FREAK !!!!!!!!!!!

FREAK !!! sumpah freak banget ! 3 minggu terakhir ini gue udah berusaha untuk menahan diri dan toleran terhadap orang itu. Sampai tadi pagi, gue bener - bener udah ilfeel se ilfeel - ilfeel nya. Tetangga sebelah kamar gue itu, udah bikin gue annoyed dengan bolak balik ngetok pintu kamar gue untuk nanya hal - hal yang ga perlu yang bisa dia kerjain sendiri atau bisa dia infomarmasikan lewat whatsapp. Itu belum seberapa.

Rencana nya hari ini kami mau pergi bareng. Setelah mandi, gue ganti baju dan memilih kaos merah polos yang baru gue beli. Pintu kamar nggak gue tutup rapat ketika rapi-rapi muka sambil ngaca. Nongol lah tetangga sebelah kamar gue itu, gue lihat dari sela pintu yang terbuka, dia pake kaos merah polos juga yang mirip banget sama yang sedang gue pake. Gue cuma ketawa aja, lucu aja bisa samaan gitu kebetulan. Agak annoying sih memang pake baju samaan sama orang. Tapi mau gimana lagi, masa gue mau suruh dia ganti baju atau gue harus ganti baju yang pengen banget gue pake ini.

Begitu melihat gue, dia langsung teriak "YOU'RE NOT WEARING THAT !!!!!".

Gue balas "you're not wearing that !" sambil bercanda. Dan gue baru sadar, ternyata dia nggak becanda.  Muka nya nyolot banget.

Dia : no no no. Gue udah pake baju ini daritadi gitu. Ganti ganti !

Begitu denger gue kayak "what the hell man".

Gue : like, who cares ? terus cuma karena lo udah pake baju itu duluan, gue ga boleh pake baju ini gitu ? NO!

Dia : Baju lo yang ungu kemana ? masih bersih kan ?

Gue : ada. kenapa ?

Dia : udah lo pake yang warna ungu aja. (loh koq jadi ngatur)

Gue : nggak ! gue mau pake yang ini.

Dia : lo pake yang ungu aja.

Gue : Eh, you don't tell me what to wear ya !

Dia : you are NOT going with me !

Gue : OH, ok. I am NOT going with you !

Kemudian dia masuk ke kamarnya sambil marah - marah. Lalu beberapa detik kemudian balik lagi ke kamar gue masih memakai baju yang sama.

Dia : change your clothes ! you cannot wear that !

Gue : this is my right to wear anything I want ! Lagian kenapa sih lo ? gue no problem koq pake baju warna sama. We see so many people wearing the same color gitu.

Dia : Ada problem, jelas - jelas ada problem.

Gue : apa ?

Dia : ...

Gue : problem siapa ?

Dia : ..

Gue : problem lo ? hah ? problem lo ? kalo itu problem lo ... KENAPA NGGAK LO YANG GANTI BAJU ??? KENAPA GUE YANG HARUS GANTI ???

Perdebatan ini semakin seru dan annoying. Agak ga percaya gue harus ribut - ribut sama tetangga karena masalah remeh gini. Dia pun kembali ke kamar nya sambil marah - marah. Beberapa detik kemudian dia balik lagi ke kamar gue dengan baju yang berbeda.

Dia : lo mau pergi bareng gue nggak sih ? (Oh, come on man. i thought it's over)

Gue : hm ? tergantung mood

Dia : ga bisa gitu. harus jelas. kalo lo mau bareng gue, gue bakal pake baju yang lain. kalo ga bareng gue, gue pake baju yang tadi.

Gue : terserah lo mau pake baju apa aja. I don't care.

Dia : change your clothes (oh come on, again ?)

Gue : No !

Dia : ayolah, for a greater good.

Gue : greater good buat siapa ?

Dia : ....

Gue : hah ? greater good buat siapa ? buat lo ? kalo buat greater good lo, KENAPA GUE YANG HARUS GANTI ????

Dia : lo punya solusi untuk masalah ini gitu, kenapa nggak mau jadi solusi sih.

Gue : solusi apa ? masalah apa ? I don't see any problems.

Dia : kenapa sih nggak mau ngalah ?

Gue : I'm not losing for your winning ya !

Dia : ini nggak lose, ini win-win

Gue : win-win nya dimana ? jelas - jelas lo suruh gue ganti baju supaya lo bisa pake baju itu. itu lose buat gue , win buat lo namanya.

Dan akhirnya si orang freak itu sudah nggak bisa banyak bantah. Dan dia akhirnya pake baju yang berbeda. Sebenernya gue bisa sih saat dia pertama bilang itu gue langsung ganti baju dengan yang lain. It's not a big deal for me. But I just can't accept the idea of him controlling other's life. Ini bukan pertama kali nya dia bikin ulah kayak gitu. Gue cuma pengen dia tau, nggak semua orang bisa dia kontrol, ga selamanya dia bisa dapet apa yang dia mau, dan di ga bisa maksain mindset dia ke orang lain.

Anyway, setelah perdebatan itu gue masih baik - baik aja koq. Gue menunggu selesai dia beres - beres untuk berangkat. Dan you know what ? dia meninggalkan gue jalan duluan dengan jarak yang jauh dan nggak ngomong - ngomong. Dia ambil jalan yang nggak biasa kita lewatin, tanpa konfirmasi. Gue ikutin aja. Dia masuk ke minimart. Gue tungguin, keluar dari minimart dia malah berjalan ke arah lain tanpa ngomong - ngomong. Sampe akhirnya gue nyadar, are you trying not to talk to me ???

OOOOH fine. What an immature person. Jujur aja, padahal awalnya gue sempat admired dan envy sama dia karena dia selalu jadi top scorer di setiap test. Gue sempet minder juga karena nggak bisa mengalahkan score dia. But you know what ? now, as soon as I realize that he's such an asshole, I regret that I ever envied him.

