Hai Om !

"Hai om! my name is Mahira, how are you ?"

A message popped up my screen just now with a picture of a baby's face below it. It's from my junior who got married like a year ago. I didn't even know that they're pregnant until I received this message. He said that she was born at 3.30 AM this morning but he couldn't be there to witness his little treasure's arrival on earth because he's having a class today.

Sometimes I'm flattered when people make me be the first to know about some important moments in their life. You know, it seems easier to remember whom to be contacted when you're depressed than remembering whom to share when you find a happiness. Well, in that range of time 3.30 till now he could've  done many things or contacted many friends and family about this happy news. So glad that I am included on the list. Even my brother didn't do this although he already has three daughters now. (Speaking of which, I haven't got to see my youngest niece who were born two weeks ago).

That junior also sent me a private message on Facebook last year telling that he would get married two months later. He asked me not to blow up about the news since there's nobody knew and I was the first one he told about it. 

It might sound like a simple thing, but knowing that our friend - even though we don't make regular contact - still consider us as a friend and willing to include us in their happiest moment of life. That's priceless.

 

Paintball with JTeam

Weekend kemarin, setelah dua bulan setengah bekerja di perusahaan ini akhirnya gue bertemu dengan orang - orang yang biasanya cuma berinteraksi lewat Gtalk ataupun email dan VoIP. It's good to know that I have a real office mates. And the most important thing, it's good to know that most of them are not fat LOL.

Karena yang ada di bayangan gue ketika menerima job yang dikerjakan dari rumah dan nggak perlu pergi ke kantor adalah penumpukan lemak. Kami bekerja mengikuti waktu Aussie yang berbeda 4 jam di saat daylight savings. Jadi kalau biasanya jam 5 pagi gue masih tidur, bahkan solat Subuh pun terlewat, ini jam 5 sudah harus online. The good thing is I barely miss Subuh prayer, kecuali ada halangan (halangan apa juga.)

Office hour nya tetap 8 jam, tapi karena kami mulai lebih awal jadi selesai pun masih awal sekitar jam 1 - 2 siang. Karena selesai nya pada saat lunch, biasanya gue nggak ambil jam istirahat. Jadi dari jam 5 pagi betul - betul sampai jam 1 siang. Setelah jam 1 siang biasanya off untuk makan siang dan ngantuk lalu ketiduran sampai sore. Dengan rutinitas seperti itu pastinya sangat sedikit aktifitas fisik. Kalau nafsu makan gue setinggi dulu, pasti sekarang sudah menumpuk banyak lemak (yang lebih banyak dari sekarang).

Berhubung sebentar lagi Christmast, kami dapat 1 day off  untuk Christmast party (ceritanya) yang kami pakai untuk gathering dan Outbond. But it seemed that it wasn't the best timing for outbond, Kami mulai jam 11 siang, which is 30 minutes to Juma'atan. Jadi akhirnya gue cuma ikut sesi foto lalu solat Jum'at, dan ketika beres solat mereka pun sudah selesai.

Cuma lunch aja yang gue bisa ikut full. Karena kesal nggak bisa ikut paintball, gue putuskan untuk balas dendam saat lunch. Di saat mereka sibuk mendengarkan cerita dari Eric (ketiga dari kanan), tentang pengalaman traveling nya, gue lebih memilih untuk hanya mendengarkan dan mengunyah sedikit demi sedikit. Ketika hampir selesai mereka menyadari dan berkomentar "he is so quite but he keeps eating and chewing" melihat piring gue yang sudah penuh terisi sampah tulang - tulang ayam dan ikan.

Well, the party didn't go as it planned but it's so good to finally see them.

One Way Chatter

Kemarin gue ceritanya pergi bareng seorang teman. Biasanya setiap minggu gue sempatkan untuk bertemu paling tidak satu orang teman saat weekend untuk sekedar ngobrol-ngobrol, mengingat setiap hari nya gue nggak pernah ketemu orang semenjak kerja di virtual office ini (and I will talk about that virtual office stuff later).

Jadi saat itu kami sedang menunggu jadwal film yang akan main sekitar satu setengah jam lagi.

"Nih, weekend kemarin gue ketemu dia ..." katanya sambil menunjukan foto seseorang yang dia ajak kenalan minggu kemarin. Rutinitas dia setiap kami bertemu adalah memperlihatkan foto - foto kenalan nya.

"Kalo ini, dia anak Maranatha bla bla bla ..." sambungnya menunjukan foto lain.

Sampai dia menunjukan beberapa foto gue masih menyimak sambil menikmati ayam goreng favorit. Gue akhirnya mulai membuka mulut ikut bercerita.

"Eh tau ngga, temen gue ada yang kena tipu. jadi dia itu ..."

"Nih, kalo ini gue udah sering main ke rumah nya" foto lain kembali ditunjukkan nya seakan dia tidak mendengar kata - kata gue tadi. 

Gue pun kembali menyimak sampai beberapa foto ditunjukan nya kembali. Ingin melanjutkan topik yang tadi, tapi sepertinya udah basi, udah terlanjut bete juga. Mungkin cari topik lain.

"eh di tempat gue kerja yg sekarang kan ..."

"nih nih, ada lagi. lucu kan bla bla bla"

FUCK ! this isn't funny anymore. Dia bener - bener nggak ngedengerin gue men. Dan pada saat itu gue udah bener - bener nggak peduli sama yang dia omongin. Mau dia tunjukin foto nude kenalan nya pun mungkin gue akan masa bodo. Se-nggak peduli nya gue sama obrolan orang ya, gue masih memberikan kesempatan mereka berbicara dan menyelesaikan cerita nya walaupun cuma gue respon dengan senyuman dan 'oh ...'. Ini nggak loh, dia bahkan memotong pembicaraan gue. 

Gue pernah belajar tentang listening with empathy. Well, I always try to apply that setiap kali ada orang bercerita ke gue. Untuk orang seperti ini kayaknya itu nggak perlu deh, justru dia yang perlu menunjukan empati nya.

Dan gue pernah denger juga, a wise chatter is not the one who keeps talking about themselves but the one who keeps talking about yourself and makes you feel like the main character.

But for this kind of person, I'm so sorry I can't apply both methods. What I really wanted to do was just to throw a cup of coke in front of me to his head.

HHHHH!!!!

Sleep Early

He turned off the light and cover his whole body with a thick-tiger-motif blanket even though he already put a jacket on. His friend said, when you wake up in a cold temperature, it will make you become more reluctant to get up.

It's still 9.45 PM. He could still enjoy Sunday for the rest 2 hours before the Monday's sun finally rays, but he chose to enter his lower level of consciousness early. He didn't want to have to snooze the alarm due to insufficient sleep. An article says that snoozing your alarm is the beginning of snoozing your day. The bigger things will be on delay.

