What if

What if ...
What if i did it ...
What if i didn't ...
What if i ...
What if ...

Nggak akan habis kata - kata untuk meneruskan 'what if' itu. Nggak akan habis juga sesal yang terasa setiap satu kalimat 'what if' itu selesai. Walaupun kita membuat berbagai macam kondisi bagaimana jika begini, begitu, sebagus dan se-melegakan apa pun kondisi nya beberapa detik kemudian kita sadar itu cuma 'what if'.

Hari ini banyak temen - temen yang mulai berdatangan ke Binus untuk lomba South East Asia English Olympic. Di hari yang sama gw akan pulang ke Bandung selama liburan. Sebenernya nggak ada hubungan nya juga. Tapi entah kenapa waktu kontak - kontakkan sama temen - temen yang  lagi prepare, terlintas di pikiran 'koq sekarang gw nggak ikutan ya ?' Nggak ikut bagian apa - apa. Padahal 2 tahun kemarin gw masih ikut Debate nya. Dan NEO 2 tahun lalu itu pertama kali gw debate di varsity level.

Sudah hampir setahun gw berhenti debate. Gw sendiri sih yang mutusin untuk berhenti. But believe me, letting go is not that easy. Competition has always been a part of my life. It's not easy when you're losing a part of your life. Knowing how many chances that i've lost for this retirement. Ngebayangin kalau gw masih aktif mungkin gw bisa ikut lomba ini, kalau gw masih suka latihan mungkin gw bisa ikut seleksi ini, kalau gw masih ini .. mungkin gw akan itu ... kalau gw nggak ini mungkin gw nggak akan gitu ... dan banyak lagi kalau - kalau yang lain ...

But i had already chosen. Dan ini hal yang udah lama ingin gw lakukan, set myself free. And every choice takes something in return.

Like Blair Waldorf said ..
.
"It's not use to deny the past. Chuck is a part of me. He'll always be. It just hurts so much."

my best and worst shot

.........

Banyak yang pengen diomongin. Tapi bingung mau nulis dimana. Di Facebook ? Twitter ? malu juga flooding homepage sama status - status aneh terus. Di blog ? flooding terus juga rasanya gimana gitu. Tapi kan ini  blog blog gue juga. Bebas bebas aja.

Tapi mau nulis apa juga. Banyak sih yang ada di kepala. Tapi ga semuanya penting juga kayaknya untuk ditulis, lagian nggak habis - habisnya. Kalo lagi gini sebenernya enaknya sih diem aja ... contemplating [contemplating apa juga]. Tapi kalo bengong aja juga takut kesurupan.

Ketika listener dan sharing udah nggak berguna. Apa yang harus gue lakukan dengan isi kepala ini.

Mending foto - foto aja deh ....

Can we question life ?

Woken up at 4 in the morning to hear a story of a friend. To hear the fact that ... there's something in this world that will never work, no matter how hard you try to make it work. We were born to live with everything that we're destined to bring. We cannot complain. We cannot resist.

But do we even have a right to question what's the reason behind this, what is what ? No, we don't.

We just have to do it. We just have to obey it.

Nobody has a clue how hurts and painful it is to do something that you don't want to do, wanting something that you can't do. And you can't even negotiate.


Can we question life ? no.

What we can do is just walking on the path that has been paved for us. The path that we don't really know where the path is leading us to. But we just can believe that the path ... leads us ... somewhere ...

[or it is me , for that matter]

22

And finally i'm 22. Which is dalam kalender kakak cowo gw, taun depan gw nikah ? what ??? it's still way ... way too far from my schedule. Mungkin itu sebabnya bokap sms gw di tengah - tengah ujian dengan pertanyaan sangat nggak penting.

"dra, udah punya someone belom ?"

Someone ..... for God's sake kenap juga nanyain begituan.

Anyway, 5 februari kemarin itu agak ngebetein sebenernya. I thought that was my worst birthday ever. Ya kalo taun kemaren kan, ada temen gw yang sengaja dateng dari Bandung bawa - bawa gitar dan nyanyiin lagu buat gw [iya gitu ?], temen gw yang di Jakarta dateng bawa cake dan lilin nya, temen- temen se rumah gw walaupun cuma ngasih lemparan terigu dan telor, that was priceless. Tapi taun ini ? not even one. Nggak ada sama sekali itu semua. Seharian, gw diam di kost an sendiri tanpa pengunjung. Suram.

Besoknya sih , akhirnya gw pergi bertiga bareng temen gw dan cowonya. Dia ngajak creambath gitu di salon. Ya udah gw ikut aja. Pas gw lagi dipijit - pijit sama mbak - mbak nya ... tau - tau dia datang dari luar bawa kue dadakkan dengan lilin - lilin dadakkan juga. Walaupun serba dadakkan dan serba maksa tapi seneng deh, at least ulang tahun kali ini nggak sepi - sepi amat. Liat aja foto nya kali ya daripada gw ngomong melulu. A picture kan worth a thousand words.

ibu - ibu lagi pada creambath. BTW gw d situ mirip Dimas Andrean ya ;))

antara ibu - ibu yang lagi nyalon atau pengidap kanker yang lagi kemo. But obviously that's not even a cake

awh ... pelan - pelan donk .. ;))

abis creambath rambut gw masih ancur - ancur aja tuh, ga ngaruh.

afterparty. thanks guys [liat kan rambutnya ga ngaruh banget]

Soliloquy ......

hey how are you ?

i'm fine

Really ?

Yeah ...

But you don't seem so

So what do you expect me to say ?

Seriously what's happening ? aren't you supposed to be happy right now ?

Happy ? now ? are you kidding me ?

Yeah, i mean ... you get all you wanted. At least everything's on the right track.

But ... it's just not that perfect

Don't expect too much ! it will just lead you to disappointment. Isn't it enough for you to know that everything's okay. That there's nothing bad happen ?

It's not enough ! until i know everything is under control.  That's nothing to worry about. Not until it's crystal clear. You have no idea how worrisome it is. Doing something for uncertainty. You don't even know is it worth it. Is it really worth it.

Hey , remember this statement ? "just think positively. That's important for any kinds of human interaction"

Hell i'm not that man. That never works for me.

Hey don't overreact. Remember that. If you're really into this game. Then just follow the rule. Or just quit playing the game. Do you wanna quit ?

No. i'll try not to overreact.