Sekali lagi opini gue ini bukan cuma berdasarkan kejadian tadi pagi. 

Gue heran kenapa ada orang yang dengan bangga nya declare that he's an evil. He's not afraid of making enemy. FREAK !!!!

The hardest part of this fucking management associate program

It's gloomy Sunday. A good time for staying in my room and listening to mellow songs on radio. I turned on the radio and it played Bieber feat. Nicki Minaj. Gosh, two singers that i hate most. But I still listened to it anyway. 

Sunday became even gloomier when my friend knocked on my door. I knew that he would talk about our assignments. Yeah, we still have to work on assignments during weekend. Actually, the hardest part of this fucking management associate is not the assignments. No matter how hard or annoying the assignment is, I can still finish it. I'm not that dumb to get it done.

The hardest part of this program is dealing with the people. Those people who might have good intelligence but don't have good enough interpersonal skill to interact properly with other people. It will be obvious when it comes to group assignment. Sometimes I have to deal with passive people who seem don't have any initiative to make the team works even if when they have been triggered. On the other days, I have to deal with those who are very active and dominant which makes them so hard to have an empathy. 

Either way, debating with them will not solve the problem. It only makes my emotion get higher. Time consuming. Waste my energy. There's a saying "debating with moron only drag you to his level". You know what ? sometimes moron appears as a smart guy. 

The funny thing is when is there's a guy who seems nice but you will see an evil in him if you get closer to him. He proudly said to me "I'm not afraid of creating enemy". Well, dude. You don't know what I can do to bring someone down. You don't know that your hatred could strike you back. But I know that those kind of people won't change no matter what. Even when it's only them against the world, it won't make them be a little bit nicer.

I don't really mind creating enemy. But I will never state that in front of public. If I can get my enemy work for me, why should I confront them. 

But one thing for sure, once he hits my button. I will make sure he will reap what he sow.

Pass or Die

"Jar, kalo lo bosen kerja di bank. Lo bisa balik ke sini kapan aja"

Gue langsung teringat perkataan bos lama gue sebelum gue resign. Rasanya pengen langsung beres - beres barang kost ini terus pindah ke kost lama di Palmerah dan siang nya langsung kerja di Mare#sk#. Padahal gue.

Minggu ini bener - bener tough. Terutama karena mumps sialan ini yang katanya self limiting disease tapi sampe sekarang nggak sembuh juga. I barely eat since 3 days ago. Rahang gue sakit gila kalo dipake makan, leher ini udah membesar seperti gue gaining weight secara drastis. Semua diperparah dengan robot HR yang kayaknya nggak bisa liat hidup gue santai. 

Dan akhirnya, demam yang terjadi selama 3 hari lebih di kost dan di kelas itu menyebabkan gue gagal di written test pertama. Which is gue kehilangan satu nyawa gue di program ini. Sekali lagi gagal. I will be dropped out. Self Esteem langsung menurun drastis. I know i could do better. Cuma memang minggu ini memang lagi berat banget. Tapi memang udah harus begini.

Saat lagi down itu emang bikin gue jadi sensitif. Pengen rasanya nusuk orang. Temen gue yang selalu berbicara dengan suara super stereo nya dengan gaya fishing for compliments. Muak gue liat nya. Dia temen yang mulai nggak berbicara sama gue setelah dia merasa dapet spotlight di kelas dan hanya berkumpul dengan satu orang lain nya yang jelas - jelas spotlight gainer.

Yang paling bikin gue emosi, dia itu udah declared dirinya buat jadi supporter gue di salah satu coaching session. Supporter macam apa, yang waktu gue sakit sama sekali nggak nanya or even bother bantu gue belajar. Supporter macam apa yang waktu gue diumumin harus remed dia nggak lirik sama sekali tapi sibuk approach anggota kelompok spotlight nya itu. Fuck man ! you're so fake !

Apart from it all,
Gue cuma wondering. Will I proceed till the graduation ?
But I should. I'm trapped in this fucking deadlock condition. 
So, my choice is only pass or die.

Personal assessment

Nggak kerasa, sudah sebulan program management associate ini berjalan. Dan 5 hari lagi gue akan menghadapi written test yang pertama untuk modul basic banking. Modul yang banyak banget ini belum sempat gue review padahal ada beberapa modul yang belum familiar buat gue seperti accounting dan legal. Dua modul itu cukup annoying untuk dipaksakan masuk ke otak selama seminggu kemarin. 

Anyway, beberapa minggu yang lalu, gue diberikan hasil personal assessment saat pertama kali test psikotest untuk program ini. Hasilnya lucu, cukup tercengang karena gue merasa ditelanjangi karena ke-detail an hasilnya. Dan gue juga menemukan hal baru yang belum pernah gue sadari sebelumnya. Gue copy aja kali ya resultnya.

Here it is :

Self Image : An integrative leader who works with and through people. Fajar Indra Kusuma has an out-going interest in people and an ability to gain the respect and confidence of varied types of individuals. He strives to do business in a friendly way whilst pushing forward to win an objective and sell a point of view. Fajar Indra Kusuma is usually a good co-ordinator  who is willing to delegate and  exhibits poise and confidence in most situations. There may be tendency to act impulsively on occasions and to be over-enthusiastic and "oversell".

Job emphasis : Ideally Fajar Indra Kusuma's job should require a tangible accomplishment geared to motivating people to act on a voluntary basis rather than through authority or command. 

Fajar Indra Kusuma should be expected to initiate contacts with varied types of people. The job should be relatively free from detailed analysis of data, report writing or record keeping and good administration back up should be provided. Pressure for results should be considerable. Travel should be involved, if possible on a regular basis and there should be ample freedom to act independently in a variety of changing situations. 

Describing words : influential, confident, friendly, self starter, decisive, mobile, active, alert, opinionated, persistent, independent. 