So he said "I love my job ..." in his heart as a positive self assertion after whispering his prayer to God. He doesn't hate his job. He just hasn't found a way to feel that waking up at 5AM for work is a pleasant thing to do. For it might be such an ungrateful thought, he said that self assertion to ease the reluctance. Some people out there might think that his job is a dream job they never had. So there's no reason to whine at his job or snooze the day tomorrow.

After setting up the alarms on his two phones, he put on the headphones and start closing his eyes.

Akhir Cerita

Dia menyimpan kembali mug putih besar berisi teh tawar hangat yang sedari tadi diteguknya. Isinya sudah tidak lagi penuh seiring dengan keyakinan nya yang mulai berkurang. Entah sudah gelas ke berapa, teh tawar hangat yang selalu dipercayainya dapat memberikan sedikit ketenangan, namun belum juga memberikan apa yang diharapkan nya. Ia memutuskan ini sebagai tegukan terakhir. Bahkan teh hangat yang sangat ia harapkan itu kini berangsur menjadi dingin tertempa udara dan rasa takut yang ada di pikiran nya.

Ketegaran nya mulai runtuh, tetapi masih cukup kokoh untuk mencegah sebulir air mata turun dari kelopak mata nya. Bertahun - tahun sudah ia menuliskan alur cerita yang tak diinginkan nya. Menutupi setiap kenyataan pahit dengan cerita yang dia buat.

Sudah sepertiga malam terakhir, dan dia belum juga menemukan akhir dari cerita ini. Setiap tarikan napas terasa sangat berat. Aliran hangat dari bulir air mata yang jatuh mulai terasa di pipinya ketika membayangkan akhir cerita yang akan melukai semua yang telah ia lindungi selama ini.  

Untuk setiap pilihan akhir cerita, harus ada tokoh yang dikorbankan. Sudah cukup lama ia menuliskan cerita untuk melindungi dirinya sendiri, mungkin ini saatnya ia memilih dirinya sendiri sebagai tokoh yang ia korbankan demi akhir cerita yang terbaik bagi semua.

Ketika pagi datang, ia akan segera berkemas meninggalkan tempat yang telah lama menjebak nya di dalam perjalanan yang meletihkan. Kembali pulang kepada orang - orang yang ia hormati dengan membawa harta yang paling berharga dalam hidupnya, berlutut di kaki mereka penuh rasa sesal dan pasrah berharap semua itu menjadi akhir yang indah.  

trrrrrt ....
Telepon genggam nya bergetar saat panggilan masuk dari kontak bernama 'Mamah'.

"Halo"
"Neng, kumaha damang ? iraha uwih ?"

Ketika mendengar suara orang yang paling dihormati nya itu, ia tersadar telah tertidur semalam sebelum sempat menuliskan akhir cerita yang harus ditulisnya. Kini ia harus kembali melanjutkan kisahnya, melanjutkan alur cerita yang selama ini ia jaga. Mungkin belum saat nya ia mencapai akhir cerita ini.

Wish For a Failure

"13 months ago, I never thought that I would ever wish for a failure in my life..but now, for this one time, Please please please God..give me a blessed failure and guide me on every step ahead *cross fingers"

Bunyi status Facebook salah satu teman di MT yang sekarang sudah selesai tahap akhir dan menunggu proses tie-up. Lucu yah kadang, bisa - bisa nya ada yang berdoa mendapatkan kegagalan setelah usaha selama satu tahun lebih. Sementara itu, nggak ada yang tahu gimana heartbroken nya gue ketika akhirnya di-eliminasi dari program itu sekitar 4 bulan yang lalu. Well, it's not that I want it so bad (but yes, I wanted it so bad) tapi ya nggak pernah aja rasanya di-dumped dari suatu tempat. Dan kalau setelah itu gue bilang melakukan itu dengan sengaja. Well, nggak semua yang lo dengar itu benar. Hehe. Ya nggak purely itu unsur kesengajaan karena ada part dimana gue benar - benar mengerahkan semua usaha gue untuk dapat yang terbaik di situ. 

Anyway, dia bukan orang pertama yang membicarakan hal seperti itu. Bulan ini beberapa teman di MT menghubungi gue setelah tau pekerjaan gue yang sekarang. Beberapa dari mereka bilang ingin bekerja seperti gue. Dan tidak sedikit yang bilang 'pengen fail aja' atau 'udah males'. Nggak tau harus senang atau sedih yah mendengar mereka ber-testimoni seperti itu. Mungkin senang nya karena finally gue sadar bahwa that was the right moment for me to get out of there and that was the best decision that I deserved. Nggak kebayang, kalau waktu itu gue lanjut dan harus menjalani project di tempat dan di pekerjaan yang gue nggak suka sama sekali. That would be 4 months in hell  tapi setelah itu ujung - ujungnya bakal keluar juga atau terpaksa stay untuk beberapa tahun ke depan. Wasted. Can't imagine that.

Sedihnya, ya kasian aja ngebayangin sebuah program yang harusnya membentuk calon - calon future leaders tetapi pada akhirnya justru orang - orang yang ada di sana adalah orang - orang yang tidak ingin berada di sana. 

Well, for what it's worth, I'm so grateful being here right now. 

Kerja nya apa ?

Tadi malam keponakanku yang sekarang duduk di kelas 1 SMP, Bayu, mendatangiku dengan malu - malu sambil membawa buku tulis dan pulpen ketika sedang menonton tv. Kami memang tinggal serumah sejak dia lahir 13 tahun lalu ketika aku masih kelas 5 SD, tapi aku memang orang yang jarang bicara di rumah kecuali kalau mau menyuruhnya untuk membelikanku bakso.

Dia lalu bertanya "Om Indra teh kerja nya apa ?"

Tidak langsung menjawab, aku melirik ke arahnya yang sedang membawa buku sambil mondar - mandir grogi menunggu jawabanku. Sebenarnya pertanyaan ini adalah pertanyaan yang paling malas aku jawab. Karena bahkan kalau orang dewasa yang bertanya, satu kalimat jawaban tidak akan cukup karena akan menimbulkan pertanyaan yang lebih panjang. Kadang ingin rasanya membuat brosur yang menjelaskan apa pekerjaan ku supaya tidak perlu mengulang - ulang jawaban panjang itu.

"emang kenapa ?",  jawabku seperti biasa ketika malas menjawab sebuah pertanyaan.

"ini ada tugas wawancara"

Tugas wawancara ? kayaknya waktu aku kelas 1 SMP tidak ada tugas wawancara nggak jelas kayak gini. Aku pun bingung memberikan istilah yang tepat dari pekerjaan ku sekarang. Digital Producer ? ah .. pasti nanti ribet kalau dia bertanya lagi 'digital producer teh apa ?'.

"hmmm.... kerjaan nya .... apa ya .... hmmm ... Project manager"

"project manager teh apa ?"

Kan .. kan ... mulai ribet deh.

"Project manager itu .... yang ngatur project. Bikin jadwal project, ngatur - ngatur gitu deh"

"project ??? jadwal apa ?"

Errr ... 

