Anger, Denial

Today was like a nightmare, but I have seen it coming though. There's no ways I can put two things on the same priority. There must be the one that I should sacrifice. Apparently I chose work over study. I dedicate all my concentration to work.d

This morning, two hours before my thesis defense, I found out that there are a lot of obvious mistakes in my thesis draft. Some of them, I never realized it before. But I know that the rest of it has been fixed. I have delegated the task to my teammate to revise the draft as I want it to be. Then I met her half an hour before the thesis defense. I told that we had made a lot of obvious mistakes. We could've fixed it before. I asked her why the chapter 2 draft was different to the last time I revised it. She said that it was intentional. She removed all the references because she already put it all together on the bibliography.

I wanted to explode at that time, but there's no use. It's 30 minutes to the thesis defense. Besides, it's also my fault for not checking it again. If I had checked it several weeks ago before it's submitted, we surely could fix the major mistakes which dragged us to the assessor torture.

It was terrible. The assessors slaughtered us with their critics and I couldn't say anything because I knew that was my mistakes and I had known it before. I was not even sure if I could pass the test. When the announcement time came. The assessor asked me whether I'm condident to pass or not. I said that I didn't know.

All of groups in that room passed with the same grade. The grade that we should not brag about. It's a bittersweet. I finally passed the test, but I got a grade that i never wanted. I recall a memory about my previous thesis. The one I worked on before this one. All the ideas were generated by me. One of the team member didn't even contribute anything. But I was ousted from the team and should make a new thesis. They  used my ideas. They passed with higher grade than me. They graduated earlier.

At that time, people say it must be for a greater good. There must be a wisdom behind it. I believed that ... until now. It's not a greater good. It's even worse. The postponement only lead me to the greater destruction. But maybe it's me who couldn't use my second chance wisely.

Not blaming anyone. I'm just in my early stages of grief.
Anger ... and denial.

Sahur di kantor

Sometimes it's so devastating. Not sometimes, it might be always but I keep restraining myself not to whine. 
Well, let's make it simple. 


Gue capek.


Ngeluh sesekali boleh ya ? 


Antara capek dan guilty harus tinggal dan memaksa developer untuk tinggal sampai dur.
pagi gini di bulan puasa. 
Memang sih, ini sudah tanggung jawab. Tapi tetep aja ga enak, mereka juga pasti mau sahur. 
Dan besoknya harus datang awal lagi karena banyak kerjaan.


Sahur di kantor ?


Hampir tiap hari juga begitu. Cuma kasian aja, mungkin mereka juga mau sahur di rumah bareng keluarga. 
Selain itu juga masalahnya ya waktu tidur.


Tapi ya mo gimana lagi, kerjaan kita juga ga beres - beres.
Yaudahlah, i'm paid for it. Not really actually. I'm paid for 9 hours office hours. In fact, it could be 12 or even more.
Next time i apply for a job, i should really consider about over time regulation.

Remorse

This might be exaggerating, but you will never understand until you stand on my shoes.

If you want to know the meaning of one second, ask the runner who gets second place in the race.
If you want to know the meaning of six months, ask the student who was condemned from attending his thesis defense.

Thought that would never happen to me. I've been letting go of it until yesterday, my TL is full of tweets with #wisuda46 hash tag. I just realized that yesterday was a graduation day for Binusian 2012. I opened my Facebook and the timeline is full of people uploading their pictures wearing a toga.  Several hours later i was tagged by my friend in the photo of my 4 ex-housemates on that graduation day.

I might not a summa cumlaude student who never got C on my track record. But i know i deserve to be there. That's just a photograph, i'll have my own soon. I'll still have my graduation this year. I know. But still, there's a remorse when I see those stuffs.


They say grief occurs in five stages. First, there's denial followed by anger. Then come bargaining and depression. For most, the final stage of grief is acceptance.

The nanny

Suka nggak enak kalo harus menahan atau memaksa anak orang untuk kerja sampai jam 2 pagi di kantor. Tapi kalo project lagi padat yang mau gimana. Mereka merengek - rengek pun ga boleh pulang. Tapi justru di saat gue pengen pulang cepet, mereka malah ga mau pulang. Padahal udah diusir- usir. Tapi kalo semangat mereka lagi bagus, ya harus dimanfaatkan supaya lebih produktif.

Hmm ... being their manager also means being their nanny. I have to be flexible. But as long as the project runs on the track. Biarlah.