Motivators : Fajar Indra Kusuma is motivated by popularity, social recognition, monetary rewards to cover good living, democratic relationships, freedom from control and little responsibility for detail. Additionally opportunity for advancement is important, as are new and varied activities. 

Why u no give that fucking salary

"Mas Fajar, Saya butuh programmer PHP. Familiar dengan javascript, smarty, dan SQL server. Pengalaman minimal 2 tahun. Salary XXX"

Isi SMS dari mantan bos gue di kantor yang lama tempat gue freelance setelah beberapa hari sebelumnya  dia telepon gue menanyakan ...

"Mas Fajar, kuliah nya sudah selesai ?"

udah pak

"Sudah kerja sekarang ?"

udah pak

"Kerja dimana ?"

CI** Ni***

"Oh, padahal mau saya tawarin kerja di kantor saya."

Dan beberapa sebelumnya, waktu gue masih bekerja di kantor yang dulu. Dia juga sering menelepon menanyakan hal serupa. Nanya gue kerja dimana, gajinya berapa, dan akhirnya menawarkan mau nggak kerja di tempat dia. Sebanyak dia telepon, sebanyak itu juga gue bilang "aduh maaf pak, saya udah kerja".

Ketika dia gue baca SMS dia yang terakhir itu I was like "fuck man! why u no give that fucking salary since long time ago". Salary yang dia tawarkan itu 50% dari uang saku sekarang. Gue memenuhi requirement yang dia cari. And I know that he is actually looking for me. Tapi sekarang gue sudah terbelenggu dalam ikatan tanpa cinta (apa deh). Maksudnya terikat kontrak eksklusif dalam pekerjaan yang sama sekali bukan bidang gue dimana gue harus struggling setengah mati untuk catch up dengan semua ini. Sementara kalo gue kerja di tempat itu, gue akan menerima salary yang jauh lebih besar dengan pekerjaan yang memang bidang gue dan tidak butuh adaptasi setengah mati.

You know what ? every single empty words like "rejeki itu nggak akan ketuker" , "everything happens for a reason", atau "semua itu sudah ada jalan nya" won't work.

It's like a punch on my face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grooming

Topik kelas hari ini cukup menarik dan lumayan gue tunggu - tunggu sebenarnya. Grooming  class. Materi ini cukup memberikan variasi di dan refreshment di antara materi - materi kelas yang melulu soal perbankan. Walaupun kemarin satu harian penuh kita membahas tentang IT directorate dan sub-directorate nya yang cukup mengobati rasa rindu kepada dunia IT (bahasanya ...). Kalau biasanya para pengajar sebelum memulai kelas bertanya "siapa di sini yang dari FE ?" pada kelas kemarin mereka justru bertanya "siapa di sini yang dari IT ?". Biasanya kami anak IT yang paling cengo ketika para pengajar menyampaikan materi dengan segudang singkatan dan terms perbankan, kali ini giliran anak - anak ekonomi yang terus bertanya pada kami "itu apa sih Jar ? ini apa sih ?". Dan kalau biasanya yang rajin bertanya di sesi tanya jawab itu anak ekonomi karena buat  anak non-ekonomi jangankan bertanya, menyimak materi nya aja sudah setengah mati. Tapi kemarin, anak - anak IT rajin banget bertanya sementara anak ekonomi berulang kali berkomentar "ngomongin apa sih ?".

Well, itu lah seru nya program Management Associate (gue samarkan nama program nya) ini. Kami berasal dari background yang berbeda dan kami diharuskan belajar semua directorate di bank yang beragam (walaupun core bisnisnya tetap tentang ban mking juga). Tantangan nya ketika kami harus belajar banyak banget materi baru dan melakukan transfer knowledge dari orang - orang dengan background yang berkesinambungan.

Salah satu yang menarik adalah grooming class ini. Pada awalnya gue pikir kelas ini hanya akan mengajarkan gimana cara kita memilih pakaian, merawat tubuh, dan berpenampilan menarik. Materi tentang hal - hal tersebut memang ada, tetapi hanya satu sesi dari empat sesi yang ada hari ini. Ternyata grooming bukan hanya soal penampilan tapi juga attitude. Tentang business manner, bagaimana berinteraksi dengan rekan bisnis, bagaimana berinteraksi dengan client, not to mention public speaking.

Yang paling menarik adalah di akhir sesi kelas pria dan wanita dipisah. Kami diajarkan tentang body treatment. Untuk pria, dimulai dengan bagaimana cara membersihkan wajah menggunakan face cleanser, bagaimana cara shaving yang benar, dll. Yang lucu adalah, i do this stuffs all the time, almost everyday. I do facial wash everyday, i shave once a week. Tapi ... ternyata banyak loh yang belum tahu dan belum ngerti. Sehingga kami dipandu oleh trainer seperti anak TK yang belajar menyikat gigi. 

Grooming class diakhiri dengan pembagian goodie bag yang berisi perlengkapan - perlengkapan body treatment seperti shampoo, hair serum, hair tonic, moisturizer, milk cleansing, hand 'n body lotion, hair gel, razor, etc. Buat kami yang sudah biasa dealing with this kind of stuff mungkin sudah nggak aneh malah senang bisa dapet produk gratisan sehingga menghemat budget untuk kebutuhan pribadi selama sebulan. Tapi banyak juga loh yang sampe bilang .... "banyak banget, ini apaan sih ? gue bingung makenya gimana, mulai dari mana". Bahkan mungkin ada juga yang nggak mau pakai dan dikasihin ke orang lain. Well, tapi sepertinya nggak ada sih, malah mereka pergi ke Hypermart setelah selesai kelas untuk beli perlengkapan - perlengkapan yang belum ada di goodie bag tersebut. Hahaha ...

Brain Wash

"Jar, lo nggak kangen sama Mare**ka ?" Tanya temen gue ketika kami menunggu auditorium 2 Central Park dibuka untuk film Ted.

