MOVE

And Finally I decided to get out of the closet.
I mean, I want to publish my blog again.
So I need to be picky in writing content.

That's why I decided to move the blog to :

http://solilokuy.blogspot.com


Well, not sure that I still have a reader of this blog, but I do hope there is.
So please access the new blog instead :).

I Want A Baby !

When I was having my dinner at one of my favorite junk food resto (Yes. I love junk food. It's cheap and sinfully delicious) there was a lovely family sitting near the balcony. They had a very lovely baby, who kept smiling and laughing every time his dad feed him,  the mother wore a head scarf. A happy young family.  I wonder if the dad took the wrong dip and feed his son with chili sauce, would the baby still laugh ?

Not far from my table there was a couple (at least, they look like one) who were also hypnotized by the view of that happy family. 

The guy, while keep staring at the baby, said "Babe, ... I want a baby."

His partner looked a little bit shocked and put down the chicken wings that they're eating.

"Oh, well ... that's ... a progress."

"But not from you ... " He stared at his partner deeply then threw his sight to the baby again.

"Ok. Is it me or the chicken wings suddenly feel too spicy ? You want a baby ? fine. Buy it somewhere, find it in ACE hardware or post an ads on Amazon. Someone might have a second hand baby or sell a DIY baby. Second, you want a baby ? It's obviously not from me. What do you think I am ? Arnold Schwarznegger ? It must be from some random women whom you sow your seed into. Or call Jolie to get you a baby from those poor countries. But it's obviously not from me ! and you don't need to emphasize it by saying 'BUT NOT FROM YOU'. That's ... ANNOYING! "

The guy was still looking at the baby. And yes, he's still laughing while his father fed him.

The White Hat

My head is still dizzy after waking up on a dream that makes my heart beats fast. There's nothing in the dream but these numbers popped up in my head : 25, 26, 27. Not sure what it means but I feel terrorized by the number. I gotta meet Stephen today. The guy is a snob but I always come to him when I feel wary. He always wears a white hat. He is already there when I arrived. On the corner of the coffee shop where we I usually meet.

"Late, as usual." , He said cynically while shipping his coffee. I try ignore that.

"You look awful. Did you have a nightmare ?"

"No."

"Lying ...."

"Ok, stop. That is now what I come here for."

"Okay, so ... what do you want ?"

I pause our conversation as the waiter comes to take my order. I order espresso with triple shot caffeine. It might work to ease my hangover. We resume our talk as he fades behind a bar preparing my order.

"I want to start all over again. I want a new life. I want a new identity."
"No, you don't."
"I'm serious."
"That's impossible David."
"It is not that hard for you."
"Oh really ? So what are you gonna do after I give you your life, your new identity ? Mess up with it, then runaway so I am the one to clean it up ? Oh I'm so done with it. You have ruined too many things and we are the one who clean it up for you. We do the butcher work. You are not supposed to be the executor. You should be staying there behind the bar so your stupid impulsive self will not create any mess again."

Stephen said that with an angry face in one breathe without blinking. He is very mad.

"I wanna fix this."
"You should ! But new identity is too much at a stake. You can't handle it and I don't want to take a risk. Look, we might be able to delete your records but a better life ? You gotta earn it ! Forget about what's been deleted, wear your white hat again and start fixing everything. What happened between now and then is not your concern. Consider it handled. Otherwise, you want to stay there behind the bars and not allowed to show up at all. You live there alone, in the darkness. And no one, not even me, can help you get out of there 'coz you have made the mess that is too much for me to fix."
"But ..."
"I'm telling you, I'm not negotiating. So you better go take some responsibility and wear the white hat."

I leave Stephen there without paying the bill. He will take care of it. I take the white hat but not wear it yet. I will some time, some day, I don't know when but I will.

Two Cents, Two Friends

Six years after our high school graduation, I finally met an old friend who used to be my partner in crime. We ran a club together, we became a champion together as a team. He was the most cheerful and hyperactive person I knew in school.

He was sitting with his son at the mosque when I arrived. I didn't see the cheerful guy that I expected. Instead, he greet me calmly while holding his son. We shared our stories after graduation. Apparently, he's been through a hard time during his wife's pregnancy. She was dying when she gave birth to their child.

Is it a hard life that makes him so serious now ?

I've seen some of my friends have changed. In the way they talk, the way they behave. While I still stay the same.

