Reap What You Sow

I hate a friend-foe relationship with someone. I used to like her as a friend. But now i hate her as much as so much hatred that she spreads. She's full of negativity. All of her words is indoctrination. Her smile is fake. Looks like an angel but can turn into an evil within a flip hand as soon as she realizes that you're not on her side, you're not worshiping her. She's an attention whore. 

Thought that it's my only judgement because of my empathy is decreasing lately due to stress and fatigue. But  apparently 3 other friends feel the same way. I don't like being fake or maybe i'm tired of being fake. So, not like my friend who chooses to be a two faced person. I'd rather trigger a confrontation.

As expected. With only one effortless statement. The drama has begun. The cold war is all around. She floods the world with her selfish-assumptive-cynical statements. Proof that she's a drama queen. Public Enemy. I believe that if everybody gets a chance to say their opinion about her, they will say the same thing or even worse.

She teamed with her not-even-handsome boyfriend  who is a lot like her. Which makes them two most annoying persons on earth. She always thinks that her boyfriend is the smartest of all. She always thinks that she's the most beautiful on earth. They always think that they're the greatest person on earth and others are idiots.

Someday they will reap what they sow. All the hatred that they spread will come  to them. This is just a beginning.

Persistent Bad Mood

This bad mood cycle that has started which has been occuring since two weeks ago is till happening today. Last night was really consuming. Bad day at work. This morning i had an IELTS class at 11.30 am. I planned to go to office first but when i woke up i didn't really feel well. So i decided to go from my boarding house at 11 am. I waited for a cab for almost half an hour. I must be late. But i guess the tutor will be okay. He is a boring javanese guy who will be okay with the lateness.

I arrived at 11.50. When i tried to open the door, apparently he was not the last week tutor. He's a native and kinda shocked when i came in. I took my seat without asking for a permission because i didn't really want to talk. Then he asked "what's your excuse ?" . Damn,  hadn't prepared any and i didn't want to lie. Besides, my brain couldn't work fast at that time. Peer pressure that i have said on last post also made it even worse. I acted like fool. Then finally said unimportant excuse like "i ... had to ... buy something". The tutor grabbed my plastic bag containing bottles of water, chocolate, sock and sausages that i bought from mini mart and put it outside one by one. "penting banget ya ..." with bule accent. "yes, i haven't got my breakfast." i said. 

He used that breakfast issue to tease me during the session. He pointed at me cynically. Annoying. Today was started with embarrassment and for God's sake, maybe the tutor was really annoyed by me so he kept using that breakfast issue in any chances. Anyway, he threw a lot of question to me. I didn't know it is me or his accent that is hard to be understood. Every time he asks, i say "sorry ?" or "what was the question ?" or "i don't get you". 

He doesn't sound like british. I mean, i'm quite familiar with british accent but his accent is quite strange. Besides, english man are usually friendly and nice, not like him.

But so far, nothing bad happened after ward. Until now there is no emergency ping from my boss. I hope everything will be okay until the end of the day so i can go home earlier to work on my thesis. Apparently, i have to get it finished by next week. For God's sake.

Bad day

I can't describe how i'm upset today.
I just hope that the TCB selection process will be fast and smooth. So does with my thesis.
I'm just ... exhausted with this job.

Upperhand

I have to admit that business communication and IELTS prep class give me some refreshment between my daily routines. At least i go to other place, meet other friends, and learn something. Not only commute from my boarding house to office every day. 

So, there's a friend in my class. He got the first rank of the placement test result. I know that his english is good,  he used to be debater too when he was in high school. While i got the 9th or 10th. I wasn't really serious on the test due to sleep deprivation. So i didn't really care about the rank (well, i did, a lil bit). 

I believe that his english is good. But i believe my english is also good and i still get the upperhand among other students in my class. Ok, i know it sounds so arrogant and cynical but that's the way i see everything. I consider everything as a competition. I over estimate myself to gain more confidence. I know it isn't right though. I had 8 other students above my rank, but i didn't really count them. I focused on his rank. I was so curious because i never know his writing or speaking.

So, last meeting, we had a conversation class and i was in a group with him. We had to tell some stories to others. He told his story and that's my first time i heard him speaking english. Yes, he's english is good and probably better than me. At least i know that his test result wasn't just coincidence. He could maintain his grammar while narrating his story fluently. Honestly, i didn't really pay attention to his story but i did grammar and pronunciation checking. Trying to find a hole in his speaking. I didn't really find it.

Then i realized that his english is better than me. Ok, Fine. I felt like not that cool anymore. Tried to put him as a competitor, but he's a good friend so i can't treat him so. As usual, i always get intimidated when i confront someone who is better than me. Then It was my turn to tell my story. I was nervous for i was afraid of making mistakes. I couldn't maintain my grammar while arranging my sentences.

Sometimes it's just hard to accept that i meet someone better than me, especially when the person is my friend.

That's all.

Your job is not to wonder why. Your job is to do or die.

Another part of being APM besides scheduling, monitoring, and estimating is being a nanny for the developers. Sometimes i have to push them and give them pressure when the deadline is tight. But i know that people have limitation. Some people can do harder job than the other, while the rest can't. I don't really like pessimistic thought. When i work as a programmer and i find some bugs without having a clue, i'll keep trying to find a way to solve the problem. I never say i can't. Unless, the problem is out of my capability. But i should have find it out in the very beginning and i won't take that job.

That's why i really hate when my developers ask me "Jar, kalo ini ga selesai gimana ?" , "Jar, aduh gue udah ga bisa, gimana nih ?" , or  "Jar, kalo gue ga bisa gimana ?".

Oh, come on. Your job is not to wonder why, your job is to do or die. Fortunately i don't really have big emphaty for whiners. When the ask me so, i just say "harus selesai hari ini. no choices.". Sometimes, when they know the fact that we can't delay anymore, they keep asking me the same thing. At that point, sometimes i unconsciously give them motivational session.

"Lo itu nggak boleh bilang nggak bisa. Tiap apa - apa bilang nya nggak bisa. Nanti jadi ga bisa beneran. Itu tuh kayak self talk. Kalo terus - terusan bilang gitu, itu nanti ngirim energi negatif ke otak lo. Jadi harus optimis. Harus bisa."

But still, they keep whining. Errr ... They are all older than me but they act like kids. I have to hear their whining every time they face a problem. My only solution is i don't listen them and keep forcing them to work till the last drop and don't allow them to go home before they finish their work.

I know it won't work to push people working when they're already fatigue, but i just want them not to give up. I want them to have more sense of responsibility and more willingness to try than giving up easily.

Grow up kids !