"Kangen lah. Di sana gue bisa all out, be myself. Gue udah tau posisi gue apa, dan temen - temen tim yang enak."

Nggak seperti tempat kerja yang sekarang, penuh formalitas, jaga image dimana - mana. But as much as i miss my old recent office, i also want to work in the new company and there's a cost for something called 'greater good'. 

Anyway, program *CB ini sudah mulai sejak rabu kemarin. Seru sih, karena tiga hari itu gue dapat kesempatan untuk mendengarkan sharing dari orang - orang selevel CEO, board of director, head of, group head. Nggak semua orang dapat kesempatan ini kan. But somehow, it's like my mind is being raped. Dan yang pasti exhausted. Gimana nggak, dalam satu hari kira - kira ada 10 - 11 pembicara dengan topik berbeda yang belum pernah gue tau sebelumnya. 

Materi - materi yang diberikan seperti Company overview, HR overview, Legal and corporate affair, IT operation & services. Dan tentunya materi tentang banking seperti consumer banking, corporate banking, credit review, audit, micro finance, small medium enterprise, treasury, commercial banking, wealth management and many more yang gue nggak inget judulnya saking banyak nya judulnya.

Banyak banget istilah baru yang harus gue hapal dan tentunya materi yang harus gue baca supaya nggak clueless seperti tiga hari kemarin. Sepertinya ini bakalan banting stir deh dan ke-IT an gue akan memudar secara perlahan. Tapi dari beberapa directorate dan business unit yang presentasi, ada beberapa yang cukup catchy sih. Salah satunya preferred, private banking and wealth management. Seru aja kayaknya mengurusi orang - orang super kaya yang memiliki uang minimal 500 juta untuk private banking dan 2 Milyar atau 5 Milyar (lupa juga, harus baca lagi) untuk private banking.  Selain itu, commercial banking juga cukup menarik karena produk nya beragam dan berhubungan langsung dengan customer - customer individu. Lalu ada juga credit review, tapi gue lupa ini menarik nya kenapa ya.

Dari semua materi yang diberikan, yang menurut gue paling susah tapi sepertinya menarik itu treasury. Gue buta banget soal ini (materi yang lain juga masih clueless sih tapi masih bisa ngikutin), I never know about fx trading, bonds, etc. Waktu presentasi materi ini, gue cuma bengong. Tapi sepertinya seru, orang - orang nya juga seru. 

Dan tiga hari ini terasa seperti brain wash buat gue yang biasanya sehari - hari ngomongin bugs, crash, agile project compliance. Sekarang yang diomongin current account saving account, bonds, net interest profit, balance sheet. 

BLAAAAAAH banyak banget lah terms yang harus dihapal.

In the name of greater good

Now I believe breaking up is not easy, even for the one who initiates it. It's because when we're someone there must be things that become habitual. After breaking up, there will be things that we used to do that we don't do anymore. Even if breaking up is something that has been always wanted by one of the party, they will still feel some kind of emptyness.

Well, that's just an intermezzo.

Two days ago I attended the briefing for my development program. This is what I've always wanted but i don't know, what I have in mind is doubt and fear. Especially after the briefing, they explained the training system as if the program is really tough and tight. Besides, all the participants are the selected people. I believe they are all good. Public speaking is no longer a big problem. They come from various major. I'm so nervous about it.

Whenever I gather with other scholars who aren't selected for the program, they always give me negative input. Most of them don't want to work in the company and say that the company isn't good. I don't really count their saying, but somehow this happens a lot of time. Those opinion is inevitably infiltrate my mind. Shed a doubt in my thought.

Now I live with other participants of my development program in the same boarding house. I just realized that it's not good idea. I can imagine how the program will make me exhausted. By living with those person, I will meet the same people all day long. How boring it is. I might not the kind of who socializes with my boarding house neighbor. But meeting the same people 24 hours a day is somehow boring.

Beside that, i don't fit with Karawaci. I still want to live in Jakarta. I don't know, I just love the city. The city where it's easy to find anything, where hanging out with friends only take a step ahead.

But well, there's a cost for anything in this world. I might have to deduct my fun time for a year. This is a fast track, so it requires more work and sacrifice.

Again, it's all in the name of greater good.

The last day

30 August 2012,

I was still sleepy even though i slept early last night. But I had to go to the office since my team members were already arrived at 9 o'clock. We promised to come early because we wanted to leave the office early. I tried to enjoy every step that i took on my way to office. I might not see these roads for a long time. There will be no more waiting for a bus. No more lunch at this building. Today's my last day at the office.

Around 6pm, my office mates gave me farewell surprise (well, it's not really a surprise for me since i expected that hehe). They brought me a chocolate cake, it's delicious. We took some pictures and I gave the first slice to my boss. Then everyone approached the cake and slice it for themselves. I wasn't sure that they're excited to congratulate me or to get the cake hehe.

I promised my team that i will treat them. Hell no, the whole total team member is 10 persons. It might cost a half of my salary to treat them. I was saved by my boss because apparently he threw a farewell party for me and my team. He took us to a suki resto and asked me to order whatever i wanted. We went to a cinema to watch Bourne Legacy (without my boss, he left earlier), this time my team member who treated us. It was supposed to be me the one who treats them but it turned out to be the other way around. Thank God, so i could save my money for the transition period.

They gave me batik before we went home. I shake their hands and thanking each other, some of them teased  me by saying "Udah jangan sedih Jar, jangan nangis lo pulang-pulang". Haha .. I never thought that the people I thought could never be friends would be my close team mates (I feel something strange with the grammar, whatever).

There's a little sad. Not because i'm not gonna see them anymore (that's obvious) but because one of my friend (used to be friend) couldn't join the hype. As if she understood that everyone would feel comfortable if she's around. I feel bad for not saying sorry to her. I feel bad for being unfriendly to her. But I can't help not to revenge. I can't accept the fact that she has capability to hurt people without realizing it.

