Another Soliloquy

I have been  struggling not to complain the condition or envy what being possessed by anyone else.

I almost live in peace. I feel my sobriety within. And i don't care anything which is not my business.

But a small thing sometimes can ignite the fire, the fire is getting bigger momentarily. 

I was almost burnt by the fire of emotion. 

There was a moment when i think that i'm special, i'm great.

But there's a moment also when i feel that i'm at the bottom of everything.

I'm invisible nothing.

But i don't need to be seen by human rite ? they're just the same like me.

A creature who aren't even eligible to judge or to give their assessment.

I only need to be seen by You. My  judge is You. The creator of them and me,the heaven and whole universe

The ONE that made us all and free. The guardian of HIS true believers.

and i know You're watching me.

I'm always  mad at my sister who loses her common sense. And i always blame my father for that. I always put blame on him because my mother said that he was like that. But sometimes i realize that i'm a lot alike them.

I'm not crazy. I'm sober enough. I just can't control what goes on my mind. And when i lose control, the mind controls me. But i won't lose my common sense. I'm just scared that will happen.  

Take me in the best way. Guide me every single day . Keep me close to You.
Until the end of time.

There's a time when i want to talk a lot, like now. I don't care if my post isn't arranged. I just want to type what's all  on my mind. So i don't have to think about it anymore. So it won't distract my sleep time. So i can forget it tomorrow and enjoy my day peacefully.

My mom texted me that she and my father will go to Cirebon tomorrow. They will visit my relatives who will make a pilgrimage to Mecca. And she said "siapa tau ketularan naik haji". I hope i can fulfill that. 

what's next sentence that i'll write ? don't know. i have no more idea.

Hey people ! where are you. You guys seemed nice to me. But now we seem like people who never known each other. If friends only sent for a certain period. I'll be waiting for the next period where i can find a new people so called friends at that time. [you skeptic people who think that i'm antipathy, apathy so that's why people leave me. Don't comment here. i don't need your judgement]

I wanna watch movie. But i don't have a good movie. Too lazy to turn on TV. But it will be good to get turned on.

But who will turn me on ? 

anyone ???