Satan in a Sunday hat

I went to bed lately last night, 2am. I woke up at 9 am. I don't know what to do. I have no activities today and i am so reluctant to take a bath or roll out my bed. I just lay on my bed staring at the ceiling for about 2 hours. Doing nothing. The first move that i made is turn on my laptop and connect to facebook. I find nothing interesting there. Nothing to be commented nor to be written on my status. I leave it and open a new tab to check my email inbox. There's no new unread mail. I really don't know what to do, wondering  i'll spend my whole Sunday with last episodes of tv series. Before that, i look for videos that can make me turned on.

Oh gosh, this is not the life that i want to portray. Too much vacation, too much spare time. But i'm so reluctant to take a job though.

Or maybe i should pick one of my favorite song and sing it out loud. But i haven't changed my playlist since a month ago. I don't even know which is my favorite and which is not.

Maybe i gotta run ... run ... run ...

Run devil run run devil run run ...

Sorry dude, i can't no longer hold my words

I hate you. I don't care how much offensive this post for someone or some people. It is my blog anyway, i have my freedom of speech.

I hate you, you took my best friend. You ruined her life, i don't give a damn the part where your life is also being ruined. Everything has changed when you came along. Your presence is always irritating to me, build a wall between me and her. Maybe i had a foreseen that you're no good for her though you seem so. I know her for years and you know her not more than a year. But you took it all. Now there's nothing left, you and her are inseparable. Oh that's so disgusting.

And for your information, i was there when you're not there. Doing something stupid even it contradicts my conscience. But guess what you give me for it. Not even a word, not even thanks, not even a sorry.

I don't expect that too anyway. I never expect to talk to you. but at least you can behave how well-educated people should behave. Shameful.

Jerk

WARTEG, as disturbing as its name

I'm currently in saving program this week [as just another week in every end of month] but i was really hungry, i couldn't help my hunger to cook a rice and buy side dish. So i decided to have a lunch at warteg after i went to my friend's house. When i walked over it i was reluctant to enter the warteg because it's quite crowded. But i was so hungry so i insist to enter it.

There were several disturbing people on the center table, they were so noisy. Having such a doormat chatter with disturbing and rude words and jokes as disturbing as they behaved. One of them is a sissy guy who talked a  lot and tried to make a joke by imitating Indonesian-korea alike-boyband which really made me sick. But i tried to prevent my self from hearing their voices. It's not a worth hearing.

I took a table on the corner near a door where there's a newspaper on it. It's the only table left. I read the newspaper while i was eating. I didn't mean to read it but somehow it's so readable, right in front of my eyes. The first deadline said "A husband killed his wife after make love" well it's quite disturbing headline for a lunch but interesting though. So i read the rest article and i found it's even more disturbing when one paragraph  said "there is spilled sperm in the crime scene .. bla bla bla".  I skipped this article and read another one, it's about a woman who changed her sexuality and married to another woman. Can i have more interesting article especially more decent one ? this is lunch, come on.

Then i skipped to the next article. Guess what's the title ? "Dewi Persik's topless picture" oh come on ! you gotta be kidding me. Not only giving a narration about the title, the article also gives two real DP's topless picture, UNCENSORED. Oh my goodness, i might like to read gossip and i might like to see topless picture sometimes but not at my lunch time please ... and not Dewi Persik anyway.

Wait, last but not least. Before i end my lunch, i was curious to read another article. The quote says

"kid, i allow you to be a prostitute ..."

Love it love it not

Have you ever had something that you love most but it turns out to be something that you're afraid of ?
You still love it but in the other way you keep avoiding it.
It's like Bonnie [Miley Cyrus] in The Last Song. She used to play piano, she loves it so much. But she stop playing piano because of one or other thing. She always avoids everything related to piano.

That's the way i feel about debate.
I just don't understand. It's just debate hello. It's just a thing that you used to do but you don't do it anymore.
Why should i take it hardly.

On the other side of my days.

I've been through 2 interviews in these 4 days. I failed the first interview. He said that he didn't have any problem with my english. It's just he can't feel the chemistry during the interview session. Gosh, was i having an interview or dating. Well , what's done it's done. Although it is my first time being rejected, i won't keep drowning in this disappointment.

So i through another interview. I was given a written test and the employer said that the result is great. Then he asked me to do teaching demonstration. Because i hadn't prepared any material, so i delivered debating material. He said it was quite good. He gave several offer. He would accept me but i should join a training, and for that training i should submit my original certificate or money 2.5 million rupiahs. It will be a deposit during my 2 years contract.

OH BIG NO NO. I'm looking for a temporary job, not a permanent job nor even a course.