It's good to know that my revenge is done. Now all people turn hate her. All her close friends abandon her. Her enemies and her close friends are now best friends. Her only friend is her boyfriend. I hope that she could be a nice person so people would not hate her anymore. 

Well, i'm happy that finally i will start a new life. I'm glad that i'm leaving with a good impression, get a warm goodbye and greetings. 

But no matter how good a goodbye is, it never feels good.

Yet, I believe it's for a greater good.

Smooth and Flawless

Minggu ini adalah minggu tenang buat project S**plici**. Selain karena memang habis lebaran dan masih baru pada masuk, project kita juga baru saja selesai. Kemarin boss kita kirim email yang isinya thanking all of us karena sudah mengerjakan project ini tanpa ada keluhan dari client. Dia bilang project kita sudah di-delivered dengan baik dan hasil UAT (User Acceptance Test) nya smooth dan flawless.   

Alhamdulillah, karena pada project sebelumnya hampir setiap demo gue selalu kena marah abis-abisan karena selalu gagal dan banyak bugs. Dan dia bilang, minggu ini kita boleh santai - santai. Tadi siang gue ajak anak - anak lunch di Central Park. Fenomena yang langka banget bisa lunch di mall yang jauh dari kantor tanpa dikejar - kejar rasa takut di-ping boss. 

Dan sekarang, jam 7 udah pada pulang. Biasanya jam 1 malam pun gue masih menahan - nahan mereka pulang. Gue sendiri juga sudah bisa pulang sebetulnya, tapi males aja sendirian di kost. Jadi mending stay a 'lil bit longer di kantor sekalian nge-warnet.

Seneng banget project ini bisa berjalan lancar dan tepat waktu, sayangnya gue udah ga bisa meng-handle project berikutnya. 

Last impression

Finally I got the answer of my doubt. The result has been announced. I got the call saying that my medical checkup is fine so I can proceed to the next phase, offering a contract which is the end of the selection process. This is the time that I've been waiting for 4 years. Thank God, it runs smoothly.

I told my boss about my resignation yesterday. At first, he really hoped that I could stay. Offering to bail me out from the penalty of the contract breach if I refuse to work in CIMB. But I said that I had made my decision, because I've prepared for this for so long.

Tonight I had a chat with him. It was a nice chat to know that I did make a good track record and leaving with a good impression. Here's the chat :  

Muhamad:  kalo keluar kapan keluarnya elo Jar me:  akhir bulan pak Muhamad:  ok okya mudah2 an selama ini belajar sesuatu
 me:  iya pak, belajar banyak Muhamad:  baguslah, elo pintermasa depan cerah mau di mana juga
 me:  aamiin Muhamad:  kalo bosen di bank, elo selalu bisa balik lg me:  iya pak 

Even though sometimes he's hard to us, but basically he's a nice guy.

Tik tok

Gosh,
This waiting period is really torturing. Heart beasts fast every second of the day.
Waiting for the phone to ring.

God, please make it easy for me.



Give me a good news.

Dag dig dug

Masih dag dig dug menunggu keputusan final setelah medical check up lanjutan kemarin. Nggak sabar menunggu senin dan kembali berharap segera mendapatkan telepon dari orang HR. Gimana kalo gagal ? after all that i've been through, dinyatakan gagal karena kondisi kesehatan yang kurang fit ? pasti nyesek banget :(. Belum lagu medical check up kemarin sudah menguras isi tabungan.

Beberapa bulan yang lalu seorang teman membuat tweet yang bilang kalo dia dapat kabar buruk ketika dia dinyatakan lulus seleksi The Complete Banker. Walaupun akhirnya dia menerima offer tersebut dan sekarang sudah in-class, tapi koq bisa ya, ketika orang lain setengah mati untuk lulus program itu, ini malah bilang kabar buruk. Kalo gitu kenapa nggak mundur dari tahap pertama aja.

I hope God sees my effort so i can get a good news on Monday. Aamiin.

Anger, Denial

Today was like a nightmare, but I have seen it coming though. There's no ways I can put two things on the same priority. There must be the one that I should sacrifice. Apparently I chose work over study. I dedicate all my concentration to work.d

This morning, two hours before my thesis defense, I found out that there are a lot of obvious mistakes in my thesis draft. Some of them, I never realized it before. But I know that the rest of it has been fixed. I have delegated the task to my teammate to revise the draft as I want it to be. Then I met her half an hour before the thesis defense. I told that we had made a lot of obvious mistakes. We could've fixed it before. I asked her why the chapter 2 draft was different to the last time I revised it. She said that it was intentional. She removed all the references because she already put it all together on the bibliography.

I wanted to explode at that time, but there's no use. It's 30 minutes to the thesis defense. Besides, it's also my fault for not checking it again. If I had checked it several weeks ago before it's submitted, we surely could fix the major mistakes which dragged us to the assessor torture.

It was terrible. The assessors slaughtered us with their critics and I couldn't say anything because I knew that was my mistakes and I had known it before. I was not even sure if I could pass the test. When the announcement time came. The assessor asked me whether I'm condident to pass or not. I said that I didn't know.

All of groups in that room passed with the same grade. The grade that we should not brag about. It's a bittersweet. I finally passed the test, but I got a grade that i never wanted. I recall a memory about my previous thesis. The one I worked on before this one. All the ideas were generated by me. One of the team member didn't even contribute anything. But I was ousted from the team and should make a new thesis. They  used my ideas. They passed with higher grade than me. They graduated earlier.

At that time, people say it must be for a greater good. There must be a wisdom behind it. I believed that ... until now. It's not a greater good. It's even worse. The postponement only lead me to the greater destruction. But maybe it's me who couldn't use my second chance wisely.

Not blaming anyone. I'm just in my early stages of grief.
Anger ... and denial.