"ah udah ganti aja kerjaan nya biar gampang. Programmer aja"

"programmer teh apa ?"

Ih! anak jaman sekarang ya. 

"Programmer itu yang bikin program. Bikin website buat di internet tuh"

Dia mendengarkan sambil menulis jawabanku. Setelah selesai dia kembali ke kamar entah untuk apa, kemudia keluar lagi dan memberi pertanyaan lain.

"pengelaman kerja nya apa ?"

"Programmer. Project manager"

"jadi programmer dari kapan ?"

"2008"

Setelah selesai menulis jawabanku dia kembali lagi ke kamar seperti tadi dan kemudian datang lagi dengan pertanyaan lain.

"Gimana rasanya jadi programmer ?"

"Pusing."

"terus ?"

"Hmm apalagi ya ...pusing."

"har ituh, masa pusing aja ?"

Duh, ada - ada aja sih pertanyaan nya. Setelah masuk lagi ke kamar, dia pun bertanya lagi.

"Motivasi nya apa jadi programmer ?"

Hmh ?? kok makin susah aja sih pertanyaan nya. Bikin mikir.

"Hmh ? motivasi apa yah ???"

"ya motivasi nya kenapa jadi programmer"

"Motivasinyaaaaa ..... cari duit!"

"ih, masa cari duit doang ???"

Duh, nanti kalau sudah dewasa kamu akan mengerti, nak.

"Motivasi nya ... jadi programmer kan susah. Jadi harus pinter. Jadi kalau mau programmer harus pinter dulu. Kalo udah pinter gampang cari duitnya. Aduh udah ngarang aja sih jawaban nya, bebas."

Apalah ini jawaban nya tidak nyambung. Setelah jawaban itu dia pun kembali ke kamar dan nggak keluar - keluar lagi. Mungkin dia kapok dengan jawabaku yang kurang bekerja sama haha. Habis aneh - aneh aja. Kayaknya dulu kalaupun aku dapat tugas seperti itu ya bikin sendiri aja jawabannya. Gurunya juga nggak bakal tau kan itu wawancara asli atau bukan hihi.

Hey, Selamat bertemu lagi

Setelah hampir setahun tak bertemu, dia kembali lagi. Dia yang selalu datang setiap hari selama sebulan dalam setiap tahun nya. Ada waktu tertentu yang dipilihnya. Biasanya beberapa jam sebelum makan siang, dan kemudian pergi sesaat setelah kami makan siang bersama. Terkadang dia memilih untuk datang di sore hari sehingga dia bisa tinggal lebih lama.

Kedatangan nya sangat mudah dikenali. Sentuhannya yang khas seringkali memaksa leherku hingga sakit untuk menoleh ke arahnya. Jika dia sedikit galak, sentuhan nya seakan menusuk – nusuk kepala kiri ku bak boneka vodoo. Bila itu belum memuaskan nya juga, sentuhan nya menyebar ke mataku yang membuatnya sangat berat untuk tetap kubiarkan terbuka. 

Dia sangat pencemburu, memaksaku untuk meninggalkan semua yang sedang aku lakukan dan meluangkan waktu untuk memperhatikan nya atau dia akan marah dan memperkuat cengrakamannya di kepalaku. Biasanya ku ajak dia berbaring bersamaku sambil ku tutup tirai jendela atau ku matikan lampu kamar karena dia benci cahaya. Dengan sedikit ketenangan, dia pun akan pergi dengan tenang. Tapi di suatu saat dia datang di tengah malam, dia akan memaksaku terjaga hingga pagi tanpa peduli sekeras apa aku berteriak untuk memintanya pergi. Dia tidak akan membiarkanku tidur sendirian.   

Aku tidak pernah tahu apa yang dia mau dan apa yang bisa membuatnya pergi. Orang bilang dia datang karena alasan tertentu, sebagian lagi berkata dia datang hanya karena dia ingin datang. Yang jelas, aku tidak pernah memaksanya pergi karena dia pasti kembali. Jika ia ingin pergi, dia akan pergi dalam satu kedipan mata seolah tidak pernah ada yang terjadi.

Kemarin dia tidak datang.
Hari ini dia datang walau  sebentar.
Semoga besok dia lupa untuk datang.

Dan jangan pernah datang lagi .... Migraine.

Sucker at Sport

"If love was a sport, we're not on the same team
You and I are destined to lose"

Kalau kata Usher di lagu Separated nya sih gitu. Wait, I will not talk about love or broken heart, cuma entah kenapa setiap denger lagu itu memang bait itu yang paling kena. Yes, because if love really was a sport, I would definitely lose all the game since I hate sport. 

Orang - orang yang dulu pernah satu sekolah atau bahkan satu kantor pasti tahu kalau aku paling anti olah raga. For me, olah raga itu bikin capek dan menyiksa. Bukan cuma sepak bola loh ( paling sebel aja kalau ada yang judgemental begitu tahu aku nggak suka sepak bola. Hari gini ibu - ibu juga main sepak bola kali, so it has nothing to do with gender ) tapi semua olah raga, kecuali renang sih. Tapi itu semua bukan tanpa sebab. There's a story behind it.

Rasa gak suka terhadap olah raga itu berawal dari kejadian di sekolah dasar dulu. Hari itu merupakan hari pertama pelajaran olah raga ku di sekolah dasar. Bisa dibilang, that's my first sport session in my life (karena kalau nggak salah di TK itu ga ada olah raga kecuali gerak jalan atau gerak-gerak badan dikit). Nah, seperti anak - anak lain, aku juga sangat excited saat itu. Setelah warming up dan beberapa exercise kok rasanya capek banget ya, dan panas pula. Wondering kenapa anak kelas 1 SD harus olah raga siang - siang. Keringat mulai bercucuran, nafas sudah terasa berat tapi pelajaran olah raga ini belum juga usai dan anak - anak lain masih terlihat semangat. Suara hitungan ibu guru pun mulai samar terdengar karena aku sibuk menahan badan yang lemas ini. Seiring dengan menggelapnya pandanganku, saat itu lah pertama kali nya aku tahu yang namanya ... pingsan. Kemudian teman - teman menggotongku ke kelas. Sejak saat itu, pelajaran pertama olah raga dan kali pertama aku pingsan, aku tidak suka yang namanya olah raga.

Selain hari dimana ada pelajaran olah raga, hari Senin adalah hari dimana aku selalu was-was karena di dua hari itu kemungkinan untuk pingsan / blackout lebih besar. Iya, selain waktu pelajaran olah raga, aku sering juga pingsan waktu upacara. I always believe there's something wrong with my body, either it's the blood pressure or the heart. Tapi untungnya waktu di STM posisi sebagai anggota pengurus OSIS bisa dimanfaatkan untuk menghindari acara olah raga atau upacara.