---------------------------------
"No, you don't", she said.

I try to believe her. Because I think the one who notices our change is other people not ourselves.

We sat in a long sofa - too long for two persons - in a cafe that we had just found that time. It's a quite comfy for me. The coffee also quite decent and I love the decoration. The place named "Two Cents".

Movies, politics, and social topics have been talked about during that 3 hours sitting. Then suddenly this question popped up her mind.

"Do you think we have to marry the one we love or the one we can have a good conversation with ?"

She never runs out of questions and most of them are usually interesting. I tried to understand the question and understand what I want to say before I speak a word.

"The one we love. Because, when two people love each other, they will have a good communication. But the person whom we can have  good conversation with, doesn't mean we love them."

In fact, I rarely have good conversation with people I loved. They though that I'm boring instead. But I guess, good conversation is a bonus from a good relationship.

"Well, I'm not an expert in relationship. I've been in one since last two years."

I shifted the topic that is not being my concerned right now and sipped my coffee till the last drop.

Suppression

Psychoanalysis : The conscious inhibition of unacceptable memories, impulses, or desires. [Oxford Dictionary]

When the word crosses my mind, it always brings a negative meaning. Something weak is restrained by a more powerful or greater thing. Mathematic says that when negative meets negative, it might produce a positive one. I might also apply to ourselves. A negative trait of me might be changed to a better one if we inhibit particular memories, impulses, or desires.

So, now I'm really working on suppressing those negative traits in me as well as inhibiting the affection from negative surrounding.

"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still" - Lao Tze

No places for a loner on Satnite

If Mosby says "nothing good happens after 2 AM", I believe there is something good after that hour which is serenity.

What I wanted was just a quiet place to read while sipping a cup of coffee and green gea latte. But I might forget about something called 'timing'. Instead of serenity, Braga street was full of accesories and booths. It's Saturday, the day where the street is changed into culinary festival.

So I drove my motorcycles to Dago and other areas in Bandung. Still, I couldn't find a place where there's a peace empty single sofa in it. Almost all of them are full of families, groups, or couples. There's no place for a loner on Saturday night.

Finally, several hours to a dawn, I found a place where I can sit peacefully and quietly. Lesson learned. If I wanna have a me-time on Saturday night, I better wait at least after midnight.

SMS

''Lo tau kan, kata orang, kalo orang semakin tua tuh semakin kayak anak kecil dan sensitif ..", Kata Dayu mengganti topik pembicaraan setelah dua jam penuh menceritakan pacar baru nya kepada teman SD nya yang baru saja beranjak pulang lima menit yang lalu.

''Iya. Kayak bokap gue."

"Jadi mending lo jawab deh, kalo dia nanya atau SMS. Karena mungkin buat kita nggak penting, tapi bisa jadi pikiran buat dia."

"Iya. cuma ga tau kenapa gue tuh orang nya gampang bete kalo ditanya-tanya orang rumah"

"Walaupun bete. Mending lo jawab deh, ortu kita tuh udah tua. Mungkin aja mereka nggak ada ketika kita lagi di sini. Mungkin sekarang risih ya dengan pertanyaan - pertanyaan itu. Tapi lo bakal nyesel ketika pertanyaan - pertanyaan itu udah nggak ada lagi. Jangan sampe ternyata itu pertanyaan terakhir dari mereka dan lo nggak jawab .."

Glek! Aku menghentikan sedotanku pada strawberry milk tea yang tiba-tiba terasa lebih asam dari saat pertama aku meminumnya.

Anonymous

Jarang banget tertarik untuk mengobrol dengan orang asing di tempat umum. Tapi kali ini agak berbeda. Wajah ibu itu terliha sangat bahagia. Beliau kemudian memulai percakapan kecil saat aku menunggu kopi pesanan ku datang.


''Kerja dimana A ?'', tanya Ibu itu yang usianya sedikit lebih tua dari Ibuku.

''Kemarin sih di Cimahi. Sekarang lagi cari lagi, mungkin mau balik ke Jakarta''

''Oh Sama, anak ibu oge kamari baru pulang dari Jakarta. Abis sidang katanya. Minggu depan kelulusan nya gituh ... Alhamdulillah lah ahirna beres'', si Ibu bercerita walaupun aku tidak bertanya. Wajahnya sangat bahagia menceritakan anak nya yang baru selesai kuliah.

''Wisuda nya kapan bu ?''