Sahur di kantor

Sometimes it's so devastating. Not sometimes, it might be always but I keep restraining myself not to whine. 
Well, let's make it simple. 


Gue capek.


Ngeluh sesekali boleh ya ? 


Antara capek dan guilty harus tinggal dan memaksa developer untuk tinggal sampai dur.
pagi gini di bulan puasa. 
Memang sih, ini sudah tanggung jawab. Tapi tetep aja ga enak, mereka juga pasti mau sahur. 
Dan besoknya harus datang awal lagi karena banyak kerjaan.


Sahur di kantor ?


Hampir tiap hari juga begitu. Cuma kasian aja, mungkin mereka juga mau sahur di rumah bareng keluarga. 
Selain itu juga masalahnya ya waktu tidur.


Tapi ya mo gimana lagi, kerjaan kita juga ga beres - beres.
Yaudahlah, i'm paid for it. Not really actually. I'm paid for 9 hours office hours. In fact, it could be 12 or even more.
Next time i apply for a job, i should really consider about over time regulation.

Remorse

This might be exaggerating, but you will never understand until you stand on my shoes.

If you want to know the meaning of one second, ask the runner who gets second place in the race.
If you want to know the meaning of six months, ask the student who was condemned from attending his thesis defense.

Thought that would never happen to me. I've been letting go of it until yesterday, my TL is full of tweets with #wisuda46 hash tag. I just realized that yesterday was a graduation day for Binusian 2012. I opened my Facebook and the timeline is full of people uploading their pictures wearing a toga.  Several hours later i was tagged by my friend in the photo of my 4 ex-housemates on that graduation day.

I might not a summa cumlaude student who never got C on my track record. But i know i deserve to be there. That's just a photograph, i'll have my own soon. I'll still have my graduation this year. I know. But still, there's a remorse when I see those stuffs.


They say grief occurs in five stages. First, there's denial followed by anger. Then come bargaining and depression. For most, the final stage of grief is acceptance.

The nanny

Suka nggak enak kalo harus menahan atau memaksa anak orang untuk kerja sampai jam 2 pagi di kantor. Tapi kalo project lagi padat yang mau gimana. Mereka merengek - rengek pun ga boleh pulang. Tapi justru di saat gue pengen pulang cepet, mereka malah ga mau pulang. Padahal udah diusir- usir. Tapi kalo semangat mereka lagi bagus, ya harus dimanfaatkan supaya lebih produktif.

Hmm ... being their manager also means being their nanny. I have to be flexible. But as long as the project runs on the track. Biarlah.

Reap What You Sow

I hate a friend-foe relationship with someone. I used to like her as a friend. But now i hate her as much as so much hatred that she spreads. She's full of negativity. All of her words is indoctrination. Her smile is fake. Looks like an angel but can turn into an evil within a flip hand as soon as she realizes that you're not on her side, you're not worshiping her. She's an attention whore. 

Thought that it's my only judgement because of my empathy is decreasing lately due to stress and fatigue. But  apparently 3 other friends feel the same way. I don't like being fake or maybe i'm tired of being fake. So, not like my friend who chooses to be a two faced person. I'd rather trigger a confrontation.

As expected. With only one effortless statement. The drama has begun. The cold war is all around. She floods the world with her selfish-assumptive-cynical statements. Proof that she's a drama queen. Public Enemy. I believe that if everybody gets a chance to say their opinion about her, they will say the same thing or even worse.

She teamed with her not-even-handsome boyfriend  who is a lot like her. Which makes them two most annoying persons on earth. She always thinks that her boyfriend is the smartest of all. She always thinks that she's the most beautiful on earth. They always think that they're the greatest person on earth and others are idiots.

Someday they will reap what they sow. All the hatred that they spread will come  to them. This is just a beginning.

Persistent Bad Mood

This bad mood cycle that has started which has been occuring since two weeks ago is till happening today. Last night was really consuming. Bad day at work. This morning i had an IELTS class at 11.30 am. I planned to go to office first but when i woke up i didn't really feel well. So i decided to go from my boarding house at 11 am. I waited for a cab for almost half an hour. I must be late. But i guess the tutor will be okay. He is a boring javanese guy who will be okay with the lateness.

I arrived at 11.50. When i tried to open the door, apparently he was not the last week tutor. He's a native and kinda shocked when i came in. I took my seat without asking for a permission because i didn't really want to talk. Then he asked "what's your excuse ?" . Damn,  hadn't prepared any and i didn't want to lie. Besides, my brain couldn't work fast at that time. Peer pressure that i have said on last post also made it even worse. I acted like fool. Then finally said unimportant excuse like "i ... had to ... buy something". The tutor grabbed my plastic bag containing bottles of water, chocolate, sock and sausages that i bought from mini mart and put it outside one by one. "penting banget ya ..." with bule accent. "yes, i haven't got my breakfast." i said. 

He used that breakfast issue to tease me during the session. He pointed at me cynically. Annoying. Today was started with embarrassment and for God's sake, maybe the tutor was really annoyed by me so he kept using that breakfast issue in any chances. Anyway, he threw a lot of question to me. I didn't know it is me or his accent that is hard to be understood. Every time he asks, i say "sorry ?" or "what was the question ?" or "i don't get you". 

He doesn't sound like british. I mean, i'm quite familiar with british accent but his accent is quite strange. Besides, english man are usually friendly and nice, not like him.

But so far, nothing bad happened after ward. Until now there is no emergency ping from my boss. I hope everything will be okay until the end of the day so i can go home earlier to work on my thesis. Apparently, i have to get it finished by next week. For God's sake.

Bad day

I can't describe how i'm upset today.
I just hope that the TCB selection process will be fast and smooth. So does with my thesis.
I'm just ... exhausted with this job.