I wonder why i have bad luck this year. It was never hard to get a job before.
But may be it is a God's plan. Maybe i am not supposed to get a job now. I always know what is the best for me. But He knows more what is best for me.

What's done is done.
I've done my effort and the decision is in His hands.

Pleasure f**ker

What the hell am i doing ?
Reading an article about sex instead of studying before an exam. Haha.
Well, that's not my fault though. I was about reading news from Kompas online to check today's latest news. But i guess they're lack of article management. I mean, this online newspaper should provide the latest news or issues which is happening now, like we know that Kompas is national newspaper.

But everytime i visit the site. I find more article about clubbing and sex than the news itself. And somehow, those articles always distract me to read it and read other related articles. In the end, i don't read any news there. I just read that kinda article about sex life and health.  But it's not a porn story anyway. It's about health sex. So i think it is useful for me.

Mind Explosion

After several days of silent scream. I don't think i need to do that. If i recall the reason i establish this blog is to express what's on my mind that can't be expressed to anyone. All the posts are dedicated to me, it's only about me my self and i. So why should i worry about the other. I will keep posting. For my own good.

Today afternoon i had an interview for a part time job position. It is never easier although i've been through a lot of interview session and being asked by the same question.

"Tell me about yourself ..."

Is the first question which should be always asked in every interview. I should be well prepared for this question. This should be an easy question to talk about yourself. But it takes more than just a brief introduction to know me. And i want to provide the best answer for this question. So i tried to research about Interview Do's and Dont's. I followed what the article says. Unfortunately, it trapped me in an unclear answer. Damn, i should believe in myself and not listen to that article.

My interviewer said that

"i don't have any problems with your english.But i am not convinced yet, because i can't feel chemistry between us "

I was about to tell him that i couldn't even build a chemistry with my e-girlfriend. Well, forget it. Maybe it's just about my poker face. I should not blame people for it. Anyway, i hope i can get the job and the other job. But still be able to manage my time for studying, taking a rest, and having entertainment.

-On the other side of my life.-

B, i stop talking to my friend. I just don't want to talk to him. He might read this post because he read my blog sometimes, but i don't care. It would be better if you read this.

Here's the thing. I don't have a problem to see someone's dark side or to know the negative side of someone. I'm not a perfect person either. Having a bad or wicked personality is something tolerable for me. But what i can't tolerate is when the thing harms the other. It just makes me lose my sympathy to him. Well, i've tried to forgive. But apparently this guy doesn't deserve it. He didn't even say apology or thanks for what has he done and what have i done. What a jerk.

I used to have negative association to him, what's the difference if i hate him at all now. It's better than a hypocrite who acts nicely but keeping a hatred within.

And about my another friends. I guess it's time for me to let them go. Nothing last forever. So does with friendship. I should've learnt about the concept of encounter and leaving. Everything which we encounter will leave us sooner or later. It's just the matter of time. Even a friend or bestfriend. BFF terms sounds like a fairytale.

Social worker

Gw sampai pada saat di mana gw harus mulai menurunkan empati gw terhadap orang - orang. Empati berlebihan, malah bikin kita rugi, menderita, sial pokoknya. Sementara orang yang kita bantu, nggak lebih dari orang careless dan selfish yang memuakkan.

No talks

Long time no see.
It's been several days without any posts. I don't have anything on my mind to be talked about  and i find it is not interesting anymore to share all my feeling , my ideas here or anywhere. Because some people misuse it and misinterpret it. So there's no point of posting here anymore. I will keep it for my self. I will enjoy my silent.

Silent is gold, though sometimes it is imitation. But at least it is entertaining.

Distant-genic

Setelah beberapa waktu menghilang, Pandu tiba – tiba muncul kembali di hadapanku. Di cafe itu pada jam – jam biasa kita bertemu. Kemunculannya memunculkan perasaan kaget, senang, pokoknya tidak jelas. Aku tidak mau lagi terjebak pada perasaan yang tidak mungkin terbalas. Tidak mau mengikuti permainan yang bahkan sudah berakhir sebelum dimulai. Kali ini aku mencoba biasa saja, menghadapi Pandu yang tepat berada di depanku. Tapi ternyata hati kecil ini terlalu provokatif, seberapa keras aku berusaha untuk biasa saja tetapi dia selalu meyakinkan bahwa aku tidak biasa saja. Aku pernah berjanji pada diri sendiri jika aku tidak bisa melihatnya lagi itu tidak akan masalah. Ya benar, karena justru jika aku melihatnya lagi itu yang jadi masalah. Perasaan itu kini datang lagi.