Dan sekarang aku mendapatkan pekerjaan yang bahkan tidak mengharuskanku untuk keluar dari rumah. Dengan supply makanan yang unlimited from my mom dan irresistible appetite. Kombinasi pekerjaan dan keduanya merupakan gerbang besar untuk .. obesitas. Makanya sejak hari pertama bekerja aku mendaftarkan diri ke gym terdekat untuk mengikuti training program bersama peronal trainer supaya karbohidrat makanan yang diserap sejak pagi bisa dibakar saat sore hari. Dan kalau tidak sempat ke gym biasanya ya cukup lari pagi.

Walaupun setengah mati harus mengangkat beban (setengah nya lagi dibantu PT hehe), well I'll do anything supaya nggak gemuk. Yang paling susah adalah mengontrol makanan yang selalu disupply ibu. Bahkan setelah tau anak nya ini pergi ke gym hampir setiap hari, beliau bilang "udah kurus kok, lagian laki - laki ini nggak apa-apa gendut juga". -___-

Self Re-invention

It's my second week staying in Bandung. Thank God that I didn't experience behavioral shock like what I experienced when I moved to Jakarta from Bandung five years ago. I thought that I'm gonna miss the hype of the big city and feeling grounded because I spend most of my time at home. Apparently, I really enjoy being in the neighborhood. Maybe it's because since the last two months I've been making adjustments towards my daily life so the transition isn't that hard.

I call this change as self re-invention. Yes, I feel like I've been losing myself. I miss the old me. Not the entire old me but the part of me who used to have a strong resilience, motivation, spirit, and inspiring to others. A part of me who could stand in front of freshmen and gave a pep talk about changing themselves into the better ones. When giving advise doesn't sound like preaching bullshits because I walk the talk. It doesn't sound like me huh ? especially those who have just known me in the last 2 years. Yes, I used to be that man. It's not that like I'm bragging myself, but yes, that's something to brag about hehe. So, I try to re-invent that strength. I try to re-connect to the things that can remind me of him. It's not that I let my surrounding define me. But it's undeniable that your surrounding also supports the formation of identity. So, I decided to start from being this small town boy instead of being an arrogant sophomore in a big city.

Tomorrow is my first day being a digital producer for this foreign IT consulting company. Just as like another first day, it gets on some nerves. But this time, it doesn't include reluctance going to a new place and throwing myself to the pool of strangers. But the challenge is, I have to do everything on my own since I have no co-workers. Well, I do but they don't exist physically.

For every beginning is difficult, I hope tomorrow won't be easier that I thought and I hope this self re-invention would work for me.

August 2008 - August 2013

It was 22 degree of Celsius when I woke up at 4 AM. I usually wake up at that time to turn off the air-con since I set it up on 16 degree before I go to bed and it makes me freeze in the morning. But that time I didn't wake up to turn off the air-con, I woke up because I had to pack my stuffs up. I was leaving the city. I took the first train in early morning so the traffic wouldn't hamper me and makes me annoyed by the city in my last moments of being here. 

I never thought that I would love this city. The city that is always being mocked by people who don't even have a gut to leave it. Just like me, it takes me a thousand times of thinking and two months of contemplation to finally decide to leave the city and back to my hometown.

This is where I grew up. The place where I built my dream that I don't even know if it actually exists or not. The journey was started on August 31, 2008 where I brought my parents here to attend my scholarship award at Balai Kartini. Ever since then so many experience came. The nervous freshman, Sophomore debater, competition, Private math teacher, Final project jockey, Debate adjudicator, Debate deputy chief adjudicator, Freelance programmer, Final project jockey, Graduation, until my first job in Jakarta as associate project manager Not to mention the experience of being ex-future-leader-to-be.

Evening view from Niaga tower. Taken after maghrib prayer on the last day of OJT Commercial Banking

Having a call with onsite team at workstation when I was an APM

Ex-future-leader-to-be hehe. I miss the suit and tie though.

the pool where I used to swim during my hiatus

All stories about achievement, struggle, chances, changes, challenges, affection, betrayal, failure, successful. I might have made so many wrong decisions in between. But it's not the time for regretting or looking back. It's the time to recharge and bounce back. People may look down on my decision. But I take whatever it takes. 

At 6 AM, when the city was still blue waiting to be touched by the sun's ray, my train was taking me to the east with full of hope. I didn't leave the city in desperation. After all of good opportunities that I toss, I still left for a greater one . Then which of the Blessings of my Lord will I deny?    

My Manager

This is how things happen in my office every day. I will come to the office late around 9.10 while my boss is already in the office since 7AM. It's because he has to drop his daughter to school and go to the office right away. So, he better not complain about my lateness since no one ask him to come that early. Besides, most people in my office arrive at 10.

The next thing that I do is moisturizing my hands since my palm hands are getting dry lately. My boss doesn't complain about me who moisturizes my palm like every 2 hours. Then I'll check my phone and still keep my earphones on until my favorite morning radio show is over.

Finally, even though I reluctantly to do it, I check my email inbox. Yes, there must have been several mails from my boss that contain the same words in each top of the messages. It says "Fajar, Please help". This is the part that I don't really understand, he always craves for help but he never says what I'm supposed to help. Yes, sometimes he includes forwarded emails related to it (most of the emails is from his boss and my boss throws it to me) but it's not enough to describe what help that I have to provide.

I really want to ignore all emails that contain "please help". It makes me feel like fairy or santa that can he call when he doesn't want to do his job. But those are my tasks, so I usually ask back to him "Sir, what do you mean with the email ? what do you want me to do ? what's the issue ?" and you know what is his answer ? "hmmm ... well, I don't know either".

YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME. I am so annoyed when that happens. What does he think I am ? Clairvoyant ? How can I get the task done when I don't even know what is the task. Here's the thing about being a manager that he doesn't have. Being manager is not only throwing all the task to your subordinate but also a solution center.

Another annoying thing, when he meets me with client or includes me in email discussion and says "Fajar, you will lead this project ya. please handle the meeting." without giving me a brief before or even telling me what's the name of the project. Then I'm gonna be a fool who attends a meeting that I don't even know what it is about.

I can't stand work with him.

Gen Y Freshman

Every morning is a mental torture. I see a clock that shows 8am and I'm mad. Why didn't I get up early so I can roll out the bed before going to office. Why Should I wake up this early and going to that crack house called office.

Every day is a train wreck. I arrived late at office and my boss is already there. I check my phone plug my earphone. Check my phone again and do that like every five minutes. I reluctantly do my task or simply neglect it because I don't respect my boss and don't wanna work there if it's not because I need it.

Every evening is a liberation. I feel like a prisoner released from a jail when I step out that building and take a bus to my friend's place. It feels free and happy 'till I reach home and burn out then realize that I only have less than 12 hours before I have to go back to that crack place.

Imagine that it occurs everyday. There should be no doubt in leaving that place and find a better one.

It's one word to be a growing up gen Y. 

You graduated and you think you're a star. You think you can get a job and make big money and be a manager in your freshman period. You can't handle living out of the spotlight. You don't wanna do a butcher work and expecting to get an important mission in your first day working. You hate formality. You expect everyone is casual and cool. You want everything simple. You don't wanna get your ass off to go to other's cubicle because you love Instant messenger and email more.

