Formula of letting go

I write this post not to preach or thinking that i'm a wise person who has flawless emotion management. But i only want to share what i've experienced and just in case i face the same problem so i will remember how to handle it by reading this post.

Everyone must have ever lost something or someone that  very precious in their life. Losing, is never easy although it happens over and over again. Most of the time it causes depression which is triggered by the complexity of our feeling as the effect of losing that thing. Sad, disappointed, angry, regret, we can't even define what kind of feeling it is. It just feels like we're at the bottom of everything.

Several days ago, that happened to me. I can still feel the effect of it until now. The pain gets strong in the morning when i wake up after having the dream about the missing one. Then it will distract me when i'm in a class and i can't even focus to my lecture. On my way to go home, delusional picture will remind me of memories which are associated to the missing one. When i'm about to sleep, unwanted contemplation and distracting thoughts keep bugging me so that i can't sleep. It keeps repeating along that period like a sorrow circle.

But then i think, that is pathetic. I'm tired. I gotta stop this. But how ?

I try not to push myself or pretending that i were strong or okay when i am actually not. What i do is giving myself time to down before i finally have to get up and live my life like i used to. If i feel sad, i pull myself to the saddest part. If i'm angry, i let myself explode until the boiling point. So after that, there's nothing left. There's no sadness left because i ever fall to the saddest part. No more anger because it has exploded. I feel relieved.

But it's not over yet. My feeling might have been stabilized, but it can still fluctuate if the mind intruder comes. So what i have to do is distracting myself so the mind intruder cannot infiltrate my mind with memories of the missing one and associated to sad, anger, or any negative feelings. Today, i keep myself occupied. I have a lot of things to do. So i keep working , working, and working in order to make my brain focus on something. I go to library for half a day just because i want to prevent myself for having too much spare time at room. The mind intruder might still comes but the frequency has decreased. Even though it comes in the end of the day, but i'm physically tired to think about that, i'd rather sleep.

I will keep repeating the-distraction-step until it works. After that, the effect has been eliminated and i'm getting used to mind intruder so it can't infiltrate me anymore. But wait, it hasn't finished yet. I feel stronger but i don't think i'm strong enough. Someday or sometime, i will face something that will really remind me of the missing one and drag me back to the sorrow circle. For example, fragrance. For me, fragrance is the best past reminder.

So what i will do is to make myself getting used to those things. In fragrance example, i can buy the perfume. Use it regularly so the memory that is related to the missing one will be blurred by my daily scenes.

When those three steps are completed. Then i'm ready to let it go and moving on. We have to remember that only us who can be responsible for our happiness and self worth. No one but us.

But we're not living in a perfect world. This formula may work, may not. But we'll never know if we never try.
One thing for sure ....

Time heals

Blue ...

Ada, temen gw, Putri namanya. Dia punya kost an yang menurut gw sangat nyaman. AC, kamar mandi dalem, kasurnya sangat empuk, banyak persediaan makanan. Yang jelas, betah banget kalo ke situ. Sering gw pura - pura ngerjain tugas padahal cuma pengen tidur di situ atau ngabisin makanan dia.

Dia itu suka banget sama warna biru. Di kamarnya banyak barang - barang warna biru. Waktu ke sana, iseng - iseng karena ga ada kerjaan jadi foto - foto deh sama boneka - boneka yang enak kalo ditidurin itu.

#eeaaaaaa masih malu malu takut ketawan tetangga 

sok - sok jutek, tetep jaim walau meluk boneka

 #bonekanyamaunyium, jangan di sini dong, malu

#galau edisi boneka, akhirnya menyadari bahwa semua itu adalah kekhilafan. Seorang anak lelaki tidak seharusnya bermain boneka. ckckck

Skip my class

I feel like want to skip my class again, again , and again. It has become an addiction. I'm not a lazy student, well i am, but i'm not the type who will be dropped out just because i exceed my absent limit. This semester i have no willingness to attend the classes. I don't know why .... maybe because the fact that all of my subjects are not related to my future job, because the lectures are not that interesting, or maybe it's just because of me. I feel bored. I don't have such things called motivator to trigger my spirit. hoooooh ... what should i do ?

Grenade

"easy come ... easy go .. that's just how you live oh take take it all but you never give "

Bunyi lirik pertama dari lagu Grenade yang aku putar melalui winamp saat mengakses blog ini. Lagu ini sangat pathetic , makanya aku selalu putar lagu ini setiap kali lagi merasa down atau ... disappointed. Gimana nggak, you'd jump in front of a train for someone tapi orangnya not even think about it. Maybe that's why kita harus berpikir dua kali sebelum mengambil keputusan untuk melakukan sesuatu atau memberikan sesuatu untuk orang lain. Jangan sampai ini malah bikin kita gondok dan ... pathetic.

"should've known you're a trouble from the first kiss had your eyes wide open "

Kadang ketika membuat keputusan i take things for granted. Menyepelekan hal - hal yang berpotensi jadi masalah dan dengan sombongnya berpikir bahwa aku bisa melewati itu semua. But in fact, things never get easier. No matter how strong we think we are. No matter how hard we try to get it over with. Pain is still pain, and it will leave a scar that takes time before it's fading. 


And after all it puts me through .... what do i say ?

"but i'll still catch a grenade for ya ... throw my hands on a blade for ya ... "

Pathetic ? yeah. But that's alright because i like the way it hurts.


So ... maybe i'm a masochist

Bad mood

I had a bad day yesterday.

I sat next to stinky and rude woman who can't stop scolding her daughter in train. When i arrived at the train station. it was stormy. I decided to take a cab and apparently traffic jam was everywhere. The billing got so high.

I entered my room and i realized there's a change. My whiteboard was sticked while it wasn't like that when i left  it. And one double tape was not in my room. INTRUDER !

There's  an assignment to do. I was looking for a paper where i write all material in it. But i couldn't find it.

Bad day.
And i woke up this morning with this hangover. Headache, back-ache. Finding out that there's no one to talk to and you can't even calm me down.

Bad day ... bad day ...

i can't be nice, i'm in a bad day

Monday

It's been a long time i don't write a post. I've been busy and i don't know what to say. Actually my life is in a normal condition now, well at least psychologically. Financially ? that's out of question. I've just wasted my money yesterday for a very unwise reason. Now it left me poor. But whatsoever, it doesn't really matter.

There's something that i wanna say. But i don't know how to say it in a good way, how to say it without raising a question, how to say it without causing misunderstanding. My blog has always been my bestest friend, best listener without judgement. So i'm just gonna say it. For you, the readers. Your job is not to wonder why, how, what , who. Your job is to read or to die. So if you wanna read it, just read it without leaving a bunch of questions afterward.

For the person. Here it is ...
It takes more than a risk to finally make the decision. I turned my life upside down to finally make it up.
I ... love you.
Although i know that this relationship has no future. That everyday each of us should be strong enough to know that we've gotta go.  It could be next year, it could be next month, it could be tomorrow, it could be tonight. But when the time comes,we should play fair and let it go.

But in a time between, i just wanna enjoy our quality time.
Just like preserved foods which have expiry date. We should enjoy it before the date comes.