The life that i want to portray

The life that i want to portray ...

It is so funny, this morning i had a lot of thoughts regarding this post. But i keep it on my mind because i thought i will post it before i go to bed. But now, i have no clues what i'm gonna write here.

Well, as long as i remember. I was thinking that i'm not living the life that i want to portray. The reason is because some things in my current life doesn't go on my way. I've gotta lost the things that i want to embrace, the center of my happiness. But then i think, is that the real life that i want to portray ? Because such thing only works in a perfect world. I'm not living in a perfect world.

There's always an endless battle in my head between the voice of my heart and the thought in my mind. It will only disappear if i disappear. But i can do something to make things better. To prevent the bigger problem happens. Because somehow that battle always invites problems, if i let it happens.

Problem is a situation where the gap exists. The gap between the desired ideal condition and the factual reality. There's a gap there's a problem. Then i have to eliminate it.

First thing first, i have to separate the desired ideal condition from the most possible factual reality. It means that i have to diminish what i want.

Apparently, not all of desired ideal conditions are the life that i want to portray. Some of them are even the things that i avoided most in the past. How do i know ? from my life plan. Yes i have a life plan but i sort of forget it in these last 3 years.

The things that hurt me most are not things which were written in my life plan. I even put it on a blacklist but i don't know how there's a part in my life when this thing became a priority. In order to run my life plan, i have to eliminate some things which are not included in it and might become an obstacle for me in the future or even in current life. I better off without them. 

Now i'm busy mending broken pieces of the life i had before. I just hope that i will never break it again. I've tried to save all the things but i can't. And now You're my only hope. I can't rely on human.

I pray for those people, who ever shed happiness on my days. No matter who they are, what they did. I pray for their happiness. I pray for their betterment. I pray for their change. Don't let them go astray. They are good people actually. Please help them.

and help me.
Amin