Well, it's not you. It's me.

Turbulence

A friend texted me telling that one of our high-school friend that went to the same club with us got married. He said "and he didn't invite me. I thought we were best friend". It's not the first time he said that. Several times ago when our friends also got married and didn't even tell us, we said the same thing. But I think we have to admit that people grow apart. For some people we're history.

This morning, one of that friends posted a photo of a baby on Facebook. Apparently his son just born this week. We just got to say congratulation and he just got to say thanks. Cold truth. Yes.

Anyway, while my friends are happily going to the next stage of adult life, posting about their beloved job and start up business, I'm here sitting with my twenty something syndrome which I guess too late. Trying to re-invent myself. The job that I really want. Coping with probation period while moving from one company to another one. I know that I'm too young to settle down, but a grown up man should have a grip to lean on right. 

My new job makes bigger money, gives me two shots of job description that I've always wanted. But my alter ego is always thirsty of spotlight and acknowledgement which is not provided in probation period. I'm in transition period with no permanent job and living. 

But this transition period reminds me of the things that I used to dismissed, responsibility that I used to neglected, bless that I used to wasted.

Maybe this turbulence and transition period is a stone to make the bird that's too proud of flying too high getting down to earth again. 

Kumpul Bocah

Setiap gue pulang ke rumah di awal bulan, selalu ada perubahan drastis yang terjadi pada keponakan -keponakan gue. Ada tiga keponakan cowo yang tinggal di rumah gue. Yang pertama sudah kelas 1 SMP, yang kedua kelas 5 SD, yang paling kecil belum sekolah. Mungkin umurnya 5 tahun.

Semakin besar anak - anak itu semakin sopan sama gue. Dulu waktu kecil mereka masih tengil - tengil dan suka isengin gue kalau gue ada di rumah. Biasanya kalau sudah keterlaluan ya gue siksa mereka, diiket, atau dilempar ke kasur. Tapi mungkin karena sudah sekolah dan belajar PPKN sekarang mereka jadi sopan ke gue. Setiap berangkat dan pulang sekolah mereka salaman sama gue.

Yang lucu itu yang paling kecil. Dia kalau ngomong lambat banget dan belum jelas. Tapi dua minggu yang lalu  ketika gue pulang, bicara nya sudah lancar dan jelas tapi muka nya masih mungil dan lucu. Kalau yang kecil ini karena masih terlalu kecil kadang masih tengil sih. Tapi kalau udah mulai nyebelin ya tinggal gue lempar aja ke kasur. 

Gue suka seneng mendengar percakapan bokap gue dan cucu - cucu nya. Bokap gue itu kakek yang resourceful karena suka memberikan informasi - informasi dan mengajarkan pengetahuan bermanfaat untuk keponakan gue di saat ayah mereka tidak mampu melakukan nya (loh?). Yang lucu adalah mendengar percakapan antara keponakan gue yang paling kecil dengan kakek nya. Anak kecil ternyata memang suka bawel dan bertanya hal - hal random yah. Contohnya tadi siang ketika kami sekeluarga menjenguk kakak ipar gue yang sedang dirawat di rumah sakit. Kira - kira percakapan mereka seperti ini ..

bocah : kek kek ... gedung yang tertinggi lantai nya ada berapa sih ?

bokap : tiga puluh !

bocah : kalo yang lebih besar lagi ?

bokap : lima puluh !

bocah : kek, kalo di bulan udaranya jelek ya ?

bocah : iya ...

Gue cuma memperhatikan mereka dari sofa di sudut ruangan dan membayangkan yang lagi bertanya random itu anak gue nanti. Atau membayangkan kalau percakapan itu terjadi antara gue dan anak gue nanti. Mungkin percakapan nya akan seperti ini..

bocah : pap pap .. gedung yang tertinggi lantai nya ada berapa sih ?

gue : beda - beda. tergantung gedung nya yang mana. Tapi kalo gedung tertinggi di dunia itu gedung ...(mikir dulu) tapi ga tau lantai nya ada berapa. kenapa emang ?

bocah : kalo di bulan udaranya jelek ya ?

gue : kata siapa ? di bulan mah ga ada udara meureun.

Coba bocah sebesar itu bisa tiba - tiba muncul tanpa harus didahului dan diikuti segala liabilities lain nya (exahusting commitment, asimilasi dua keluarga). Dan terus menjadi lucu segede gitu tanpa harus tumbuh ke fase remaja yang menyebalkan (emang nya bonsai) atau lompat langsung ke fase growing up supaya bisa memberikan kontribusi balik. (ok, ini lagi membesarkan anak atau membuat komoditi)

Kiss Ass

"Sekarang, coba kamu bilang, apa yang bisa saya bantu ? yang bisa B bantu ? supaya kepala kamu kosong dan ga tegang ?" Kata Pak T seorang banking head di direktorat corporate banking ketika aku mendatangi ruangan nya di pagi hari sebelum ujian debrief corporate banking. Saat itu aku dan temanku Banon dipanggil oleh beliau untuk tes lisan. Tapi karena aku sedang menunggu jadwal ujian, tes tersebut dibatalkan dan beliau malah memberikan pep talk kepadaku.

"Saya ... nggak butuh apa-apa. Yang bisa bantu cuma diri saya sendiri. Oh, paling yang saya perlu, interview session ini cepat berakhir supaya saya bisa persiapan presentasi debrief"  Jawabku dengan suara yang dingin dan pikiran yang sedari tadi tidak berada di ruangan itu.

Wajah temanku B agak kaget ketika mendengar jawabanku itu, entah bagaimana dengan Pak T, mungkin dia pun sebenarnya kaget tapi dia bisa memaklumi. Memang setelah dipikir - pikir koq jawaban itu agak arogan dan tidak sopan ya. Tapi Pak T tetap melanjutkan pep talk nya walaupun kepalaku sudah tidak bisa menerima informasi lagi karena sibuk memikirkan presentasi after lunch nanti. 

"Menurut kamu, kamu bisa atau nggak ?" Pertanyaan lain dari beliau ketika menanyakan kesiapanku menghadapi ujian ketiga yang juga merupakan presentasi debrief yang kedua.

"Saya sih, sudah siap ya. Tapi kan itu semua balik lagi ke debriefer nya. Mereka semua yang pegang kendali."

Semua jawaban terkesan pesimis. Actually I'm an optimist person, tapi entah kenapa belakangan ini jawaban yang aku berikan selalu terdengar pesimis. I've seen it coming, but I didn't do anything to prevent it. Presentasi debrief corporate berjalan lancar. Hampir semua pertanyaan bisa aku jawab. I don't have any problems with the presentation skill, it's as great as usual. And I bet if the assessors have to present the material like me, they won't be as fluent as me.