''Oktober cenah''

''Lama juga ya.''

''Kan nunggu yang lain meureun yah''

Mungkin wajah Ibu tersebut akan jauh lebih bahagia ketika menghadiri acara wisuda nanti.
Semoga tidak sebaliknya.

Random weighted

Going to cinema and have a lunch together while waiting for the showtime. That`s what we always do when we meet up.

But I never get bored to have the after movie discussion or hours of talk during our lunch.

We talk about our recent activities until social issues.

We never run out topics to talk about.

And for the first time in 7 months of my idleness, I feel human. It's been a long time I don`t have that kind of random but weighted discussion.

All I hear is a friend who is bragging his blackbook, a friend who is complaining about their husbands, a friend complaining about their illness.

Well, even a good listener needs to talk.

That was quite a nice discussion today.

Mate, I hope my future partner can make me not stop talking like this.

Well, I will try not to stop talking when I meet that one this time.

Maybe that`s right what people say, bestfriend is a family we chose.

StoryTexting

Nothing much happened in my life recently selain makan, tidur, jalan - jalan. Fun memang. But life won't be that fun when everything you do is fun.
Untungnya hari - hari gue juga diwarnai oleh cerita - cerita mereka yang mau menampung kisahnya setiap hari.

Pukul 6 pagi. Telat solat Subuh lagi. Alarm sudah ga pernah gue set semenjak last day gue sebulan yang lalu. Sebuah tanda bintang bertengger di icon salah satu chat window BBM teman (sebut saja Camar, karena dia tinggal di sangkar emas). Kali ini pasti masih tentang suami nya yang lagi seneng jajan di luar.

Camar : Udah bangun ? 

Tanpa perlu menunggu jawaban gue, serentengan pesan mem-popup BBM gue seketika setelah D berubah menjadi R.

Camar : Tau ga, tadi malem pulang jam 11.30 !!!
Camar : Udah gitu gue cuma dibawain nasgor
Gue : Nasgor emang2 ?
Camar : Iya, nasgor emang-emang. Padahal gue tau, dia makan di sana berdua doang. dan dia yang bayar. gue liat bill nya mahal banget. Bilang nya bertiga, padahal gue udah cek mereka cuma berdua.
Camar : Gue minta aja diajak makan di tempat itu.
Camar : masa dia bilang ga usah. makanan nya ga enak.
Camar : HIH. udah ah, gue tidur lagi
Camar : jgn reply ya. 
Camar : mau gue end chat

Si Camar ini akan datang tiba-tiba untuk kasih report drama harian nya. Dan akan menghilang tiba-tiba sambil melarang gue reply karena takut ketahuan suami-suami an nya.

Gue pun tidur lagi, sampai matahari naik agak tinggi dan akhirnya terbangun oleh ...

Remi : PING!
Remi : Oiii...
Remi : Gue gedek banget sama si kehed. kerjaan gue makin numpuk. mana dia ngomel melulu seenaknya.
Remi : masa gue disuruh ngerjain klien US juga.
Gue : wah ? trs ? 
Remi : Mana anak gue lg rewel lagi. Duh bentar ya, 

Remi sampai sekarang belum move on walaupun sudah sebulan gue resign sepertinya dia belum menemukan tempat curhat baru di tempat kerja itu.

Bertepatan dengan jam masuk kantor, sebuah kiriman image akan sampai di BBM gue. Inilah pesan yang paling sulit, karena gue harus berkomentar tentang foto-foto orang yang dia kirimkan setiap hari nya.

Cina : image received
Cina : PING!
Gue : hm .. 
Cina : Comment ?
Gue : Ga ada.
Cina : Haahaha. lucu kan ?
Gue : iya.
Cina : hahaha okay.

Sampai sekarang belum ngerti apa tujuan dia minta gue comment setiap hari.

Menjelang sore, topik - topik yang dibahas sudah agak ringan. biasanya seputar jajanan. Gue harus menemani ibu muda kesepian yang tinggal di kota kecil tersebut. Sebut saja namanya ... Seblak

Seblak : Je!
Gue : Ya ?
Seblak : nggak, biasa kalo jam segini ga ada temen. hehehe. kamu suka beli seblak ga ?
Gue : kadang sih. tp jarang yg enak
Seblak : beli deh. di dkt rumah aku ada yg enak. murah lagi
Gue : masa sih ? seblak kan gitu2 aja.
Seblak : ini mah enak. bumbunya berasa. pedes lg.
Gue : oh, sebelah mana sih ?
Seblak : di dkt rumah aku. susah ah jelasin nya. ntar deh kalo aku pulang.
Seblak : tau ga, kemaren kan aku baru beli blender ama suami. terus ga ada tutup nya..terus ...