Ternyata hilangnya Pandu selama ini dikarenakan masalah pekerjaannya yang sedang sangat sibuk. Sekarang kesibukkannya mulai kembali normal sehingga dia bisa datang ke cafe ini dan mengobrol denganku seperti biasa sampai fajar tiba. Sampai mata kita tak mampu lagi terjaga walaupun mulut masih ingin berkata - kata. Lalu kemana pacarnya ? bukankah seharusnya dia bersama pacarnya sekarang. Tapi sebaiknya aku tidak menanyakan pertanyaan itu. Tidak ada dia itu lebih baik. Sayangnya tanpa aku bertanya pun, dia tetap membahas pacarnya itu. Obrolan yang semula tentang keseharian kami, tentang hal – hal yang kami sukai berakhir dengan cerita Pandu tentang pacaarnya. Dia bilang ada yang lain dengan pacarnya, dia agak dingin dan kadang susah dihubungi. Pandu mengira mungkin dia berselingkuh. Walaupun aku tersenyum mendengarnya dan berharap itu benar, tapi aku harus bereaksi kebalikkan nya. Aku bilang

”Belum ada bukti kan, jadi lebih baik think positively aja. Mungkin dia sedang ada masalah pribadi.”

Perkataan yang benar – benar palsu. Karena sebenarnya aku lebih ingin mengatakan ’iya, pasti dia selingkuh. Lebih baik kamu putusin dia, masih banyak perempuan lain yang lebih baik’ seperti aku.

Sepulang dari cafe, Pandu mengajak menonton DVD di tempatku karena kebetulan beberapa hari yang lalu tempat tinggalnya sudah pindah dan lebih dekat dengan tempatku.  Aku senang sekali mendengarnya, tidak mungkin aku tolak. Tapi aku harus tetap bersikap biasa saja. Jangan berlebihan. Bahkan sedikit jual mahal dengan berkata

”Emang nggak kepagian ya ? ga ngantuk ? nanti kerja kan ?”

Dan sialnya sikap munafik itu menjadi bumerang untukku. Pandu tidak jadi mampir ke tempatku, katanya tidak enak sudah kepagian lagipula dia besok harus kerja. See ? semuanya benar – benar gara – gara pertanyaanku tadi.

Setelah pertemuan kembali dengan Pandu. Aku kembali merasa seperti orang bodoh, atau kurang kerjaan. Seharian bahkan sampai tidur pagi untuk tetap online di instant messenger hanya untuk mengetahui Pandu online atau tidak. Kembali rajin ke cafe supaya bertemu dengan dia lagi. Walaupun di antara semua percobaan mungkin hanya beberapa saja yang akhirnya membuahkan hasil. Itu pun sebagian besar karena kebetulan. Sampai pada akhirnya Pandu mengajakku makan malam, kali ini bukan karena kebetulan.

Aku sibuk mempersiapkan diri sebelum berangkat. Berdandan, mengurusi rambut, memilih pakaian sampai aku berpikir. Kenapa harus sesibuk ini ? ini kan Cuma makan malam bareng biasa. Lagipula aku sering bertemu dengan dia di cafe dengan keadaan biasa saja. Akhirnya aku pergi dengan penampilan biasa saja, walaupun Pandu sempat berkata aku lebih rapih dan cantik dari biasanya.

Saat bertemu kami tidak pernah kehabisan bahan obrolan. Apapun bisa menjadi topik, termasuk ... tentu saja pacarnya. Dia bilang pacarnya masih sedikit aneh. Dia juga bilang, walaupun pacarnya yang sekarang tidak secantik mantan – mantan nya, tapi dia tidak ingin terjadi sesuatu pada hubungan mereka. Entah mengapa ada yang sedikit mengganggu di telingaku. Bukan karena ternyata dia tidak ingin ada apa – apa dengan hubungan mereka, tetapi lebih karena pernyataan Pandu tentang pacarnya yang tidak secantik mantan – mantan nya. Setelah itu, tanpa aku minta Pandu menceritakan tentang semua mantan – mantan nya. Ternyata dia masih menyimpan foto – foto mereka. Dia memperlihatkan padaku satu per satu sambil menceritakan setiap foto yang sedang ia tunjukkan, sayangnya hampir semua komentar berbau fisik. Dan yang jelas, jumlah mantan nya cukup banyak. Seorang player. Ok.

Di hari yang lain Pandu memintaku untuk membereskan tempat baru nya karena masih berantakkan setelah pindahan beberapa waktu lalu. Dia juga memintaku untuk membantu mendekorasi tempat tinggalnya tersebut. Tidak ada pertemuan kita tanpa diwarnai dengan curhatan Pandu soal pacarnya. Pandu bilang pacarnya semakin aneh, bahkan dia menolak ketika diajak ’have sex’. Padahal biasanya tidak.   Have sex ?  biasanya tidak ?

