Anger, Denial

Today was like a nightmare, but I have seen it coming though. There's no ways I can put two things on the same priority. There must be the one that I should sacrifice. Apparently I chose work over study. I dedicate all my concentration to work.d

This morning, two hours before my thesis defense, I found out that there are a lot of obvious mistakes in my thesis draft. Some of them, I never realized it before. But I know that the rest of it has been fixed. I have delegated the task to my teammate to revise the draft as I want it to be. Then I met her half an hour before the thesis defense. I told that we had made a lot of obvious mistakes. We could've fixed it before. I asked her why the chapter 2 draft was different to the last time I revised it. She said that it was intentional. She removed all the references because she already put it all together on the bibliography.

I wanted to explode at that time, but there's no use. It's 30 minutes to the thesis defense. Besides, it's also my fault for not checking it again. If I had checked it several weeks ago before it's submitted, we surely could fix the major mistakes which dragged us to the assessor torture.

It was terrible. The assessors slaughtered us with their critics and I couldn't say anything because I knew that was my mistakes and I had known it before. I was not even sure if I could pass the test. When the announcement time came. The assessor asked me whether I'm condident to pass or not. I said that I didn't know.

All of groups in that room passed with the same grade. The grade that we should not brag about. It's a bittersweet. I finally passed the test, but I got a grade that i never wanted. I recall a memory about my previous thesis. The one I worked on before this one. All the ideas were generated by me. One of the team member didn't even contribute anything. But I was ousted from the team and should make a new thesis. They  used my ideas. They passed with higher grade than me. They graduated earlier.

At that time, people say it must be for a greater good. There must be a wisdom behind it. I believed that ... until now. It's not a greater good. It's even worse. The postponement only lead me to the greater destruction. But maybe it's me who couldn't use my second chance wisely.

Not blaming anyone. I'm just in my early stages of grief.
Anger ... and denial.