Itu lah beberapa pelanggan storytexting gue. Lucu sih.
Tapi kok ibu2 semua ya ? LOL.

All of me

Sometimes I feel that the family is dysfunctional even though most of the time it seems normal.
My silence is maybe a silent treatment for them that I apply the whole time.
Maybe it's just a bad luck.

But if I have to love people with all of me, They're my family.
Even when I lose I'm winning.
'Cause I give them all of me
And they give me all of them.

The Best Gift

The best gift that God ever gave me is the loving and understanding parents.
Parents who always support me in every decision I make, even though some of it were silly ones.
Paretns who will be very proud of me when I'm successful, but still treat me like a prince in my recess.
Who always push me to the top but will never turn around when I give up.

It will be an infinity list if I write all the reasons why they are the best gift given by God to me.
I can't be grateful enough.

Bloody Birthday

Tahun ini nggak ada surprise party dari temen - temen kantor (karena memang ga ada temen kantor) atau dari temen - temen sepermainan (karena lagi ga ada juga, semuanya di  Jakarta). Tapi aku dapet surprise langsung dari Allah ;)). Surprise nya bener - bener surprise.

Hari kamis, 6 Februari, laptop tiba - tiba mati terus nggak bisa nyala. Terpaksa izin kerja karena nggak ada laptop cadangan. Setelah di install ulang beberapa kali masih belum bisa juga. Akhirnya harus pinjam laptop kakak untuk kerja besok, tapi kebetulan koneksi internet di rumah juga lagi mati. Jadi sekitar jam 11 malam aku berangkat untuk menginap di rumah teman supaya besok subuh bisa kerja dari sana pakai internet dia.

Setelah mengisi bensin dan membeli perbekalan di minimart. Aku mengambil jalan melewati tol baros yang sudah sepi sambil mendengarkan musik dari earphone handphone.

"but now, there's nowhere to hide since you push my love aside. I'm out of my head .."

Tepat saat aku menyanyikan lirik Hopelessly Devoted To You dengan keras, beberapa detik kemudian aku sudah tidak ingat apa yang terjadi. Yang jelas aku melewati lubang jalan yang dalam dan besar. Merasakan beberapa kali badan ini terlempar kemudian terseret sedikit. Dan ketika membuka mata, aku sudah tergeletak di jalan. Beberapa detik kemudian pengendara motor yang lewat membawaku ke pos satpam terdekat kemudian ke rumah sakit.

Drama banget ya.

It's my first accident. Accident was one of my biggest fear in life that's why I manage to always drive slowly. But there's always a first time. Thank God, I used helmet. Now I realize, use helmet not because you want to comply the rule, but use helmet because you don't wanna lose your head.

Safe drive !

Sudahi Sudah ...

Posting yang satu ini, bukan tentang diri sendiri kok. Bukan curhat. Mungkin ini posting pertama yang ditujukan untuk orang lain. Untuk seorang teman.

Dulu, kalau ada teman yang datang dan cerita tentang masalahnya, kadang aku suka ke-GR-an dan merasa bahwa aku ini solution center buat mereka. Akhirnya jadi gatel untuk menyisipkan nasihat atau saran atau bahkan ceramah di setiap respon kita atas semua cerita mereka. Sampai ada satu materi seminar yang berbicara tentang 'mendengarkan dengan empati' yang mengatakan bahwa sebenarnya ketika orang berkeluh kesah atau menceritakan masalahnya kepada kita, yang dibutuhkan adalah empati. Dan dengan pengalaman pribadi yang aku alami sendiri juga, ketika bercerita tentang masalah pribadi ke orang lain, yang diharapkan bukan lah saran atau ceramah mereka. I always know what I have to do, so you better save your preach. Tapi yang dibutuhkan ya memang pendengar. Pendengar yang tugasnya mendengarkan dan merasakan masalah si pencerita.

Jadi sejak saat itu, aku belajar untuk mendengarkan dengan empati walaupun mungkin hal - hal yang diceritakan bertentangan dengan pemikiranku sendiri. Dan memberi saran, jika memang mereka meminta. Semoga orang lain pun bisa melakukan hal yang sama waktu aku share ke mereka.