Entah kenapa ceritanya itu membuyarkan konsentrasi ku. Membuat aku tidak nafsu lagi  mencerna setiap kata – kata berikutnya. Selain merasa agak terkejut karena ternyata mereka sedekat itu, juga agak sedikit heran ternyata setelah mengenal dekat, Pandu agak berbeda dengan yang aku bayangkan, bahkan jauh berbeda dari ya ang aku bayangkan ketika diam - diam melihatnya dari sudut cafe.  Di jalan kami bertemu seseorang yang sepertinya mengenal Pandu.

”hey Ndu !”  , kata perempuan itu.

”Hai.”

”Ini cewe baru lo ?”

”Bukan.”

”Sama siapa lo sekarang ?”

”Ada lah ...” , jawab Pandu malu – malu.

”Jarang keliatan lagi nih di Club. Takut diomelin bini lo lagi ya ? haha ...”

Mungkin yang dimaksud perempuan itu adalah pacarnya. Tetapi setelah ku klarifikasi ternyata mantan pacarnya. Pandu bilang dia sering bertengkar dengan mantan pacarnya yang dulu karena dia sering kepergok pergi ke club dengan teman – temannya.

”Padahal nggak ada apa – apa koq. Ya Cuma dance – dance sambil cuci mata lah, kadang flirting – flirting nggak jelas sih. Tapi nggak pernah macem – macem”

Kata Pandu ketika bercerita bagaimana mantan nya marah ketika saat itu dia sering pergi ke club. Mungkin dalam seminggu bisa dua atau tiga kali.

Aku seperti orang yang kehilangan nafsu makan ketika mendengar semua fakta – fakta tentang Pandu yang dia ceritakan sendiri. Seperti melihat makanan yang sepertinya enak, tetapi ketika dimakan ternyata tidak begitu enak sehingga aku tidak terlalu ingin memakannya lagi. Seperti itu kira – kira kesan ku kepada Pandu. Dia bukan makanan, tetapi efek kehilangan rasa ketertarikkan, itu lah yang aku maksud.

Seorang player, party-goer, sex before marriage,  sangat bukan tipe ku. Pandu hanya terlalu jauh dari yang aku bayangkan dan harapkan. Judgmental ? mungkin iya. Tapi apa salahnya menjadi sedikit judgmental ketika kita mencari orang yang tepat. Walaupun begitu, Obrolan – obrolan biasa dengan nya masih akan selalu menyenangkan. Aku masih ingin secara kebetulan bertemu dengan nya di cafe lalu menikmati memperhatikan nya diam – diam dari sudut cafe. Tapi untuk sesuatu yang lebih, mungkin tidak, selain juga karena tidak ada harapan.

Seperti pelangi, terkadang ada sesuatu yang hanya indah ketika kita melihat dan memperhatikan nya dari jarak jauh. Namun ketika kita berusaha terus mendekatinya, sesuatu itu pudar dan bahan menghilang. Tidak lagi indah. Distant-genic. Seperti Pandu, ternyata mengharapkan sesuatu yang lebih dari teman, terlalu berlebihan. Melihatnya, menikmati setiap detik untuk memperhatikan nya dari tempat aku duduk di sudut cafe. Sudah lebih dari cukup. 

Adult's life

Is this what people call an adult's life ? when we always find every single truth that we can't handle. when we have to deal not only with a good side but also a bad side.

I keep thinking that i'm still 18, not a kid anymore but a teenager who still go to school every morning. Late for the flag ceremony. Having a gossip with friends while my teacher explaining. Go to canteen with a group of friends. Visit my friend's house after school. My life is around home-school-friend-school-home.

The clock might die, but time never sleeps. My surrounding is changing. i'm changing. I've through a lot of things. Rise and falls. I am a man.

Marmut Merah Jambu

Ternyata Raditya Dika bisa bikin quotes juga.

"Pada akhirnya, orang yang jatuh cinta diam-diam hanya bisa 


mendoakan. Mereka cuma bisa mendoakan, setelah capek berharap,


 pengharapan yg ada dari dulu, yang tumbuh dari mulai kecil sekali, 


hingga makin lama makin besar, lalu semakin lama semakin jauh. 


Orang yang jatuh cinta diam-diam pada akhirnya menerima. Orang 


yg jatuh cinta diam-diam paham bahwa kenyataan terkadang 


berbeda dengan apa yg kita inginkan. Terkadang yg kita inginkan 


bisa jadi yg tidak kita sesungguhnya kita butuhkan. Dan sebenarnya,


 yg kita butuhkan hanyalah merelakan. Orang yg jatuh cinta diam-


diam hanya bisa, seperti yg mereka selalu lakukan, jatuh cinta 


sendirian"




haha ...