Upperhand

I have to admit that business communication and IELTS prep class give me some refreshment between my daily routines. At least i go to other place, meet other friends, and learn something. Not only commute from my boarding house to office every day. 

So, there's a friend in my class. He got the first rank of the placement test result. I know that his english is good,  he used to be debater too when he was in high school. While i got the 9th or 10th. I wasn't really serious on the test due to sleep deprivation. So i didn't really care about the rank (well, i did, a lil bit). 

I believe that his english is good. But i believe my english is also good and i still get the upperhand among other students in my class. Ok, i know it sounds so arrogant and cynical but that's the way i see everything. I consider everything as a competition. I over estimate myself to gain more confidence. I know it isn't right though. I had 8 other students above my rank, but i didn't really count them. I focused on his rank. I was so curious because i never know his writing or speaking.

So, last meeting, we had a conversation class and i was in a group with him. We had to tell some stories to others. He told his story and that's my first time i heard him speaking english. Yes, he's english is good and probably better than me. At least i know that his test result wasn't just coincidence. He could maintain his grammar while narrating his story fluently. Honestly, i didn't really pay attention to his story but i did grammar and pronunciation checking. Trying to find a hole in his speaking. I didn't really find it.

Then i realized that his english is better than me. Ok, Fine. I felt like not that cool anymore. Tried to put him as a competitor, but he's a good friend so i can't treat him so. As usual, i always get intimidated when i confront someone who is better than me. Then It was my turn to tell my story. I was nervous for i was afraid of making mistakes. I couldn't maintain my grammar while arranging my sentences.

Sometimes it's just hard to accept that i meet someone better than me, especially when the person is my friend.

That's all.

Your job is not to wonder why. Your job is to do or die.

Another part of being APM besides scheduling, monitoring, and estimating is being a nanny for the developers. Sometimes i have to push them and give them pressure when the deadline is tight. But i know that people have limitation. Some people can do harder job than the other, while the rest can't. I don't really like pessimistic thought. When i work as a programmer and i find some bugs without having a clue, i'll keep trying to find a way to solve the problem. I never say i can't. Unless, the problem is out of my capability. But i should have find it out in the very beginning and i won't take that job.

That's why i really hate when my developers ask me "Jar, kalo ini ga selesai gimana ?" , "Jar, aduh gue udah ga bisa, gimana nih ?" , or  "Jar, kalo gue ga bisa gimana ?".

Oh, come on. Your job is not to wonder why, your job is to do or die. Fortunately i don't really have big emphaty for whiners. When the ask me so, i just say "harus selesai hari ini. no choices.". Sometimes, when they know the fact that we can't delay anymore, they keep asking me the same thing. At that point, sometimes i unconsciously give them motivational session.

"Lo itu nggak boleh bilang nggak bisa. Tiap apa - apa bilang nya nggak bisa. Nanti jadi ga bisa beneran. Itu tuh kayak self talk. Kalo terus - terusan bilang gitu, itu nanti ngirim energi negatif ke otak lo. Jadi harus optimis. Harus bisa."

But still, they keep whining. Errr ... They are all older than me but they act like kids. I have to hear their whining every time they face a problem. My only solution is i don't listen them and keep forcing them to work till the last drop and don't allow them to go home before they finish their work.

I know it won't work to push people working when they're already fatigue, but i just want them not to give up. I want them to have more sense of responsibility and more willingness to try than giving up easily.

Grow up kids !

Rumor has it

It's not the first time i get a friend who comes to me with not-really-good-news. Telling me that my other friends have been talking about me behind my back. Trust me, it's not the first time. I've got that a lot. Sometimes i just don't know who is true. It's easy to be affected by that rumor, but i don't even know that is true or not. I decide not to react and not to trust any of them. My only reaction is to exclude them from the list of eligible persons to be trusted. Let the rumor has it. You're nobody until you're talked about.

Mutual Trust, Mood Swing

I put two unrelated phrases on the title because actually i'm gonna talk about two different things but i just don't want to publish two posts at the same time. Since i'm not really in a good mood for working and socializing today, so i decided to write a blog. Maybe it can help me to stabilize my mood.

Let's start with my first point about mutual trust. I believe that friendship is about mutual trust. It's not that we have to know all of our friends' secret but about how we can trust each other. I have seven friends here that have been open to one another. We don't need to conceal our bad sides for we share the common things. There's one of us who is really excited when she asks about our personal life, secret, or whatever that you won't share with common people. She tends to be interrogative when she tries to dig information from us. We all have an agreement that if we want to know about one of us, then everyone should give some things in return. Thus, we will feel safe to share anything we want and we know that our friends trust us. 

She's the one who never be open about her personal stuffs. We didn't recognize it before since she always be the first person who opens the discussion and pushing one of us into the corner. But yesterday, we were just curious and trying to having fun by putting her onto the hot seat and being asked by our interrogative question. The first question, she didn't even answer it. We kept pushing her and she got upset. Somehow that really annoyed us, not because we really wanted to know the answer and she didn't answer it. It's because how she has been so interrogative to us but she got upset even in the very first question. Then we assume that we don't have mutual trust. We should not give it all away to her anymore.

Second thing is about mood swing. I believe that working here can lead to acute mood swing since people here are very moody and the boss has an acute mood swing. He can be very nice one time and he can yell at you several minutes later. The other people here, when they're in a bad mood then they will not talk at all to everyone, even me as their manager.

I came to the office with a very good mood after meeting up with my crush. When i opened my laptop my boss ping me and scolded at me for the task that hasn't been finished yet. While, yesterday he talked to my programmer to relax because the work load is not that full. My conclusion is, never take seriously everything nice that he said because momentarily it will turn into a curse.

While to face those moody people, well, maybe i will try their way not to talk with everyone and using my ear phone with aloud music. Not that i want to impersonate them. I just want them to know how to face this kind of person.

Ex Factor

Dealing with someone who has an ex-issue is not a fun thing. Competing with someone's ex which exists in their memory will never be a fair game.

