Eid

From all of greeting message that i got, i was expecting your message. Then you sent me another forwarded message. I expected more personal apology from you. Because what we had is more than personal.

You didn't even reply my message back. I expected more sincere and deeper apology from a person who has put me through a hard time. A person who has shared life changing decision with me. But apparently it means nothing to you.

Are you happy now with your life? are you being who you chose to be? i hope so. Because at least that makes me feel that i'm worth giving up.

I have forgiven you since a long time ago. I never put blame on you anyway. The only thing that makes me mad is the way you treat me as if i'm contagious disease.

But i forgive you anyway. Forgiven is not forgotten. But recently i found that it is much easier not to have you around me.

So please get rid off me. If you're.not gonna make me feel better, just don't show up.

I might be crazy over you. But i won't let it drives me crazy.

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Menjelang lebaran

Dari 2 minggu yang lalu udah ngerencanain sama temen kalo pulang ke Bandung mau shopping. Sengaja banget selama liburan ini magang. Bukan untuk memenuhi SKS, bukan untuk menambah pengalaman melainkan semata - mata untuk mencari uang haha. Karena target Ramadhan tahun ini adalah mencapai kesejahteraan pra, selama, dan pasca lebaran.

Selain itu juga mau self-rewarding karena IP semester ini naik lagi. Dan gue selalu ingin ngasih reward sama diri gue sendiri sebagai motivasi. Sebagai reward atas perjuangan akademis dan non akademis selama 6 bulan ini untuk bertahan dari deraan badai kehidupan (bahasanya) , gue mengganti handphone dengan handphone android. Yee. Alhamdulillah yah sesuatu banget.

Dan beberapa hari yang lalu akhirnya tiba lah waktu gue untuk shopping. Guess what? melihat barang - barang yang bejibun itu gue malah jadi eneg dan ga minat belanja. Seriusan.

Lalu akhirnya gue beli bantu untuk nyokap dan bokap aja. Gue pengen banget ngasih sesuatu sama mereka. Tapi jadinya sampe sekarang gue belum beli baju padahal gue ga bawa baju dari jakarta ke bandung. Tapi nggak apa - apa. Lebih penting kan menyenangkan hati orang tua daripada beli baju buat impress orang lain dengan appearance kita.

Sesuatu banget ya. Hahaha

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What do scars do ?

Yesterday was my first time watching animated movie in cinema. I never watch animated movie in cinema because i'm not into animated movie and for me animated movie is not worthy to be seen in cinema. But i just accompanied a friend who came from another city, so i don't have any expectation from the movie. Just enjoy it as my first experience.

But i guess i was wrong. Apparently watching Kungfu Panda 2 in 3D is much more enjoyable than Final Destination or even Avatar 3D. But still, i'm not into animated movie so i didn't really focus on the story. I just enjoy the 3D effects. My friend kept laughing since the very beginning of the movie and so did with the rest of audience, while i kept silent. Well yes it's funny and the panda is cute but it didn't make me laugh out loud. 90 minutes felt like years when i was there. I got so sleepy and i can't help it. Once or twice i fell asleep but i tried to  keep my eyes open for i didn't wanna waste the money that i've spent for the ticket.

When it was coming to and end there were some scenes that i like. The dialog are inspiring. This is my favorite scene [the only scene which seemed funny to me]. When Po f: inally met Lord Shen and blew him off.

Lord Shen : how come you find your inner peace ? Your parents have died.
Po : Scars heal.
Lord Shen : No. They don't. Wounds heal.
Po : Oh, right. what do scars do ? fade ?
Lord Shen : i don't care what scars do !
[LOL]


And here's my favorite punch line.
Po : we must let go of stuff from the past because it just doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now.


Well yeah.
Today i've gotta  stick that words on my head when i was being unfollowed by you-know-who. Well, it doesn't really matter because it is a common thing when people follow or unfollow you. But logically, when i unfollow someone it means that i don't wanna see them again or i don't give a damn to them anymore. But then again, it doesn't matter. I just unfollowed back. Maybe this is how the thing should be. Maybe it is true that we better never see each other ever again.

Just like what Ben Donovan said to Serena Van Der Woodsen when he was trying to leave her for greater good.

Ben : it's easier to move on without past reminder


Then it is how the thing supposed to be. The only thing that matters is what i choose to be now.
Somehow i feel relieved.

I always suggest people to be themselves. To be whatever they want because there's nothing good in trying to be someone else. Recently i got a shocking fact about myself. The fact that i've been pretending to myself for the last 5 months. I've been in disguise. It is so irony to know that i've been lying to myself recently. I've been trying someone else, a man that i'm not used to be.

