Tapi ada satu dialog dari film itu yang gw suka.

Ceritanya Revalina sempet pacaran sama cowo chinese non muslim. Lalu mereka putus dan Reva nikah sama orang lain. Si mantan nya itu masih dendam terus. Lalu Reva bilang ...

" Mungkin buat kamu ini pengalaman yang menyakitkan. Tapi buat aku ini anugerah, Tuhan ngasih aku kesempatan untuk merasakan cinta dengan orang yang berbeda agama "

 Uh wow. Jadi teringat sesuatu. Bukan soal beda agamanya sih. Tapi lebih ke seeing something from different angle. 


Jadi pengen bilang.


Buat kamu mungkin ini pengalaman yang menyakitkan, atau mungkin kesalahan yang sampe buat kamu harus jauhin dan  nggak kenal sama aku lagi. Tapi buat aku, bukan anugerah juga sih, tapi bisa merasakan cinta dengan cara yang berbeda, and however love is a gift right ? . I never regret that.

I hope you can be that wise in seeing things.

Kini

Malem - malem denger lagu ini kayak nya mellow banget. Daritadi diulang - ulang terus. Lagunya yang emang mellow udah gitu dinyanyiin sama Afgan lagi. Susah untuk tidak terbawa galau.




"Dan tak seindah cinta yang lalu , yang jalan dan jalin tanpa restu. Ku akhiri namun tak berakhir. Ku hindari, hati tak ingin terpisah..."

#eeeaaaa galau

Morning Blast

Remember every single moment that i have passed. Everytime i see the places, i see the blast.

I decide to go to Bandung today for runaway vacation. Bandung always becomes stabilizer when i have problems in Jakarta. I know my trip to Bandung will be a walk to remember. Finding past reminders and having those memory blasts. But i can't avoid it forever, it is my hometown anyway.

Yesterday i went to my friend's place so i can go to the station earlier because it is closer from there. When i see the bus shelter, i see [delusion of] you're walking down the stairs. So i take a bow for i don't wanna see that blast.

I arrived at my friend's room. And it's playing like a film without a sound, the scenes when you and me were there. When i cut a bandage for your scars. When i see you lay down there. I closed my eyes for i don't wanna see it.

I take the first train. It's at 5.45am. I woke up late and i walked down the street to the bus shelter. From Roxy to Gambir i should take bus direction to Harmoni before i proceed to Pulogadung. I don't know why busway and its shelter have a lot of memory associated to you. Standing in Harmoni just reminds me of the time when i sat there waiting for you. You came late, and we missed the train so we had to take the last train to Bandung. But i ignore the blast.

It's last minutes, i arrived at the station and the first thing i see is its balcony. I saw you and i there, standing just the two of us. We're waiting for the last train at 7pm. And it was still 3 hours to go.  I run fast for i don't wanna see that blast.

It's enough. It's enough to remember everything. To think about someone who may not even think about me. Thinking about someone who's avoiding me. It's enough.

Memories are supposed to fade. Even if it doesn't. It's okay.

You were the part of my life and you will always be. It just hurts to know that.

- I posted it in a train -

Plausible Deniability

Do you ever badly want to do something but your mind says no ?

I'm feeling this. Actually, since more than a week ago i face this fight. A fight between my heart and my mind. Both are strong. The heart is getting stronger late at night and early morning. But when i start the day with my activities, the mind is getting stronger.

I have a lot of justifications to win what my heart wants. Just ignore the thoughts. But what how will i feel afterwards ? will i be better ? will i be worse ?

Then my mind tells me. It is not a time for gambling. You gamble too much. It is the time to use your logic and solve the problem. Analyze the condition, finding the fact, prove your hypotesis and solve the problem. When you don't know it gives you a betterment or not. You better not to take the risk.

I know i'm smart and strong as well. I will never let my heart win over my brain. This is not a game where you can restart when it's game over.

I should hear my mind. I better not do that. I better neglect my heart wants.

It is ... plausible deniability.

I believe it's for a greater good. Just like changing behavior. It will never be easy. There will be a point when you really want to quit.  