Tapi, tebak feedback yang diberikan oleh assessor yang dissenting ? "you have improve your presentation skill" oh, go fuck yourself sir!

Hasil debrief memang selalu unpredictable. Nggak semua orang baik dan mau mempermudah urusan orang lain seperti pak T tadi. Some people work longer, but it doesn't make them wiser. It makes them an asshole instead.

The good thing of not being in the program anymore is I don't have to meet those asshole again and I don't need to kiss their ass just to get a higher score.

Worst weekend

This is worst weekend ever. 

It was started by having my laptop charger left at the office on Thursday, but I just realized it like on Friday night which is impossible for me to go there and take it back. So I should spend my weekend laying on my bed. (why didn't you go out ?) Yes. Why didn't I go out, I'm on budget. These are the last days of the month and I'm a terrible financial planner, remember ? So I should really stay at my room this weekend.

Apparently, no laptop doesn't mean the end of the world. Thanks to Android and WiFi. I can still have plenty of access to entertainment. I watched videos on Youtube from AM to PM. People say that we'll get more creative in urgent situation. My cellphone seems more useful than just a social hub when my laptop is not functioning.

Today, I have a plan to meet my friends at Pluit. I reluctantly get off my ass of my bed though, but I guess going to Pluit for a lunch won't kill. Yeah, won't kill ... until I feel my back aching, sweating a lot and realized that it's been an hour I've been standing in the shelter and not even a bus showed up. Queue is getting longer. Even though the bus will come, it might be at the end of the day and it will be so full. I texted my friend to cancel my appointment. I can't believe that I canceled this lunch appointment just because this fucking Transjakarta bus. (why didn't you take a cab ?) Yeah .. why didn't I take a cab ? you better read the first paragraph before I explode. 

Then I decided to go back home and surfing the internet, post this fucking story to my blog and watch some tv ser .... wait ... my laptop is not functioning. I can't watch tv series and I don't feel comfortable making my post through this old Android phone. 

So ... here I am ... posting my blog from this warnet that plays Meggy Z song on the loop. Damnit!!!!

Where am I ? 2002 ?

Solitary moment ?

Cuaca yang gloomy di sabtu sore di Bandung adalah scene yang Bandung banget, kecuali bagian ketika aku harus naik motor ke tempat ini hujan – hujanan sampai sepatu dan kaos kaki ku ini basah. This is what I don’t like in Bandung, people don’t simply use a cab to go anywhere. Anyway, dua puluh menit kemudian seorang teman datang dengan mengenakan baju ungu.

“ih, samaan, baju nya.” Katanya ketika aku membuka sweater ku dan melihat kaos ungu yang kupakai.

This is one of my strong point, seringkali memakai pakaian yang match dengan orang lain ketika pergi bareng walaupun sebelumnya nggak janjian dulu. Good instinct.

Menu favorit ku di cafe ini adalah lasagna nya dan walaupun minuman utama di tempat ini adalah kopi, aku jarang memesan kopi. Kali ini aku memesan Afogatto dan chicken wings. I don’t feel like eating pasta and I just love chicken. I eat it almost everyday. While Afogatto, never tried it before but it’s someone’s favorit. Since I can’t be with the person tonight, at least I can be with the favorit drink. Pathetic ?  yes, I know.

Kafe ini membuka tempat baru di lantai atasnya yang lebih besar. Lebih banyak sofa – sofa nyaman, tata cahaya nya redup dengan foto – foto legendary people di salah satu sisi dinding nya. Kami memilih tempat duduk di dekat jendela. Lagu Jason Mraz – butterfly dimainkan ketika aku sibuk mentransfer file – file film series dari laptop ku ke laptop teman ku. It’s a good place, good weather, good song and you are supposed to be with your partner not with your friend trading tv series file because your partner ask a time to be alone.

I don’t understand why people ask to be alone while they’re having a partner. Well, I actually understand. It’s a soft break up.

It might sound like “I wanna be alone right now, getting rid off my problem and I don’t wanna bother you with my problem. So let me handle this alone and I’ll be back to you when I’m done.”

But In fact, it says “I wanna be alone right now, or forever. I wanna break up with you actually. I just haven’t found a right way to say that and I don’t think that you’re ready for it.”

Chicken wings yang sudah berubah menjadi tulang – tulang ayam yang berserakan di piring. Ice cream di afogatto ku sudah mencair dan yang tersisa hanya kopi pahit yang tidak enak. Seperti artificial commitment ini, there’s nothing more that I can enjoy except the scattered promise and bitter response to each other.

When the time comes, I start to stop fishing.

 So, you ask me for some time to be alone ? you know what ? I’ll give you forever.

  

Weekend

This is how weekend supposed to be. You wake up late, you don’t take a bath, you stick on a bed till death do you apart.  In total, I watched 5 titles thriller series and sitcoms today. It feels so delightful, enlightening.

No, I was kidding. This isn’t how weekend supposed to be ... when you have a partner. You should spend the whole two days with them. Don’t exclude sticking-on-a-bed from the list though. That’s gonna be fun especially if it’s your partner’s birthday. You could give them a small surprise in the day transition.

Well, that won’t happen if your partner doesn’t reply any of your messages or answer any of your calls. Then you start questioning, what kind of partner that doesn’t make any contacts for two days ? are you really a partner ? or you just another disposable kleenex that can be flushed when it is not needed.

Then here we come to the dialog of episode 13 of The Mindy Project that feels like a slap in a face. Such a ringing bell to the old story.

Mindy : Brendan, I don’t understand this, okay ? I was at your place last night and we were ... doing it. And then today, I find you in the movie theater making out with some random girl. Brendan, how can you be intimate with so many different people ?

Brendan : You’re confusing intimacy with sex.

Mindy : What is more intimate than having sex with somebody ?

Brendan : Couples meditation, group Reiki, a great hike at sunset.

Mindy : oh, that’s gross, and it’s lame.

Brendan : Listen to me, Mindy. I am sorry if I have done something to upset you, okay ? And I am sorry if I’ve done anything to make you think that I am your boyfriend, but I am not.

Poor Mindy, been there done that. There must be no feeling but the urge to throw a grenade at him. Anyway, back to the partner stuff. After losing contact for almost three days and having thought that your partner might abducted by a serial killer, robbed, or has a heart attack, they suddenly text you and saying that they have that situation in need for some money to pay the tax due to miscalculation on their mortgage application.

That’s lame. You got dumped because of that stupid mortgage marketing who miscalculated that tax stuff. Please someone explain to me that is the correlation between tax and not-replying-my-text.

I think I'm Lucky

Jam setengah sembilan malam. Bus jelek, panas, penuh dan bau ini belum juga mencapai tujuan akhir terminal Grogol dari Karawaci. Begitu sampai di terminal nanti, genap sudah lima jam aku habiskan di perjalanan sejak pagi tadi berangkat dari Grogol ke Karawaci, Karawaci ke Bintaro, Bintaro ke Karawaci lagi lalu dari Karawaci kembali ke Grogol. Maklum lah, anak MT belum mendapatkan fasilitas mobil operasional yang bisa dipakai untuk antar jemput. Kalaupun mau, harus menumpang mobil reguler yang jadwal nya terbatas dan berebutan dengan pegawai lain.

