Pep Talk

The third written test is coming. It's only one more day to D-day and I haven't even finished reading a half of the matterials. I'm losing my mind to read these hundreds of pages. I know, I know, I should've started reading it since a month ago but hey, who doesn't procrastinate ?

It's like having to face life and death matter every month. I never know whether I'm still here doing this stuff or not next month. The uncertainty kills me. I might lose a job next month, I might still have a chance to extend my life next month. It hampers my plan/ Every time I make a plan then I realize that might not run well since I don't know I still have this job next month or not. Insecurity, financially or pshycologically always haunt me every night. Okay, it's getting too dramatic.

My father knows my restlessness and said 

"Do you remember when you were a first grader ? there's a test where you have to color a drawing. The time was running out and every one started collecting their work while you had just colored a half of it. Everyone was leaving the room, there's only you left in the room. The students from the next session were coming and took their seats but you still work on it. The time's up. I asked you to collect your work but you insisted to finish it. Your teacher shouted on you but you didn't give up until you finally finished your work. You never give up. You always try your best till the last drop. Now, you're almost reach a half of this program. You might have lost your first chance, but you will not give your last chance up rite ? You know you can. You can do it. You can make it till the final round of this game. Don't give up"

Then I feel enlightened. Yes, I'm not giving it up. I should make it through the final.

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Well .... that's what happens on my imagination which doesn't happen in the real life. I never had that pep talk with my father. I just watch from some movies when a father gives their son a pep talk, they will start with "do you remember ..." and they flashback to the childhood memories. I never had that.

Well, the exam about coloring the drawing is true. Do you know what happened at that time ? The time was running out, everyone started collecting their drawing but me. I was alone in the room. I kept working on the drawing but my father insisted me to collect the work. I kept drawing and my father asked me to leave it undone. Then I cried. My father took my drawing and gave it to my teacher. He said ...

"Sorry, I guess my son couldn't do it anymore. I hope it's okay"

That's what really happened.

When I was in a second year of college I was going to my first international debate competition. The college only subsidized the expense partially so I have to afford the rest on my own. I was looking for a way out how to find the money to cover it. I was almost desperate, I really wanted to go. So I called my parents wishing that they could show me the way out or at least support me morally. Then what they said after I told them my problem was ...

"Do you really have to go ? There so many national competitions or competitions which are held in Jakarta. Why don't you join the competition that doesn't require you to go abroad and spend much money"

See ? I never had that kinda pep talks. What I got was second guessing. What I got was a doubt.

So since I was kid, I make my own pep talk for my self since what my family do is bailing me from a challenge and drag me back to the comfort zone. While what I need is not a comfort zone, What I need is a support to reconstruct my faith.

Now, I really miss a family. Not only in a physical presence but in the essence of family itself. 

Well, It's not like I'm not grateful for having my family. I am. I really am. It makes me who I am now. It makes me find a way to support myself without relying on others. It makes me stronger to bounce back from the biggest problem even when others doubt me.

The way they doubt me, They way they bail me out from the problem and drag me back to the comfort zone is a form of their love. It gives me something so called reversed psychology which triggers me to prove that I am not that weak to be bailed out.

See ? I just did my specialty. Turing the disappointment into a thankfulness hehe..