Nah, setiap kamu cerita tentang cerita cerita yang kemarin. Jujur aja yah, sebetulnya sih gatel banget pengen bilang jangan gini jangan gitu harus gini harus gitu. Tapi itu kan hidup kamu, masa orang lain yang paksakan dan ngatur - ngatur. 

Nih, ada video buat kamu. Random sih videonya. Cuma si anak kecil di video itu sekarang udah remaja dan jadi cantik banget, jadi suka aja liat nya hehe.

Nah, jadi mulai sekarang kalo bisa ... sudahi sudahi .. sudah .. sudah cukup sudah ... cukup sampai di sini.

Yang mana yang harus disudahi ? cuma kamu sendiri yang paling tau. hehe

Si itu apa kabar ?

Weekend kemarin dapat wedding invitation dadakan dari salah satu teman waktu sekolah dulu. Karena yang nikah teman sekolah, di sana juga ketemu nya nggak jauh dari teman waktu sekolah. Setelah dari undangan, kami pun mengobrol di rumah salah satu teman. Seperti tidak ada lagi bahan obrolan, setiap ketemu teman SMA pasti yang dibahas setelah 'kamu sekarang dimana ? kerja dimana ?' adalah membahas teman - teman se-angkatan yang lain. 

Gue bukan orang yang kenal semua anak satu angkatan kecuali yang satu organisasi, satu jurusan, dan satu permainan. Tapi lucunya, kemarin ketika mereka bertanya si A sampai Z gue bisa menjawab dengan detail.

friend : si A sekarang dimana ?

me : Oh, dia sekarang kerja di tangerang.

friend : eh si D itu kan pacarnya si N ?

me : bukaaan, itu mah si B. lagian si B nya juga udah nikah sama orang lain.

friend : si E itu masih kerja di provider itu ya ?

me : dia di depok.

friend : di depok kan ga ada cabang nya.

me : iya, dia ga kerja kok sekarang, ibu rumah tangga aja,

friend : si R sekarang dimana ?

me : dia kuliah gitu di salah satu univ nya telkom.

friend : masih gendut ?

me : masih.

friend : kalo si G ?

me : oh dia mah masih di media itu.

friend : oh dari dulu ya. eh, si T makin ok ya.

me : iya, dia kan waktu taun lalu bla bla bla .. terus bla bla bla.

friend : sering kontak sama mereka ya ?

me : nggak pernah.

friend : kok tau banget perkembangan nya ?

me : suka scrolling timeline Facebook aja :D

2014, Resolusi ?

1 Januari 2014.

Berasa perlu banget kayak nya buat posting di tahun baru. Well, malam tahun baru kemarin gue nggak kemana - mana. Tidur jam 10 an dan terbangun karena berisiknya petasan dan kembang api sekitar jammenuju pergantian tahun. Kalau kalian bakar kembang api di bunderan HI, ok lah yah. Tapi kalo di kampung apalagi depan rumah orang, asa teu kudu. Ganggu.

Setiap tahun baru biasanya di sana - sini heboh ngomongin resolusi. Biasanya gue nggak pernah buat resolusi sih, karena biasanya minggu depan nya udah lupa lagi atau pura - pura lupa. Tapi tahun baru ini gue merasa perlu juga membuat sebuah resolusi (cukup satu aja) mengingat tahun 2013 kemarin bener - bener messed up kayaknya hidup gue. Lebih tepat nya karir sih.

Tahun 2013 sampe 3 kali ganti job. Parah sih. Tahun ini kalau bisa nggak usah ganti job. Karena selain capek ya pindah dari satu tempat baru ke tempat baru lain (karena buat gue adaptasi dengan lingkungan baru adalah hal paling menyiksa dalam hidup) tapi juga kurang baik untuk track record gue kalau terlalu sering ganti pekerjaan. Lagipula, udah mau umur 25 masa belum ada pekerjaan yang settle. Walaupun yang sekarang pun agaknya cuma sementara, at least gue bertahan 1 tahun dulu di sini (berhubung gue sudah kontrak dengan provider internet selama 1 tahun). 

Jadi, walaupun di tempat yang sekarang mungkin sampai nggak bisa dapetin ilmunya, yah .. paling nggak duitnya #eh ...

My Messy Workstation