Animasi dan cahaya lampu dari giant screen yang ada di tembok Mall Taman Anggrek selalu memberikan sedikit hiburan di tengah perjalanan ini. You know what, after the whole traffic jam thing, this artwork is quite entertaining. Dan sekarang animasi itu menampilkan tulisan "I Love JKT", semacam selftalk untuk para pengguna jalan raya yang sedang mengeluhkan kemacetan.

I think I'm lucky joining this program. Walaupun sering mengeluh tentang melelahkan nya program ini, tapi banyak sekali ilmu yang sudah didapat dari sini. Ini seperti tour ke bisnis perbankan secara menyeluruh. Mulai dari customer service dan teller di cabang, proses transfer yang ternyata membutuhkan proses yang rumit di operation, proses pengajuan dan seleksi kredit kepemilikan rumah dan mobil, sampai ke konsep perbankan syariah.

Kalau aku tidak mengikuti program ini mungkin aku tidak akan tahu kalau bisnis perbankan bukan cuma soal transaksi menabung, tarik tunai, dan transfer uang di cabang. Tidak pernah tahu kalau nasabah bank bukan hanya perorangan tetapi juga korporasi dan institusi keuangan. Tidak pernah tahu kalau beberapa bank bisa bekerja sama dalam memberikan satu kredit untuk satu nasabah. Mengenai forex, bonds, saham. Tidak pernah tahu kalau bank bisa menjadi penjamin transaksi antara eksportir dan importir, bahwa bank bisa memberikan garansi  terhadap suatu tender project.

Di antara banyaknya keluhan yang sudah terlontar secara sengaja maupun tidak sengaja, ternyata banyak sekali ilmu yang didapat dalam lima bulan terakhir ini.  Dan apapun hasilnya nanti, there should be nothing to lose and I might have to stop whining.

Pep Talk

The third written test is coming. It's only one more day to D-day and I haven't even finished reading a half of the matterials. I'm losing my mind to read these hundreds of pages. I know, I know, I should've started reading it since a month ago but hey, who doesn't procrastinate ?

It's like having to face life and death matter every month. I never know whether I'm still here doing this stuff or not next month. The uncertainty kills me. I might lose a job next month, I might still have a chance to extend my life next month. It hampers my plan/ Every time I make a plan then I realize that might not run well since I don't know I still have this job next month or not. Insecurity, financially or pshycologically always haunt me every night. Okay, it's getting too dramatic.

My father knows my restlessness and said 

"Do you remember when you were a first grader ? there's a test where you have to color a drawing. The time was running out and every one started collecting their work while you had just colored a half of it. Everyone was leaving the room, there's only you left in the room. The students from the next session were coming and took their seats but you still work on it. The time's up. I asked you to collect your work but you insisted to finish it. Your teacher shouted on you but you didn't give up until you finally finished your work. You never give up. You always try your best till the last drop. Now, you're almost reach a half of this program. You might have lost your first chance, but you will not give your last chance up rite ? You know you can. You can do it. You can make it till the final round of this game. Don't give up"

Then I feel enlightened. Yes, I'm not giving it up. I should make it through the final.

________________________________________________________

Well .... that's what happens on my imagination which doesn't happen in the real life. I never had that pep talk with my father. I just watch from some movies when a father gives their son a pep talk, they will start with "do you remember ..." and they flashback to the childhood memories. I never had that.

Well, the exam about coloring the drawing is true. Do you know what happened at that time ? The time was running out, everyone started collecting their drawing but me. I was alone in the room. I kept working on the drawing but my father insisted me to collect the work. I kept drawing and my father asked me to leave it undone. Then I cried. My father took my drawing and gave it to my teacher. He said ...

"Sorry, I guess my son couldn't do it anymore. I hope it's okay"

That's what really happened.

When I was in a second year of college I was going to my first international debate competition. The college only subsidized the expense partially so I have to afford the rest on my own. I was looking for a way out how to find the money to cover it. I was almost desperate, I really wanted to go. So I called my parents wishing that they could show me the way out or at least support me morally. Then what they said after I told them my problem was ...

"Do you really have to go ? There so many national competitions or competitions which are held in Jakarta. Why don't you join the competition that doesn't require you to go abroad and spend much money"

See ? I never had that kinda pep talks. What I got was second guessing. What I got was a doubt.

So since I was kid, I make my own pep talk for my self since what my family do is bailing me from a challenge and drag me back to the comfort zone. While what I need is not a comfort zone, What I need is a support to reconstruct my faith.

Now, I really miss a family. Not only in a physical presence but in the essence of family itself. 

Well, It's not like I'm not grateful for having my family. I am. I really am. It makes me who I am now. It makes me find a way to support myself without relying on others. It makes me stronger to bounce back from the biggest problem even when others doubt me.

The way they doubt me, They way they bail me out from the problem and drag me back to the comfort zone is a form of their love. It gives me something so called reversed psychology which triggers me to prove that I am not that weak to be bailed out.

See ? I just did my specialty. Turing the disappointment into a thankfulness hehe..

Relationship Manager

21.45

Masih dua jam sebelum film dimulai. Sementara temanku langsung menyambar komik favorit nya, aku terus menyusuri rak - rak buku ke bagian belakang Gramedia Grand Indonesia dan akhirnya berhenti di bagian business / investment. Aku mengambil buku - buku tentang forex dan trading saham. Topik ini sedang menarik belakangan, sepertinya bisa dijadikan alternatif untuk mencari penghasilan tambahan. Empat tahun yang lalu aku pernah membeli buku yang sama. But I was blunt, sama sekali nggak ngerti apa yang dibaca waktu itu. Tapi sekarang sudah lumayan mengerti jadi sedikit lebih menarik.

Buku - buku itu aku simpan kembali. Lalu aku mengambil buku - buku lain dengan topik ... guess what ? sales or marketing. Who on earth wants to be a sales or marketing coba ? Di kelas aja kalau tutor bertanya "Siapa yang mau jadi marketing ?", I won't be the one who raises his hand. Yeah, I can say that, but deep inside my heart I wanna be a relationship manager. Catat ya, a relationship manager for corporate banking or commercial banking or private banking, not a consumer banking marketing. I want to broaden my network with important people from key positions in a big companies or a very rich person. Dan salah satu jalan nya adalah dengan jadi relationship manager.

Okay, this management associate program has really brainwashed me. For the first time selama 4 bulan ini, I said to myself that I wanna be here. I wanna work here, as a banker. Sebelumnya masih sering berpikir untuk kembali ke IT, and bank is not a place where I belong. Tapi kemarin ketika teman ku bertanya ...