All i did is apparently just to grab an attention, just to look good. It's started from envying someone whom i admired. Knowing the fact that there's a tight line between me and him, i was just trying to like him. I don't know what's the purpose. Maybe i want to have the world he has. But then i realized, no matter hard i try to be like him. I will never be like that because we are totally different. And about the world in which he lives in, maybe it's not where i belong to.

In the end, i don't have to be someone else just to be accepted by sort of people. If they are destined not to be close to me. then they will never be.

Apa aja boleh

Apa ya , pengen nulis doang tapi ga tau mau nulis apa. Lagi dengerin lagu - lagu lama.
Avril Lavigne ..

why ... should i care .. 'coz you weren't there when i was scared. i was so alone ..




Dan ini ada lagu jadul banget, judulnya Boulevard. Dulu bokap sering banget nyetel lagu ini di rumah ...

never knew that it would go so far. when you left me on that boulevard. come again you will release my pain. and we could the lovers again.


Lagu ini nggak kalah jadul, tapi kalo yang ini seringnya diputer sama kakak gue dulu waktu kecil. Wah .. kangen masa - masa itu. waktu kita masih sekamar dan denger radio bareng. Belajar bareng. Maen bola di kasur [loh ?]. Judulnya fixing a broken heart.

you really know how to start fixing a broken heart. you really know what to do. 


Kalo ini lagu agak dugem gitu, Kylie minogue. Jaman gue SMP dan masih jadi anak nongkrong mtv

i just can't get you out of my head. boy your love is all i think about

To teach is to learn twice

"To teach is to learn twice" is a saying that i frequently hear from friends who are used to giving private tutorial. It is true because before we teach the other people, we have to prepare the material. Being a teacher or tutor means we have to know more about the material that we are going to teach. Thus, when we prepare the material  , we are actually learning for the second time.

Several days ago i got an offer from my friend to give her private English tutorial because she's going to Thailand next Month for student exchange. This is not my first tutorial. I've ever been a tutor both for class and private before. She said that she wanted to improve her writing skills. Honestly, i've never taught english specifically for writing  because my friend says that writing is a hard phase in English learning since it has a lot of rules apply. But i guess i can still handle it because my friend who offered me the job said that i just have to teach her non advance material so she can speak english for daily use and make proper writing.

First thing first i have to know the student's proficiency level. If she has no problem with basic grammar then i can directly continue to writing session. After having conversation with her, i can see that she still needs a lot of improvement in basic grammar. I mean, she does a lot of common fallacies either when she speaks or writes. To fix her basic grammar is my first lesson plan. On the first day, i gave her all basic grammar such as tenses and so forth. She wrote all i said and paid attention to me but when i gave her an exercise, she still did a common mistakes. So i thought that for the next day i will still give her grammar material. How can she make a good writing if her grammar is messy anyway. I know that my grammar is not that perfect either, but at least i can handle common mistakes.

On the next day, she seemed don't really want to learn about grammar. She said "i know this Jar" but when i tested her, she still did the mistakes. In the end of the session, she told me "Jar, i will go to Thailand. So i need something advance. not basic". Okay, i tried to figure out what my respond would be and i said "Yeah, but how can we move to the advance material if you haven't mastered the basic things ? Advance english is when someone can use english independently without doing basic mistakes. But you still need to fix the basic things." 


She whined "i want to speak like you Jar"

"and it takes me years to be able to speak like this, not four days" , i said.

She finally gave up to me and i asked her to do some exercise. I promised her if on the next meeting she has mastered all materials that i gave to her then we can continue to the higher level and start to be more specific in writing.

Thus, now i'm preparing for the material. I'm doing research about writing skills material and before i teach her tomorrow i should be able to master these materials. That explains " To teach is to learn twice".

Lonely lonely lonely ...

Seru deh punya temen yang pada bisa nyanyi dan main alat musik. Cover songs mereka kadang lumayan juga buat didenger, kadang bikin sirik juga jadi pengen bikin. Tapi gue ga bisa nyanyi dan main alat musik haha, yaudah penikmat aja.