Blair who finally his prince Louis and almost makes her fairy tale comes true apparently can get over Chuck and she still ends up with Chuck.

Greyson Kent who can't let go his dead-ex-girl friend tried to date his Associate Kim Kaswell until Kim fed up for she can't dating someone who is still crazy about his ex. Then Greyson meet Vanessa and going to get married until Vanessa left him at the altar as soon as she realizes that she can never replace the dead-ex-girlfriend.

An individual is interchangeable. 

Tight Weekend

Finally it's weekend. It's been a long week for me. This week i was supposed to get the project finished by the end of week because the final demo was supposed to be on Friday. My boss suddenly asked the new feature to be added. He always assigns everything suddenly while it's hard for me to estimate the time and resources. In that emergency time, one of my developer was sent to the hospital and should take a bed rest for two days. Her tasks couldn't be handle even though she finally showed up one day earlier. 

On Thursday, i got a sudden call which said that i was invited to HR interview for The Complete Banker program. I was quite surprised because i thought i didn't pass the previous test since i didn't do it well. I said yes when the caller said the schedule is tomorrow. It's at 3 o'clock and she said it would finish on 30 minutes. So it won't take a long time to commute from Kuningan to Sudirman. I could leave the office for a while. But apparently the interview took place at Karawaci which is one and half an hour from my office. So i should leave the office quite long. 

I arrived before 3pm and met three other friends there. They should've been interviewed since an hour ago. It was delayed until almost 2 hours which caused the delay of my arrival to office. I arrived at office at 7pm then my QA said that everything was messed up. We have more bugs on the application, we have flaws on the flow when it was supposed to be ready for the demo. I guess i'll be dead at that time.

Until 10pm there was no hearing from my boss. There's no yelling. So i sent him the status report. At 11pm he pinged me. Asking about the progress of bugs fixing and told me to prepare the build for the demo and upload it. After that i can go home and take a day off on Monday.

We were surprised that he wasn't upset and offered us a day off instead. So we stayed in the office a little longer, it's 1am. Then the boss found some problems and started to chat us with all caps lock.

"kalo Android ada masalah. WEEKEND KALIAN KERJA SEMUA"

Damn, what's with you sir. We've been questioning why were you so nice until you turned out to be the mean one again. Then he asked my phone number. Bad news. My friend said, the last time she got a call, it's 2am in the morning and she cried out loud after ward.

I hope he won't call me this weekend, or ... forever. 

Developers

With a big power comes a big responsibility.

Kadang pengen ngerasain, gimana sih rasanya jadi developer. Di saat - saat menjelang demo gini dan banyak masalah muncul. Stress ? pasti. Tapi at least tau apa yang bisa dilakukan. Bisa begadang untuk cari solusi. Atau berpikir lebih keras.

Tapi sekarang di posisi ini, memang bukan gue sih yang cari solusi. Tapi gue yang bakal kena amuk atasan kalau sampe demo delay lagi. Karena kalau sampai delay atau gagal demo, ya bakal dibilang gue yang bakal demo. Tapi terus kalo developer nya nggak bisa ngerjain, nggak ngerti cara ngerjain nya, salah gue ? 

Bukan sih, salah mereka. Tapi tetep aja gue yang bakal dibantai. Fiuh.

Semoga mereka semua diberikan pencerahan. Or i will be dead. 

Call me irresponsible

All batch 3 students are assigned to a volunteer project to help craftsman improving their business by giving them insight of management, finance, and information technology. I realize that this project is too late since we are all in the last semester or even graduated. It's not time for us to this kind of assignment since we are busy looking for a job or working on our thesis. It should be started since last month but only a few people from my team who are eager to do it sincerely. Most of us don't really care or even don't want to know. I myself haven't got involved in any process because my office hour is quite different than others. Besides i should get my thesis finished this month.

My friend who is supposed to be the leader of the team lightly said "I quit ! This project is crap" when I asked him about visitation schedule. I know he hasn't given much effort for the team. He didn't even attend any single meeting. How could he say that the project is crap ? He is crap. I lost my respect and i didn't ask further.

Two days ago i got an email from a friend who finally took over the leadership of the team. He assigned me to IT division with 3 other guys. The ex-leader, The guy who is known as public enemy because of his bad attitude (let's call him Rude), and the guy who rarely shows up. I got a hunch that the team won't work out. First, because of the ex-leader who is clearly irresponsible. Second, the Rude who will never want to do volunteer job. I probably will end up with working on my own. But somehow i have to manage to make it work.

So i sent a formal email to them containing a brief explanation about the project, about the condition of the team, about why we have to start working this thing out, about our aim, and the most important is about our task. 

As I understand that we are all busy, i try to make the task as simple as possible. 

Although i know that I will be the only one who works on it, but  still have to inform them just in case they can be motivated to participate in the project.

The email is quite long. Then i pressed the Send button.

Finally Rude replied my email. It's only a short sentence.

"Can you please remind me why I should be doing this ?"

FUCK !

I should've known that this low attitude guy doesn't have any empathy. He never comes to our scholarship programs. He always be the latest one who sends academical report or financial request which caused a delay of the other's fund. He is the one who is always sarcastic in responding other's discourse. Once i have ever been in a recruitment process with him and all candidates hated him. This guy doesn't know how to respect people. This guy doesn't even know how to write and respond a formal email. 

There's no way in hell he would do such a volunteer job. No way. Sometimes i wonder why this irresponsible-careless-arrogant guy could be accepted as a scholarship recipient. He has got all the money to complete his bachelor degree and monthly expenses. But he will never give any efforts to contribute to his surroundings. 

Doesn't he remember that he has signed the contract which says that it is obligatory for him to participate in any programs held by the scholarship committee. Oh, he's not that clever to understand the affidavit. 

I swear, I will never be nice to him again.