"Jar, lo mau nggak masuk project di alternate channel ? mereka lagi cari orang untuk project tandem, dan mereka mau nya dari management associate"

Alternate channel itu bagian yang mengurusi segala sesuatu yang berhubungan dengan branchless banking seperti internet banking, mobile banking, etc.

'Emang anak lain nggak ada yang mau ?'

"Tadi gue udah tawarin Ridho tapi dia nggak tertarik. Gue udah tawarin juga ke yang lain, tapi waktu tau requirement nya, mereke prefer yang background nya IT, inisiatif tinggi, dan nggak nangis kalo dimarahin. Soalnya bos nya galak. Terus gue langsung kepikiran lo"  

'Hahaha ... kalo dimarahin bos sih udah biasa.'

"yaudah mau nggak ? kalo mau, gue masukin nama lo biar dia bisa bidding lo dari sekarang" 

Sebetulnya, alternate channel itu salah satu bagian yang ingin aku masuki karena masih berhubungan dengan IT. Tapi entah kenapa waktu menerima tawaran itu agak sedikit ragu. Alternate channel is interesting but as I said before, I wanna be a relationship manager. But I'm not the type who rejects chances. I said yes for it. I guess, the one that I really need now is exposure.

Anyway, I still suit up on this Saturday nite sementara orang - orang memakai weekend outfit nya. Ini gara - gara tadi pagi dapat emergency call dari temanku yang minta ditemani ke resepsi pernikahan teman nya. Pernikahan nya adat minang, and guess what ? setiap kali datang ke resepsi pernikahan yang lumayan bagus, I always imagine what my wedding reception would be. Dan my wedding fantasy adalah, aku mau prosesi nya nanti ada adegan seperti pengantin nya berjalan menuju altar melewati aisle dan disaksikan para undangan. I know, it will be hard to ensure my family to do this since I use word 'altar'  which is familiar in christian wedding while i'm a moslem. But hey, pokoknya itu harus terlaksana. Dan suasana nya kalau bisa seperti garden party. Remember Bella and Edward's wedding on Breaking Dawn part 1 ? okay, it might sound cheesy but I want the setting like that. 

And all that imagination will lead me to the main question ... whom I'm gonna married with ?

"Lo cari cewe deh, beneran" , kata temanku tiba - tiba ketika kami sedang dinner sambil menunggu studio dibuka.

Bingo! you pick the statement of the day.

Yeah, I know I should find one.

But not now, probably.

24 - Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to myself.
You're 24 now. Old ? well, yes you're getting older. But don't worry, take it slow. It's still a year to quarter life fear.

Just focus to your management trainee program.
Well, don't have anything to say but happy birthday.

Exclusive

“are we ... exclusive ?”

Kamu masih asik memainkan jari - jari di atas tombol – tombol kecil smartphone berwarna putih itu  sementara aku sejak tadi berusaha mencari kalimat yang tepat,yang tidak terlalu memaksa, tidak terdengar desperate, tapi menghasilkan jawaban yang diinginkan.  

“Hmmmh ... males deh kalo udah bahas yang kayak gini”

Entah jawaban dari kamu atau blackberry menyebalkan yang sejak tadi menyita perhatianmu itu yang membuatku patah semangat untuk meneruskan pembicaraan ini.  Dialog ini pun akan menjadi mirip dengan cerita Tom dan Summer di 500 Days of Summer. Kalaupun memang harus berkahir sama, at least aku harus menyelesaikan nya saat ini juga agar tidak terus terjebak di permainan peran tanpa nama ini.

“Maksudnya ?”

“Ya ngomongin relationship.” Masih sambil memainkan Blackberry-mu.

“Kenapa ?”

“Because we tend to hurt or get hurt in relationship”

“But you already did ...”

Iya. Di malam waktu kamu menolak aku ajak makan malam karena harus menemani saudara mu yang datang dari luar kota. Lalu pada saat kamu menerima telepon mesra dari teman baru mu di depanku beberapa minggu lalu. Dan di setiap pesan ku yang tidak terbalas karena kamu sedang sibuk membalas pesan – pesan dari nya, seperti saat ini.

“Makanya ... kamu anggap nya kita kayak teman biasa aja. Jadi nggak bakal sakit hati kan kalo ada apa – apa ... ” Kali ini kamu mulai menaruh Blackberry-mu, duduk dan bersandar di bahuku.

“Teman ? Friends don’t hug each other, don’t kiss each other”

Kamu bergeser menjauh dan aku membuka Winamp di laptop kemudian memilih Fallin’ dari Alicia Keys untuk menyamarkan suara detak jantung yang berdetak kencang karena kesal. Tanpa disamarkan pun kamu tidak peduli seberapa kesalnya aku.

“kamu ingat waktu pertama kita ketemu ? you said that eight letters, three words. Dan hari – hari setelah itu,  all the sweet words you said, all the nights we’ve spent together. Itu apa ?”

Aku masih belum puas berdebat mengenai perbedaan definisi yang kita punya tentang teman. Mungkin kamu mengucapkan tiga kata itu ke semua temanmu. Lalu kalian berpelukan, berciuman, dan menghabiskan malam dan pagi bersama.

“Maaf ya ... waktu itu aku cuma mau meyakinkan diri sendiri aja ”

‘Maaf’ dan ‘Cuma’ seringkali bukan pasangan kata yang tepat untuk berada di sebuah kalimat. Dan kalimat yang baru saja kamu ucapkan bukan kalimat yang tepat yang ingin aku dengar.

“Meyakinkan apa ?”

“ya ... do I really wanna be in a relationship or not”

Tidak usah diteruskan. Aku sudah tahu jawaban nya. You tried to make it works and apparently we’re just good to be friends. Yeah, yeah ... it’s about me who expected too much. But hey, who will not expect that much when someone says they love you ?

“Terus sekarang ?” dan aku masih penasaran untuk mendengar jawaban nya dari mulutmu sendiri.

“Ya ternyata, setelah beberapa bulan sampai sekarang ini. I don’t feel something special. Maaf ya Satria.”

Seakan cerita itu belum cukup membuat hatiku meradang. Kamu lalu berterus terang bahwa saudara yang selama ini kamu ceritakan sebetulnya adalah teman dekatmu. Aku sudah tahu. Dan kamu pasti sudah sering memeluknya, mencium bibirnya, berbagi malam dan pagi dengan nya. Seperti yang kamu pernah lakukan dengan temanmu ini. Iya kan ?

Oh girl, you really made my night. You’re such a nice girl. But I can’t stand you’re being nice to everyone. I want someone exclusive and it’s not you.

Kamu pun meninggalkan kamar ku setelah permintaan maaf mu beberapa kali tidak aku gubris. Setelah kamu menutup pintu itu, aku tidak akan lagi menunggu mu pulang. Tidak akan lagi mengetuk pintu kamarmu ketika melihat lampu kamarmu sudah menyala. Tidak akan lagi ada ucapan selamat pagi, selamat makan siang, dan tutur manis merayumu.

Bye.