Ini satu lagi temen gue, bikin cover version dari lagu Lonely nya 2NE1. Gue belum pernah denger versi asli nya, karena males korea pasti nggak ngerti. Pas denger versi dia nya yang dibikin duet, gue langsung suka. Dan lagi interpretasi lirik nya yang ... ehem. Liriknya di interpreted jadi seperti ini :

Frappucino - Lonely [download link]

kata - kata untukmu, ku tak tau akan sakiti mu

mungkin kau akan benci aku selamanya

kau bilang ku kini tak sama, ini aku yang sebenarnya
ku ubah diri ku untuk mu tapi aku tak bisa 

you're so kind but ..
that's the way you are but ..
i don't know ... i don't know why i am feeling like this 

we were so in love, and you're here now but oh ..
i don't know ... i want to find myself now.
baby i'm sorry, even when i'm with you i'm lonely 

ku tak bisa cintaimu sepenuhnya maaf ku sakiti mu
i'm so sorry , this is end of our story
aku tak pantas dapatkan cintamu
saat denganmu ... 

i'm so lonely lonely lonely lonely ..
baby i'm so lonely lonely lonely lonely.. 

kau tak salah apa - apa , hanya aku yang tak bisa
bukan kau yang sebabkan perpisahan ini 

aku ingin beri yang terbaik, tapi selama ini
saat ku mencinta ku pergi dan sendiri .. 

you're so kind but ..
that's the way you are but ..
i don't know ... i don't know why i am feeling like this 

we were so in love, and you're here now but oh ..
i don't know ... i want to find myself now. 

'coz i'm just another boy , this night is so lonely, i can't take it anymore
good bye ..
walaupun kau di sisiku oh baby .. i'm so lonely

 And this is the original song :

The man who can't be moved

Post ini gue dedikasikan buat teman gue, hehe. Well, teman - teman gue sih sebenernya karena ada beberapa. Jadi belakangan ini gue berasa jadi relationship guru. Banyak banget yang konsultasi tentang relationship mereka [padahal relationship gue juga apa kabar coba]. Mulai dari yang bimbang sama crush nya, yang relationship nya di ujung tanduk, sampe yang udah putus tapi belum bisa move on [yang banyak ini sih].

Sebenernya post ini lebih ke yang terakhir, yang udah putus tapi nggak bisa move on. I've been there done that guys. Baik yang diputusin atau pun yang mutusin. Jadi somehow, gue bisa mengakomodasi lah gimana perasaan kedua belah pihak yang seperti itu. Gue pernah baca dimana gitu ya, kalimat yang emang bener sih kalo dipikir - pikir. Bunyinya : diperlukan persetujuan dari kedua belah pihak untuk memulai suatu hubungan, tapi cukup 1 pihak yang kehilangan rasa sayang untuk mengakhiri sebuah hubungan.

So far yang bisa gue simpulin ya. Feeling, perasaan itu adalah hak personal setiap orang. Kita nggak bisa memaksa orang untuk sayang sama kita atau memaksa mereka untuk nggak sayang sama kita. Karena itu hak mereka. Yang bisa kita lakukan adalah ya mengontrol perasaan kita sendiri. Dan ketika keadaan nya bertolak belakang sama yang kita rasakan, di situ lah kita harus mengkondisikan perasaan kita. Yang pasti nya mengkondisikan agar nggak bikin kita nggak enak ya.

Dengan begitu kita nggak usah begging for love.

Don't despair

Setiap kita mau berubah ke arah yang lebih baik dan merubah sesuatu yang buruk di dalam diri kita, selalu ada godaan untuk melakukan sebaliknya. Berubah itu tidak mudah, yang mudah itu adalah menyerah. Tapi kalo terus menyerah maka tidak akan pernah berubah. Sedangkan Tuhan bilang, dia nggak akan merubah suatu kaum sebelum mereka merubah dirinya sendiri. It is a challenge, yang namanya tantangan pasti ada hambatan nya. Tapi pasti ada reward yang didapat untuk setiap hambatan yang dilewati.

Nggak pernah capek untuk memotivasi diri sendiri. Karena memang nggak ada yang lain yang bisa kecuali diri sendiri.

Inget lagu ini lagi ....

"Don't despair and never lose hope, 'coz Allah is always by your side"

To myself, never give up ! :)

Two more disappointing things

Hmmm bener - bener ya, puasa banyak godaan nya. Tiap hari ada aja hal yang merusak mood. Hari ini rencana nya gue mau ke kampus mengurus perubahan jadwal. Gue tau sih itu udah nggak mungkin, tapi gue ke amanahan ini sama temen gue yang lagi ke India jadi mau nggak mau harus dijabanin. Dan ternyata bener, setelah ke kampus dan ngantri lama, jawaban nya cuma "nggak bisa". Untung petugas student service center nya baik, dia sangat ramah dan bilang "maaf banget ya mas, ini bukan keputusan saya, tapi memang nggak bisa" dan gue pun memberikan icon smile sebagai testimonial nya.