Talk

This the reason why i don't wanna sleep.
Because i have a lot of things on my mind.
I just wanna talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk.

For you who makes me feel invisible when i'm not.
FUCK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You're not saint.
I'm not evil.

You're just as bad as me.

Homesick

Seems that i will back to be regular blogger again who posts every night. It is 12am and i still don't want to sleep. I want to write something or i just making up a reason because i don't want to make it through the night. It just feels good not to sleep because what difference a day makes ? I will wake up with the same feeling , same dream, same routine.

I miss talking with strangers, at night. Picking a random topic with a random people. Sometimes it is fun. Just fun, don't need anything serious because everything ends when i turn off my laptop and the night over. But most of strangers are dangerous and weird. I better not to.

So i decide to do double agent thingy. I call my friend to help me investigating people who blackmail me in weird way. The discussion is quite helpful. Giving me some clues. Anything is possible. Now it's mine to choose which i believe. But then again, i don't trust anyone. People like to see the best in someone but i like to see the truth. Or worse, i like to see the worst in people.

Anyway, i miss home. I usually go home when i'm having a trouble in this city. Going to Bandung will stabilize my mood, neutralizing my mind. Because there's my family who treat me warmly eventhough i reply their text with a cold statement. But i doubt to go home now. It's just i have a memory in that city recently. I'm just affraid i will be buzzed by those memories when i see the road, my home, etc. Just let's see. I won't avoid Bandung forever.

Do you remember ?

Recently, i kinda lose my trust to anyone.  The fact that my friend backstabbing me while another friend filling me in with a fake and doubtful information, another one stalking me and accusing me for something i never do. I don't know what's behind it all. All i know their purpose is to put me in a trouble.

This afternoon, i went to a library. I was about to spend my satnite there. I met a friend then he took a sit right next to me. Well, we usually meet at the library. Unfortunately the library's closing at 5 o'clock. So i gotta go and pack my stuffs earlier.

"Where are you gonna go after this ?" , my friend said.

'Well, go home. I don't have any agenda for tonight.'

"Don't you wanna grab some foods before going home ?" , he said while we're walking to the locker.

'Ahm... yeah, but i don't wanna rice. i want bakmie.'

"Okay, you go first then and order it for me too"

So i walked away and i found that the cafetaria is already closed. I text my friend. Apparently, there's Bakmie booth in front of our campus and we decided to go there. We ordered the food and we ate.  After we finished. My friend talked to me.

" Jar, i wanna ask something, hmm but i better not"
' what ?'
" No, hmm later." , he said. I stopped asking him because i'm not really interested in non-urgent-thing.

" Jar, i wanna ask something." , he said again.

' WHAAAAAAAT ?', i don't really like when people doing this. If you wanna ask something then go for it. If you don't really want to ask that just don't say 'i wanna ask something'

" But please don't be offended"

' i won't'

" Hmmm .... do you remember when you chat me on YM ?"

' which chat ? when ? '

" in our first year of college. When you asked me to come to your place."

' hmmmm .... to my place ?' , i tried to recall all of chat history of us. And i couldn't find the part where i ask him to come to my place.

" yeah, do you remember ?"

' i ... don't think so. what's with it ?'

" and ... you asked me to do that 'thing' " , he made a quotes sign with his hands.

' hm ? what thing ? '

" you know ... having sex "

' having ... WHATTTTTT ???? ' , did i mishear ?

" having sex, you know "

' wait, did u say ... i chat you on YM. Invite you to my place for having sex ?'

" yes, do you remember ? "

' DID I REALLY DO THAT ??? ' , i couldn't close my mouth.  I make sure that i didn't have amnesia or ... memory loss. Because i fully remember i never do that.

" yees ... "

' but i NEVER do that ! '

" but it's your ID . we were having a chat and in the end you said that "

' I NEVER DO THAT '

For God's sake , what's happening. I swear i never said that. There must be a mistake. Or it is a set up. Either he set it up, or my friend hijacked my YM ID and did that. Whatever, this is very serious accusation. And i have to find what's behind it.

Gosh, I must be spotted by Gossipgirl. I need Blair Waldorf to find the bitch.



 

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