Sore nya gue berencana ke kost an temen, mau ngambil maicih sekalian buka dan sahur di sana nanti. Karena kalo sahur di kost sendiri pasti nggak bakal bangun. Eh, pas mau berangkat migrain menyerang. Kirain hari ini nggak akan kena migrain, karena biasanya datang jam 10 pagi dan tadi pagi dia ga datang.Gue paksain pergi karena gue pikir migrain sore nggak akan separah migrain pagi [emang ada hubungan nya ya ?]. Kemudian gue naik angkot yang super lelet, dan naik metromini. Di metromini migrain masih berasa, dan gue mulai keringat dingin. Gue tau banget kalo udah begini nggak lama lagi gue bakal pingsan. Sumpah kalo udah gini pengen pulang ke rumah aja. Kemudian gue turun aja di tengah jalan daripada pingsan di dalam metromini, lalu manggil taxi untuk mengantar gue ke kost an temen.

Sampe di kost an temen, dia belum balik. Jadi gue menunggu sambil duduk di depan pintu kamar dia dalam keadaan hampir pingsan. Untung temen nya dateng dan ngasih tau kalo kunci nya ada di keranjang sebelah gue duduk [damn, kenapa nggak daritadi]. Lalu gue masuk kamar. Sampai waktu buka temen gue belum datang dan nggak ngasih kabar. Untung room mate nya ini kasih gue makan , kurma, dan risoles yang isinya daging [enak juga], terus dikasih buah nya juga. Sementara temen gue sendiri nggak ngabarin gue. Bahkan ini udah jam 9 malem dia masih nggak ada kabar.

Barusan dia sms "sorry lama, abis ngurusin torch". OMG For God's Sake. Jadi daritadi lo ngurusin BB lo dan menelantarkan gue ? sumpah gue merasa .... HUMILIATED.

Orang tua gue selalu mengajarkan untuk memuliakan tamu. Membuat mereka nyaman. Dan memenuhi kebutuhan mereka. Dan gue dari sisi lain melihat tamu itu sebagai customer yang tidak boleh kita kecewakan. Ini ... begini cara nya lo mengurus customer ? Seriously gue kesel.


Always put customer first !

Two disappointing things

Ada 2 hal yang bikin gue kecewa hari ini. Yang pertama adalah sepupu gue [yang rumah nya gue tumpangin sekarang]. Dia itu anak tunggal, dan orang tua nya udah tua. Jadi ya mau nggak mau dia jadi tulang punggung keluarga. He's so nice to me. Ke orang tua nya juga sih. Yang bikin nggak tahan adalah kebiasaan dia yang kadang - kadang memperlakukan orang tua nya seperti housemaid. Nyuruh2, not in a good way tentunya. Dan yang bikin gue ilfeel adalah tadi malam. Dia pulang kerja, mau makan. Lalu marah - marah teriak - teriak karena ibu nya cuma masak seadanya.

"apaan ini, masak beginian doang. Capek - capek kerja, pengen makan cuma beginian doang."

Gue agak kaget sih dengernya. Koq dia segitunya ya, atau mungkin lagi becanda kali. Ya udah gue lanjut tidur. Besok pagi nya ketika gue sahur terus tidur lagi, dia marah - marah lagi. Masih soal makanan yang seadanya. Dia pake bilang "rugi bandar" segala, apa maksudnya coba. Ibunya sampe nangis dan bilang ...

"Harus bersyukur, mudah - mudahan diganti sama Allah ..." [sambil nangis] 

Sumpah, gue jadi pengen nangis juga. Gue paling nggak tahan liat anak marah - marah sama ibu nya. How come gitu lo marah - marah sama orang yang udah mendedikasikan seluruh hidup nya buat lo, cuma karena masalah kecil. Gue jadi teringat orang tua di rumah. Apa gue juga suka menyinggung mereka, apa kata - kata gue sering menyakiti mereka ? Mudah - mudahan nggak, insya Allah.

Yang kedua adalah tentang sahabat gue.
Gue ya, kalo teman - teman gue dateng ke gue mau cerita masalah mereka, minta suggestion, atau advice ke gue. Sebisa mungkin gue nggak men-judge mereka, nggak mendikte mereka untuk harus begini atau begitu. Gue selalu hargain keputusan mereka dan pilihan mereka apapun itu. Yang gue lakukan adalah memberikan alternative pilihan yang bisa mereka ambil, sedangkan keputusan nya tetap berada pada diri mereka sendiri.

Nah malam ini seorang teman datang ke gue dan tiba - tiba memberikan statement yang judgemental dan mendikte banget tentang gue. Gue kaget. Gue marah, sebenarnya. Dan gue nggak bales pesan nya karena gue nggak akan ngerespon hal yang gue nggak suka.

Orang - orang yah, emang begitu. Mereka selalu pengen tau semuanya, lalu mereka berpikir mereka lebih tau, dan akhirnya mereka berpikir mereka tau yang terbaik.

Maaf yah , gue cuma percaya sama instinct gue sendiri.

FAJAR

ok, so my name is fajar now ???

ok that's obvious. that's fine.

Wait, what am i talking about ? my name is always fajar rite ?

Well, get REAL.

Oh, please ... this topic is so last decade.

can i have more bottle ?

I spy with my little eye

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA .... demi apa gue ngapain barusan ?
ngetik apa barusan ?
Jadi sakit perut kan, jadi panas dingin kan, jadi ga berani buka twitter kan ? [apa sih heboh sendiri]

Ah gimana ini ... harga diri

Publicity

I've been holding on it. Not to say anything or .. post anything ... or comment anything about my private stuff especially my relationship in front of public. Moreover in social media. Because , i don't know. I think that's not a wise thing to be done by adults. We find our homepage full of highschooler's post about their couples, love life, or anything private. But i'm not high schooler. Besides,  i don't think i need publicity. I don't need people to know what's going on with my relationship moreover the negative ones such as complaining about your partner on your status. So many people are scrutinizing us. Our partner may be suck, you can share it with your besties but you don't need to tell the world about it.

And i don't like, being satirized by whomever. The thing is no matter how you make it implicit, i will always know. It's hard to ensure people that i can know even the unsaid thing. I am sensible.

I am tolerant but i demand fair treatment. I don't do the things above. Well my partner does. Somehow it gives me a ... right [?] to do the counter part. But still, i won't do it on public sphere such as social media. I'll do it on my personal blog. And i'll try in more appropriate manner.

Here's the thing.

I know who i am. how i affect people. Somehow it requires me to show restrain of some things in order not to jeopardize the condition. What i don't understand is why sometimes people force me to tell the very truth of me without considering what they're gonna hear might hurt themselves. The thing is ... when they force me so, i consider they're ready. No matter how hurtful it is. I will say it without any censorship for the sake of the truth itself.

The second thing. The main complain which came to me from my partner [or it is you for that matter] is when i had fun with my girls while i didn't have the same thing with her. The only question is ... if they can have fun with me ... why can't you ? why can't you be that fun ?

I believe there will be a lot of answers, excuses, or rebuttal  for that question. That's your right.

That's all.My suggestion is. If you're about to talk or griping about someone [who ever he/she is], you might want to consider that they will read it or at least somebody else will. You might want to imagine what they will think about it. You never know what kind of reaction that you will get.

Keep posting depressing status. And you will know how it will keep you away from the positive ones.

Hari Pertama

Puasa hari ini lancar, kecuali migraine yang senantiasa menyiksa. Masih juga diintai oleh penyakit yang belum ada obatnya itu [lebay]. Biasanya ia menyerang sekitar pukul 10 pagi sampai 12 siang. Kalo kejadian nya di hari biasa sih masih mending ya gue bisa bikin teh gitu atau minum pain killer. Tapi kalo pas puasa gini ? gue hanya bisa berdoa untuk diberikan kekuatan ;)).

Tapi biasanya setelah solat migraine itu hilang koq. Jadi over all puasa pertama ini ok ok aja karena diitung-itung cuma harus skip makan siang aja. Jadi nggak terlalu berasa buat gue.

Sampai pada malam ini, gue memutuskan untuk registrasi paket internet harian dari XL yang sebenernya waktu nya tinggal 3 jam lagi. Dan untuk ke sekian kali nya, nggak bisa dipake doooooong. Untuk ke sekian kali nya pulsa gue terbuang sia - sia. Dan yang bisa dikatakan Customer Service cuma ...

"Coba setelah ini bapak matikan handphone nya lalu tunggu 15 menit setelah itu nyalakan lagi"

Trik basi banget sih. Tapi sumpah masalah provider ini menempati urutan pertama godaan iman hari ini. Untung gue masih bisa menahan diri dan tidak kalap [emang mo ngapain juga]